Numb
by Maibe Josie
Summary: the ORIGINAL Sellie fic lots of drama, fluff, angst, and romantic stuff[chapter 25 COMPLETE]See Encore for the sequel
1. Addiction

**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi, or any of their characters...you know the deal. I also don't own anything but the plot, at the moment.**

**Summary: It's loosely based on the promo pictures of Sean and Ellie at the Degrassi.tv site. I don't know why, but all of a sudden a burst of inspiration came to me. Hope ya'll enjoy, and leave some reviews. Be aware that I may not have the time to update very often, but I'll try when I can...**

Numb 

_I'm tired of being what you want me to be  
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface  
Don't know what you're expecting of me  
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes  
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)  
Every step that I take is another mistake to you  
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)_

****

Sean bit down hard on a pencil as he waited (once again) outside Mr.Raditch's office. "_Now what?_" he thought to himself, "_Emma probably wants Raditch to check my locker for her stupid stepdad's computer, too bad we got rid of that piece of cash last week_." Every since Tracker got his new job, and he broke up with Emma things have seemed to have gone down hill. Looking around himself he seemed like it couldn't do anything right, for anyone. He couldn't be _Mr.Let's-save-the world _for Emma. He couldn't be the perfect little brother for Tracker, and he couldn't be the perfect student. Everyone was pushing and pulling him in a different direction, and he never seemed to be doing anything right for anyone. Sean's gaze floated out of the office and through the glass window that faced the guidance office's across the hall. He watched Ellie look as though she were about to burst into tears. Ellie Nash, the school's very own weirdo. Sean just watched as she walked into Ms. Suave's office, her arms covered by long sleeves and tight wrist warmers, she seemed to be wearing them alot lately. 

"Sean, could you come into my office please?" 

Sean turned his attention to the sound of Mr.Raditch's voice and rolled his eyes as he slid the pencil behind his ear and slung his book bag over his shoulder and followed the principal into his office. 

" I can't help but notice you've fallen into the wrong crowd lately" Mr. Raditch muttered as Sean slipped into the chair facing the large oak desk. " You were doing well, staying out of trouble, I can't help but worry about you."

"_What do you care?_" he thought to himself. " So?" Sean shrugged. 

" So, your grades are dropping, and you're tumbling back into the position you were in last year, it's very possible you could be held back again. Not only that but you are also one of those on the list of possible suspects responsible for the theft throughout the school." 

" and?" 

" and? Sean, stealing is a serious offense, you could be sent to the detention center, put on probation."

" I'm already on probation" 

" Sean, this is serious, I suggest you pull your act together, and real soon." Mr.Raditch pulled out a detention slip and began to fill it out. " You have detention with me on Wednesday, and we can discuss you're part with your little gang and the missing school equipment."

Sean pressed his lips together in anger and stood up, snatching the detention slip from the principal's hand and walked out of the office, slamming the door behind him. He didn't even bother to look at the slip and just crumpled it up and tossed it in the garbage.

~*~^~*~

Ellie finished her meeting with Ms. Suave and walked out, feeling much better than when she had walked in. She had to admit, though she hated Paige for not minding her own business, she was glad. Talking seemed to help her cope with everything much better than continuing to harm herself could ever have. She regretted cutting herself from the beginning, but at the moment, it was the only thing that would give her a moment of release she needed. Sure it was a temporary fix, but that's what she needed, a temporary fix, and she got it. As a result scars were going to decorate her arm. 

Ellie hung her head as she walked down the hall, watching her feet, as her boots clomped against the cold tile of Degrassi Community High School. She was so focused on just getting home she didn't even realize Sean was angrily leaving the main office, and ran straight into him, and went tumbling backwards. Sean looked down at the girl and pondered about whether to help her back up or just leave her there, her things scattered across the floor. 

Ellie scurried to pick up her binder and shoveled loose paper into the pages and looked up to see Sean's hand open to help her stand. Ellie reached up and Sean grabbed her arm and pulled her to her feet. Ellie cringed as Sean's tight, forceful grip pulled her two her feet and at the same time, gripped some of her fresh cuts. Ellie felt tears begin to form in her eyes as she realized those cuts were going to reopen with Sean's simple gesture to help her to her feet. 

Sean tilted his head in curiousity as Ellie's eyes began to water. " Sorry about that...Ellie, isn't it?" 

" Yea, it's ok" she said wiping away her tears before they could fall. 

" I didn't hurt you did I ?" Sean asked gently grabbing her scar ridden arm. 

" No!" Ellie exclaimed rather quickly and tried to pull her arm away. 

Sean tightened his grip, " are you sure, here, let me take a look" and pushed her sleeves up and her wrist warmers down. His jaw fell open. Her arm was littered with cuts, new and old. Although she had been trying to stop, it wasn't as easy as she had hoped. Several cuts had begun to open and stung as they became exposed to the air. 

Ellie pulled her arm away quickly and pulled the wrist warmers back up and the sleeves back down and tried to quickly mutter an excuse.

" stress?" Sean asked.

Ellie raised an eyebrow.

" stress?" Sean repeated.

Ellie bit her lip, " a lot of things." Ellie looked into his blue eyes. "_Why isn't he freaking out? Why hasn't he called me a freak yet?_"

" you okay?" 

" somewhat" Ellie said still confused by his nonchalant reaction.

The two began to walk down the hall, towards the main entrance. Silence seemed to fall between the two of them and neither said a word until they reached the door. " You know..." Sean began. 

Ellie turned her attention to Sean as he talked. 

" I think it shows you're stronger than people think...you tryin' ta stop?" 

Ellie swallowed, " yea..."

" that makes you even stronger, it's like an addiction, isn't it?" 

Ellie nodded, and opened her mouth to speak.

" You'll be fine, Nash. You'll pull through" Sean said as they left the school and split up on the stairs, both going on their own ways. 

**A/N: so what do you guys think? If I should make changes let me know. I'll gladly take criticism, as long as it's constructive. Go ahead and flame me if you want, I don't care. But nice reviews are always welcome. **


	2. Family Illness

**Numb**

_I've become so numb I can't feel you there  
I've become so tired so much more aware  
I'm becoming this all I want to do  
Is be more like me and be less like you_

****

Ellie closed the door tightly behind her, slipped her house key into her coat pocket, and dumped her binder and backpack on the kitchen table. "Mom?" she called out while she opened the refrigerator door. No answer. Ellie pulled out leftovers from the night before and set them on the counter. Ellie walked towards the living room and noticed her mom lying passed out on the couch once again. Ellie bit her lip tightly to keep from crying and cleared off the coffee table and picking up the near empty bottles of alcohol and emptying most of their contents into the sink. She added water to the vodka bottles and replaced them in the liquor cabinet. "_She'll be too wasted to notice." _She concluded and began to reheat some of the leftovers for dinner. 

As the food reheated Ellie began to wash the dishes. Rolling up her sleeves and slipping off her wrist warmers, she wanted to cry. Then she remembered what Sean had said to her while they were leaving school, "_that makes you even stronger_" she pushed back the tears, finished the dishes in the sink, and set the table for two. The food reheated nicely and she prepared the plates and went to wake her mother. "Mom" Ellie muttered as she nudged her sleeping mother. 

Judy opened her eyes and looked at her daughter with disgust. 

"Dinner's ready" 

" I'm not hungry Eleanor." Judy answered sternly and pushed her daughter away. 

Ellie stumbled back and landed on the floor in front of the couch and looked up at her mother.Ellie tried her hardest not to let Judy get to her but she couldn't help it. Ellie rushed into the kitchen and gripped the kitchen sink tightly with both hands. She closed her eyes so tightly the tears built up inside. Ellie opened her eyes, looked down into the sink, and saw a knife. Picking it up she clutched the handle in her hand and fingered the blade. She wanted so bad to just run the blade across her arm, to just for a moment feel relief. "_I have to be strong_." she thought to herself. She dropped the knife into the sink, heard it bounce against the metal, turned on the cold tap, and splashed her face. Then she began to cry, and she couldn't stop, she turned her back to the counter and slowly fell to the ground, clutching her knees and crying. 

~*~^~*~

Sean slammed the door shut. It didn't matter; he was pretty much home alone all the time now that Tracker had his new job. He dropped his book bag by the door, walked to the kitchen, opened the refrigerator, pulled out a can of beer, popped the tab, and began to drink as he walked to the living room and flopped down on the couch and felt around for the remote control. Drinking seemed to calm him down. It was the only thing that was constantly there for him. People seemed to come and go, but alcohol always seemed to be there for him. It never let him down. 

Picking up the remote control, Sean flipped on the television and repeatedly changed the channel. Nothing on. There was never anything on. As he finished off his can, his mind seemed to wander. _Ellie Nash_. He had watched Tracker go through some tough times when he was younger. He remembered walking in on Tracker sitting in the bathroom with a razor blade to his arm. It was nothing to shock Sean. He'd seen worse; he'd seen his father beat his mother until she cowered with fear, bleeding, crying, begging; and he'd seen his mother drink herself into oblivion to numb her pain. The Cameron family was well known for drowning their troubles in alcohol. But Tracker was different, he became addicted to something completely else.

_"You know how Mom drinks after Dad hurts her." Tracker tried to explain to his younger brother. Sean nodded. "Well she's addicted, she can't stop, and I don't want to be like that."_

_"Is that why you hurt yourself?" Sean asked in a naive tone._

_Tracker nodded._

_"Does it hurt?" _

_" Only for a little bit, and then I feel better" _

          Sean hated to think of how it consumed Tracker. When Tracker turned seventeen he moved out of the house, and in with their grandparents in B.C. and came back a few years later, the cuts on his arm visible only through scars. A few months after that Sean moved in with Tracker and cut ties with his parents. The moved and Sean began to attend Degrassi Community School. Everything was for the better. The Cameron genes began to rear their ugly head as Sean hit high school. 

          Ellie seemed different somehow. He didn't understand why she was doing it, but he understood why should couldn't stop. Ellie and him seemed to be one and the same, although neither of them saw it. They were both struggling to be what they weren't. Ellie would never be the perfect daughter in her mother's eyes. Sean would always be a screw up, he couldn't be the perfect boyfriend to Emma. Both seemed to think they were complete screw ups. 

          Sean turned off the television and chucked his empty can into the recycling. He picked up his book bag, headed to his room, and tried to do his homework. Maybe he would be able to do _something_ right. 

~*~^~*~

          The phone rang out throughout the Nash home. Ellie sniffled and hastily wiped her tears and rushed towards the phone. "Answer the **damn** phone!" Judy called out. Ellie picked up the receiver and took a quite breath. 

          "Hello? Nash residence," she said trying to disguise the saddened tone of her voice. 

          "Ellie? It's Daddy" a deep voice on the other end muttered. 

          Ellie's face lit up. " Hi Daddy!" she said excitedly.

          " How's my baby girl?" Greg asked his daughter.

          Ellie looked down at her arm, the one littered with scars and cuts, " I'm fine," she answered, trying to sound cheerful.

          " how's mom?" 

          "good"

          "can I talk to her?" 

          "she's sleeping" 

          "oh...well baby girl, how's school?" 

          "good, ... I got that Co-op Job"

          "that's great!"

          Ellie smiled.

          "ok baby girl, I gotta go, but I'll call again soon, make sure you keep everything running smoothly" 

          " I will" 

          " that's my girl" 

          "bye Dad" she whispered into the receiver and then frowned as she heard a click on the other end. She gently hung up the phone, wandered back to the kitchen, and found the dinner cold. "_What's the point anymore?" _she muttered and repacked the leftovers into the refrigerator and headed up to her room to start on her homework. 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**A/N: Thank you so much for the reviews. I don't think I've ever gotten this many on a first chapter. Just to remind you all, I have another project I'm deeply immersed in, Tabitha5 knows what it is, don't ya darling? *winks * So updates won't be as soon or as constant as I can hope. Hope you all still love me when I don't update quick enough.**

**The Anonymous Compass: **Yea, I totally know what you're saying about what I wrote, cutting being an addiction. It is, it's a very strong addiction that I don't think a lot of people realize. I'm glad you like it.

**Merfyman:** Yea, I totally love Linkin Park and I was listening to numb when I saw the pictures that started me on this whole story and that's how I basically came up with the concept.

**Tabitha5:** Hey Girl! keeping an eye me are ya? I'm glad you like it, and I upped my Alive story on TT, I don't think anyone's seen it lately so be a dear and bump me. And I can't wait for more from Imagine!

**DegrassiLover**: Thanks alot. I've noticed that too, they would be great together, it's probably why they have them together for the promo pics.

**Love-fool:** Those pictures, I swear, they make the two seem so cute together, but there would be so much drama, ya know? Your review just added to my growing head, I'm drowning in your praise.

**Ellectra:** Let me assure you, Sean isn't and wasn't a cutter, but he knows and understands better than Ellie thinks. He's battling some other demons of his own.

**Different:** You just want to get your hands on Ellie don't you? Hmm...I don't know I can always kill Sean off or something and slip you in there. *thinks about it* Ah no, I like my storyline just fine.

**HyperSloth**: Thanks, perhaps just because you reviewed I just gave you a taste of something more.

**Poppyseed**: I never thought of the Sean/Ellie pairing either until I saw those pictures.

**Queenberry Kissyberry:** Thanks

**x Confused Girl x**: The only lowercase letters that aren't uppercased at the beginning of a sentence are those in dialogue. I don't usually uppercase them because of the exchange of dialogue, it just makes since to me. And me spelling: Yea like that as opposed to Yeah is just my personal preference. I'm glad you like the story though.


	3. Control

**Numb**

_Can't you see that you're smothering me  
Holding too tightly afraid to lose control  
Cause everything that you thought I would be  
Has fallen apart right in front of you  
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)  
Every step that I take is another mistake to you  
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)  
And every second I waste is more than I can take_

            Tracker walked up the front door and slipped his key into the keyhole, slowly unlocking the door. Walking through the door, he slipped off his coat and tossed it on the couch. The house was empty, or so it seemed with the eerie quietness that consumed the Cameron home. Tracker walked into the kitchen, dropped his keys on the table and opened the refrigerator, "One, two, three, four...five" Tracker grabbed a beer and opened it with a sadden look painted on his tired face. " There were six when I bought them" he muttered to himself and sat down rubbing his temples. " I hope to God he's not drinking" Tracker whispered to himself. He knew all too well what alcohol at a young age can do to a member of his family. Here he was barely over twenty and barely a social drinker. He remembered watching his father and mother drown their family sorrows and troubles in alcohol. He watched his father beat his mother into oblivion and his mother completely ignore her responsibilities. He watched what it did to Sean, what it did to himself. Tracker couldn't even bare to look down at his arm. The scars were just haunting memories, ones he had to live with everyday, every time he looked at his arm. 

            "You're home early" Sean muttered walking into the kitchen. 

            " And you're home on time" Tracker muttered. 

            Sean shrugged and slunk down into the empty chair at the kitchen table. You could hear his stomach growl a mile away. Tracker picked up the cordless phone and dialed a number he practically knew by heart. " Yea Josh, it's Tracker, I wanna order two large pies, one with pepperoni and sausage, the other with cheese. Thanks, I'll see you in thirty." Tracker hung up the phone. 

            " That'll last us two days" Sean said blandly. 

            Silence.

            " Do you know why there's five cans of beer left in the fridge?" Tracker asked.

            " Uh...You drank one?" Sean said smartly.

            " I bought them yesterday, I'm having my first one just now" Sean didn't know how to answer. Tracker looked at him, " Sean if you drank it tell me, I'm not gunna get mad, I'll just be disappointed." 

" Fine...I drank it happy?" 

            " Very much so...now I won't buy it anymore" 

            Sean's face looked astonished. His jaw nearly dropped to the table. He slammed his fist down hard, " that's not fair!" 

            " You're sixteen Sean, it's not legal" Tracker began, " not to mention how _some_ people in our family react to alcohol." 

            " Look at you" 

            " Yea look at me" 

            " You're fine" 

            " I'm fine because I rarely drink, it's called control!" Tracker said, starting to get angry.

            " I can control myself" 

            " No you can't!" 

            " Yes I can!" 

            "No, Sean, you can't, you can't even make proper decisions for yourself"

            Sean's nostrils flared and he flew up from his seat, knocking the chair backwards. "_What the hell is he talking about, Mr. Let's-make-myself-bleed-to-feel-better!_" he thought angrily. 

            " You've been held back a year in school, you've broken up with Emma..."

            " Emma and I broke up because she wasn't paying attention to me."

            " And that's why you're hanging with Jay?" Tracker asked, " and those other delinquents?" 

            " They are my friends" Sean argued. Tracker laughed.

            " You're friends?" Tracker toned down his voice to a serious tone, " You can't be serious Sean, they are going to drag you down, you're better than that" 

            " At least they care" 

            " I care"

" Bull shit, Tracker" Sean was completely angry, " You think you're hot shit, because you have a job now, _Mr. Suit&Tie_...Well let's get this straight. You aren't my father, and you sure as hell aren't my mother, so you can't tell me what to do, who to hang with, what to think, or how to dress. I can't be who you fuckin' want me to be!" 

Tracker just watched his little brother kick the chair out of his way, open the back door and walk out into the night, slamming the door behind him. He laid his head down on the table and massaged his temples with his fingertips. "_He's falling apart_" he thought to himself. It was stuff like this, petty fights, with his feeling of uselessness in his family, and utter despair that bloodied up his arm in the past. He swallowed it all. He picked up his can of beer, walked over to the sink and emptied it in the drain. Then Tracker walked over to the refrigerator, picked up the rest of the six-pack, and repeated that process. " This poison has done enough to my family." 

~*~^~*~

Ellie sat in her room, tapping her pencil against her notebook. "Two more problems, then I'm done," she said aloud to herself. For some reason, however, she just couldn't focus. There was too much rushing between her ears. Everything seemed to be getting to her. As much as she wanted talk to someone, there was no one. As much as she wanted to cut, she wouldn't let herself. She burst into tears...over a geometry problem. Ellie couldn't take it anymore, slammed her pencil down, grabbed a jacket, and headed down the stairs. She caught a glimpse of her mother passed out on the couch and snorted with disgust as she walked out the door. "Not like she'll notice I'm gone." she muttered as she closed the front door behind her and just started to walk. She wasn't quite sure where she was going, but she just couldn't think about hurting herself. If walking was going to help, she was going to do it. 

            Out of the corner of her eye, she saw a figure walking angrily towards the park. Intrigued she began to follow. As she got closer, she noticed it was Sean. She smiled. "_Sean...he seemed to understand earlier...maybe I can..." _Ellie reached up and placed her hand on his shoulder and Sean flipped out. He spun around and grabbed Ellie's wrist tightly. 

            "Tracker! Leave me..." he began to shout until he noticed Ellie whimpering in pain as his grip tightened around her wrist, " Ellie?" Sean dropped her wrist and rubbed his head in confusion as he apologized. Ellie cradled her wrist and took a breath of relief. 

            " Sorry about that...I thought you were my brother" Sean explained as Ellie looked up at him, " how's your wrist, I didn't make it worse did I?" 

            "It's fine" Ellie muttered as she peeked under her sleeve. " It's not too bad." 

            "That's good" he muttered, " So what are you doing out, shouldn't you be home or at your Co-op job?" 

            Ellie laughed, " Caitlin's giving me some time off...less stress off my back." 

            Sean cocked his head and motioned for Ellie to walk with him. "More like less stress off your arm."

            Ellie looked at him and nodded in agreement. " It's getting easier."

            "It never gets easier." Sean muttered. "It's an addiction, and like any addiction it just gets harder the longer you go without it." 

            " And what would you know?" she asked calmly, trying not to sound like a little snot. 

            " I know how it feels to be addicted," Sean began, " my brother's been through it, my mom and dad are alcoholics, and I'm not sure which path I'm following at the moment"

            " And everyone wants you to be a certain way?" 

            " We can't all be perfect" 

            " We can't all be the same" she agreed.

            " Why can't we all just be who we want to be?" he muttered. 

            " I don't know" 

            " And they wonder what's wrong with youth these days" she said with a smirk. Sean noticed a bench in the park and motioned for her to sit down with him. " It's like they want to erase the word individuality from the dictionary"

            Sean laughed, " you think too much" 

            " No one can think too much" 

            " Emma can...she thinks she can save the world" 

            Ellie laughed, "she's strong-willed, you've gotta respect that"

            " I guess...she just seemed to care more about the environment than me, and that was just another page in the book against me" 

            " Wow, entire book already?" Ellie said amused, " don't even get me started on the series of books that seem to be against me." 

            " Who could possibly be against you?" Sean asked in wonderment.

            " I could ask the same thing, you're brother seems to love you, you seem to have a home" 

            " And you don't?" 

            " My mom probably hasn't even noticed I've left the house, and my dad's on a peace keeping mission, I'm pretty much alone." 

            " Tracker's always at work" 

            " But he cares" Ellie argued, " my mother is always passed out drunk on the couch."

            Sean was silent for a moment. He didn't know how to respond. He knew what it was like to have a negligent mother. " You have a father who cares." 

            " Who isn't here, where I need him, I seem to have no one" Sean looked over at Ellie, for the first time he saw her looking extremely lost. Every time he saw her, she seemed to have a smile on her face chatting away with Ashley, Craig, or Marco. Here she was a lost little girl, clutching her jacket close to her body to keep from shivering. "It's always Ashley with Craig, and even so she's been hanging with Paige more, and less with me. Marco's obsessed with finding his soul mate and watching _Queer Eye for the Straight Guy_ to check out some good looking guys with some and I quote 'style sense'" she said using quotation motions with her fingers and returned to hugging herself. " The only person who actually seemed to care that I was hurting myself was Paige, and I don't understand why."

            Ellie looked like her eyes were going to burst into water works, so Sean did the only thing he could think of, and placed his arm around the girl. " I'm sure your father would care." 

            " Then why did he leave? He knows how she gets when he leaves, why did he leave?" Her eyes were starting to water. 

            " I'm sure he didn't want to, Ellie" 

            " But he still left" she said turning her head so that her tears fell onto his black sweatshirt. Sean sat frozen for a moment. He'd never actually comforted a crying girl. Emma never cried in front of him. That time he'd pushed her, she got angry, never cried. She never seemed to shed a tear; she seemed almost inhuman at times. 

            " Not because he wanted to, I'm sure if he had a choice, he would have stayed." 

            Ellie looked up, and wiped her tears with her sleeve. "I'm sorry" she muttered. 

            " It's okay," Sean shifted his arm as she sat up again. " We all have problems." 

            " So I take it you're not _Mr.Perfect_ then" she sniffled.

            " Far from it, there is so much wrong with me you could write a series of books." 

            " You don't seem as bad as some" 

            " Tell that to my brother...he seems to think I'm heading down the wrong path" 

            " Well you hang out with Jay, what do you expect?" Ellie muttered.

            " What's that supposed to mean?"

            " I mean Jay isn't a good kid...he's known to turn on his 'friends'" she answered. 

            Sean was silent, " well he hasn't turned on me" 

            " Yet" 

            " I doubt he will" 

            " Are you willing to take a chance like that, on something serious like going to jail?" 

            " What do you care?" 

            " Would it matter?" 

            Sean shrugged. Looking down he noticed his watch was blinking to be near eight in the evening. He raised his arms and stood up, and offered his hand to Ellie, who gladly took it. 

            " Hungry?" he asked. Ellie's stomach growled, and she nodded. " how about some pizza?" 

            " Sure, sounds good" 

            " Sure you're mom won't mind." 

            " She doesn't even know I'm gone," Ellie answered. 

Sean smiled and led Ellie back to his house. He wasn't sure what Tracker was going to say, and quite frankly he didn't care. Perhaps bringing Ellie home would help more than just her, maybe it would help him and his relationship with Tracker would be smoothed over by bringing someone other than Jay and the gang home.

**A/N: Holy Fuckin' Shit! Seriously I don't think I've ever gotten this many reviews. Ya'll really don't know how much you made my day. Ask my friend Kat, if she ever gets on the computer and gets back to writing, instead of just checking some of my stories for stupid mistakes. **

**Quick thanks to: Bookdragon14,Pandydawn, Poppyseed, Ellectra, x Confused Girl x, and Eyes of a Child. **

**Different:** I'm sure, I'm almost positive I will not be "accidently" slipping rat poison into Sean's beer. If you want to take care of your twisted imagination without ripping off my work, go make yourself into an OC and bang the shit out of Ellie if you want.

**InFaTuAtEd*cHiK:** sorry if I sound like a bitch, but _just to let you know_ single quotes are not for dialogue. The double quotes are for dialogue, single quotes are for interior quotes and apostrophes...

**Bren Eldrid Bera: **omg! I hadn't even realized that it was from the episode. I was running back and forth between the tv and my computer so I missed a few bits her and there, but I did catch that bit with the food and her mom being a drunken bitch about it. I figure it was a reoccurring thing so I just incorporated that. Thanks for letting me know.


	4. Pizza and Peroxide

**Numb**

_I've become so numb I can't feel you there  
I've become so tired so much more aware  
I'm becoming this all I want to do  
Is be more like me and be less like you_

Sean opened the door and walked into his house, leading Ellie in behind him. Tracker appeared from the kitchen; Sean half expected him to be fuming with anger but instead looked calm as a cucumber. Tracker's calm face peeked in interest as his eyes fell upon Ellie standing behind Sean, clutching her jacket tightly against herself. Almost hugging. 

          " Whose your friend Sean?" Tracker asked walking back into the kitchen.

          " Ellie Nash" Sean muttered as he and Ellie followed him into the kitchen and sat down at the table as Tracker served up a few slices of pizza.

          " I don't hang out with Jay and those tight-asses if that's what you're thinking" Ellie said as Tracker served her a slice in silence. 

          Tracker laughed. " Not what I was thinking, but it's good to see Sean meeting new people."

          Sean rolled his eyes. He hated when Tracker played the father figure. Sean hastily grabbed the paper plate with his slice of pizza away from Tracker's outstretched hand. " You know," Sean muttered as he took a bite, "You mah bwother, not mah dwad." He swallowed. " Can you please act like it?" 

          " English please" Ellie said raising her eyebrows.

          " You know," he began again, addressing Tracker, " You're my brother, not my dad, Can you please act like it?" 

          Tracker looked a bit taken aback, but sighed heavily, "If that's what you want..." he said putting Sean in a headlock and rubbing his knuckles into his hat covered head. Ellie tried her hardest to stifle her laughter and nearly choked on her piece of pizza. " So..." Tracker muttered as he released Sean and pulled opened the refrigerator and pulled out three cans of Coca-Cola™ and set them on the table. " Does anyone know you're here Ellie?" 

          Ellie shook her head, " I doubt anyone would notice." 

          " And why would you say that?" 

          " Because my mom was passed out when I left" Ellie answered matter-of-factly. 

          Tracker didn't bother to respond, he'd done pretty much the same thing when he was their age. He'd leave the house to escape all the turmoil, to escape everything that made him want to dig into his arm with something sharp.          " So what are you trying to escape from?" 

          Ellie dropped her pizza. " Nothing," she answered quickly, " What makes you think that?" 

          Tracker shrugged. " Why don't you take off your jacket you must be hot as hell in here." 

          Ellie looked over at Sean; if she took off her jacket, she'd have one less thing between her arm and the world. All she'd have then is a sleeve. Sean gave her a reassuring look, he seemed to be saying, 'it's okay' with his eyes. Ellie bit her lip and slid off her jacket and tugged her sleeves down, and picked up her pizza again, taking another bite. 

          " Um, Track...I'm not gunna be home tomorrow night." Sean muttered, trying to take his brother's attention away from Ellie.

          " Tomorrow's Wednesday, it's a school night...where else would you be?" Tracker asked, anger starting to rise in his voice. 

          " Out with Jay and Towerz" 

          " Um...no" Tracker responded. Sean looked at him in disbelief, had Ellie not been there, he probably would have blown up just as worse as he had before he left the house. " It's a school night Sean, it's not because I dislike the effect they seem to have on you, I can't choose who you hang out with, but I can read your mind...if it was a Friday, sure, go ahead, do whatever, be a kid, but it's not..." 

          " But..." 

          " No buts...that's the end of the discussion change your plans to Friday or Saturday, but no means no." 

          " I agree with Tracker, Sean, besides...didn't you say you would help me understand some of the problems I'm having with geometry since you already took it last year?...and passed."  Ellie said, looking straight at Sean with an 'I'm giving you an alibi' look. 

          "oh...yea" Sean said getting the drift. 

          Dinner at the Cameron home seemed to be more like dinner than anything Ellie experienced at home while her father was away. She laughed and had real _dinnertime_ conversation. She felt so relaxed it surprised Sean when she, unbeknown to herself, subconsciously rolled up her sleeves as the temperate climate in the room got to her fatigued body. Sean's eyes widened as he followed Tracker's gaze to her arm, and suddenly Ellie was the only one lost in the moment. 

          " El..." Sean muttered and motioned for her to roll down her sleeve. Ellie furrowed her eyebrows and looked down at her arm and panicked, she quickly tried to tug her sleeves down but Tracker had already noticed, and gently stopped her hand. 

          " not trying to escape?" Tracker asked. Ellie dropped her head onto the table and pushed back tears. " Stay tight..." he muttered and walked over to a cabinet and came back with a bottle of peroxide and some cotton balls. " You shouldn't let the cuts go uncleaned..." he said as she dabbed peroxide on the cotton balls and ran them over her arm gently. Ellie jumped a little as the peroxide stung her skin. Sean watched as her eyes brimmed with tears she held back from the twangs of pain. " They could get infected." Ellie opened her mouth to speak. " When was the last time you cut?" Tracker asked.

          " ...last Friday..." Ellie whimpered as he got up to grab something else. 

          " and you didn't clean these up?" Tracker asked angrily, " They are still open..." 

          " That's partially my fault" Sean muttered. Tracker spun his head to glare at Sean.

          " what do you mean it's partially your fault" 

          " ...I fell..." Ellie muttered, " and Sean helped me up and grabbed my arm a bit too tight..." 

          " and they opened up?" Tracker asked as he sat back down with some vitamin E and began to rub it gently over her cuts. Ellie nodded. " Well no duh...look Ellie, I know all too well how addicting this is, but it's dangerous, especially when you don't take care of the cuts." 

          " I'm trying to stop" 

          " I'm sure you are..." Tracker muttered.

          " She is Track...she was just coming from seeing the counselor when I bumped into her."      

          Tracker turned and looked at Ellie. He smiled slightly. " you'll pull through."

          Ellie nodded and pulled her arm slowly away from Tracker and tugged her sleeves down, and pulled on her jacket. " I-I-I better be going...it's getting late." 

          Tracker nodded. 

          " I'll walk you home" Sean volunteered, " you shouldn't be walking around after dark, alone" 

          Ellie nodded and Sean led her out of the kitchen and out the door. As they rounded the end of Sean's block Ellie turned to him and looked furious, "that was why you brought me there?" she asked angrily.

          Sean looked at her, " I brought you over because you didn't seem like you wanted to be at home." 

          Ellie breathed a sigh angrily, she was fuming. " I can't believe...he..." she groaned in frustration as she walked towards her house.

          " all I have to say is ... he's better than Ms. Sauve" he muttered, smirking in the darkness of the streets. 

          Ellie turned around and laughed, " he definitely understands better." 

          " Look, about that whole..." 

          " 'let's study!' thing?" she asked overly perky in a nauseating way, she almost made herself sick.

          " yea," Sean said with a chuckle, " you didn't have to..." 

          " _you didn't seem like you wanted to be at home_" she responded mocking his words from earlier. 

          Sean rolled his eyes. 

          " This is my stop" Ellie said stopping in front of her house. 

          " it was nice talking with you Ellie Nash..." 

          " see you in school _Sean Cameron_." 

          Ellie walked up the stairs of her house and walked into her home and shut the door gently behind her, careful not to wake her still sleeping mother. Ellie crept up the stairs and back to her room and sat down on the floor and managed to finish those two problems she hadn't been able to finish earlier. She packed up her homework and crawled up to her computer and sat down. She signed onto the _Degrassi Community School _site and accessed her inbox and noticed she had an dmail from Ashley. 

          **_Hey Els-_**

****

**_          I tried to call you but no answer...if I'm still on msg me_**

****

**_          *Ash*_**

          Ellie smirked to herself and clicked on Ashley's name and sure enough, she was still on. 

          **NOLabels: u rang?**

**          pictureperfect: where have u been all day?**

**          NOLabels: meeting w/ Sauve...**

**          pictureperfect: how did it go?**

**          NOLabels: not bad, I'm feeling better**

**          pictureperfect: good, where have u been since then?**

**          NOLabels: came home...did hw**

**          pictureperfect: u've been doin' hw 4 3hours?!**

**          NOLabels: went 4 a walk**

**          pictureperfect: where?**

**          NOLabels: nowhere...**

**          NOLabels: sorry Ash...I gtg**

**          _NOLabels has signed off_**

          Ellie breathed heavily as she signed off. She knew about Ashley's little past _experience_ with Sean at her party. And frankly, the two haven't really talked since then, so mentioning him probably wouldn't have been a good idea. She knew tomorrow Ashley would probably be breathing down her neck about the vagueness, but right now, she didn't care. Right now, she was on _Cloud 6_, not quite _Cloud 9_ but close enough for her liking. Ellie changed into a pair of sweatpants and a tank top and crawled into bed, she looked down at her arm, and didn't frown nor smile. For the first time she didn't feel ashamed about it. Looking down she realized, _they were healing...she was healing._

**A/N: Ok...I know I've been updating more so than I said I was prolly going to...and frankly, that's not normal for me, you should all feel privileged. I do have another project, a saga really I've put off for the moment, mainly cause my train of thought isn't completely focused on it. And that angers me...cause up until a few weeks ago it was my baby. *looks sad ***

**Quick thanks to everyone who reviewed...Poppyseed, Ellectra, x Confused Girl x, Different, The Anonymous Compass, Callie, Amy, and love-fool.**

**InFaTuAtEd* cHiK: **wow, I feel horrible, I apologized if I sounded bitchy didn't I? Because I knew no matter how I wrote it would prolly look so. You didn't offend me...I don't think anyone can offend me, I strive on people's hatred for me...I'm weird I know...I constantly msg ex-boyfriends whom I know hate my guts and ask them to spill what they hate about me...and use it to my advantage...it's a gift, so don't ever feel you offend me...once again, I'm sorry if I sounded bitchy...

**trucalifornian: **I'm glad you found a Degrassi story you liked, and I'm glad it's mine...hope you keep reading...

**and before I forget...**

**This chapter is dedicated to my very own lifesaver...Arthur! Those of you who are telling me about how they _know what it feels like_ yea...I know too, and I'm writing with a little bit of experiance, and I'm able to do that thanks to Arthur who told me to write this one more not only because ya'll reviewed so quick, and so lovingly, but because it's the only thing keeping me sane at the moment and he knows that...and he made me write another chapter tonight even though I was completely stressing over my phsyics homework and the fact that I'm getting a 56 in that class....**

**So Arthur, luv, this is for you! Because you're my favorite! **

***Kiss ***


	5. Notes and Hangovers

**Numb**

_And I know  
I may end up failing too  
But I know  
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you_

          Sean tugged his black beanie down over his ears and shoved his hands deep into his pockets. Ellie didn't seem herself lately. He'd never seen her cry. Then again, he'd never been around Tracker when he was trying to stop cutting himself. Sean shrugged at his thoughts and continued to walk home. The chilly night air made him shiver as he passed houses he used to remember visiting with Emma. On one of her crusades to save the rainforest, they stopped at every single house on the street to hand out pamphlets. It was pointless but he did it for Emma. But no matter how often he seemed to help her with her projects she never seemed to be there for him. 

          "Cameron" a figure muttered happily as it jumped in front of Sean. Sean smirked in the darkness. 

          " Hey Jay" he responded, but continued to walk home. 

          " Where you going so quickly?" Jay asked. 

          " Home" 

          Jay nodded, " So you ready for tomorrow night?" 

          Sean thought for a moment and remembered the Ellie had provided him with an alibi. He opened his mouth to respond with a yes but something seemed to stop him. "Can't..." Sean finally answered.

          " Why not?" Jay asked disappointed.        

          " I'm studyin'" he laughed to himself. 

          "You're kiddin' right?" Jay asked laughing.

          " Unfortunately not, Tracker won't let me out of the house on a school night, and I can't sit at home, so I'm going over to a friends to _study_" he said, seeming to bounce lightly in his step on the last word.

          Jay laughed, " female friend?" he nudged and winked. 

          Sean rolled his eyes. 

          " So who is it?" Jay begged as they turned down Sean's street. 

          " No one you know" 

          " So you broke things off with Jules?" 

          Sean shrugged. " Not my type" 

          " What? Doesn't save enough animals for your taste?" 

          Sean rolled his eyes. Jay was really getting on his nerves tonight. Jay, too, noticed the tenseness between him and Sean; lying off a bit he invited Sean over for a little bit for something to _calm his nerves_. Sean thought about declining, after the fight he had with Tracker earlier, but he was stressed to the limit and a little drink wouldn't hurt. Sean agreed and he and Jay headed off to Jay's house. 

          Jay's house was usually empty. Both his parents were always at work and left Jay home alone most of the time. Like usual, Jay's house was cold and empty. Leading Sean into the kitchen he flicked on a light switch and the cold kitchen warmed up slightly. Jay poured him and Sean a few shots of Tequila and the two just got themselves completely wasted. " Want another?" Jay asked as he sloppily poured another shot and laughed as it overflowed onto the counter. Sean laughed and shook his head. The room seemed to be spinning as he slid off the barstool at the counter and his head felt so heavy as he tried to walk towards the door. 

          " Where ya goin'?" Jay asked.

          " I need to get home" 

          " see ya at schoooooooooool" Jay slurred happily and downed another shot.           

          Sean struggled mentally to get his head straight to make it home. Doing that just seemed to give him a headache and he laughed away the pain, stumbled to the door, and let himself out. The night seemed darker as he staggered down the sidewalk towards his house, leaning on random stop signs and lampposts for balance before he stumbled up his own stairs in through the front door. 

          " Where have you been?" Tracker asked worriedly. 

          Sean distorted his face as he tried to think of an answer, then pointed to his left with his right arm and up to his nose with his left, and just laughed. Tracker raised a hand to his own face and just drowned himself in it. Sean laughed and threw an arm around Tracker's shoulders, " You...are... sooooooo" Sean slurred, " uptight!"  

          Tracker grabbed Sean's hand and began to lead him towards the bathroom. As Sean stumbled with Tracker's help to walk, his head began to sober up, the alcohol was starting to get to his liver, and at the moment, his stomach. " Track..." 

          " Yea?" 

          " I don't feel so..." Tracker had barely made it into the bathroom with Sean when Sean fell to his knees in front of the toilet and began to vomit. Tracker leaned against the sink as the sounds of Sean emptying his stomach echoed through the tiled walls of the bathroom. 

          _"I've let him down"_ Tracker thought to himself as he turned and watched as Sean's face rarely recede out of the toilet bowl. Sean raised an arm, flushed the toilet, grabbed some toilet paper, and wiped his mouth. He looked so pale and beads of sweat began to form on his forehead. " Get in the shower." Tracker muttered. 

          Sean listened. For the first time in a few weeks, he listened to his older brother. Tracker left him alone in the bathroom and he stripped off his clothes and climbed into the shower. Turning on the tap the water sprayed at him hard and cold. Sean jumped at the frigid temperature and quickly sobered up a bit more and fell into the water a bit more as the water's temperature went up and slowly surrounded him in a steamy mist. The water seemed to wash away his drunken persona and by the time he wrapped a towel around his body he had some idea of what Tracker meant by: _control_. 

~*~^~*~

          Ellie tapped her pencil against her desk as Mr. Armstrong droned on about proofs and complimentary angles of some sort. She wasn't quite sure; she had stopped paying attention long ago. The day was pushing by quickly, almost as if she were looking forward to something, but she had new clue what. She laughed to herself, again not quite sure why. She was just in a positively uplifting mood.

          " Was there something about complimentary angles you found funny Miss Nash?" Mr. Armstrong asked. 

          Ellie looked up and shook her head with a smile. He looked at her and then returned to his lesson. Ellie turned as she felt Marco tapping her side. He slipped her a note. 

          _Hey Els-_

_          everything alright?_

Ellie sighed and responded.

          _everything's fine, y?_

She slipped the note back to Marco, who quickly scribbled on it and passed it back.

          _u just seem happy...thought maybe you were in love or something_

Ellie laughed silently. 

          _no...I'm just happy, not sure why, but I hope I stay like this for a bit_

Marco smiled.

          _I'm glad...I was getting worried about u_

Ellie took a deep breath.

          _I'm getting better, u really don't need to worry_

Marco looked relieved.

          _still best friends?_

Ellie smiled happily.

          _of course_

          Ellie passed the note back and packed up her book bag as the bell rang. She walked with Marco for a bit, but they split off when Marco wanted to go trek after Dylan before lunch. Ellie was still living on _Cloud 6_. She was nearly bouncing as she walked into the cafeteria and sat down, waiting for Marco to show up at their table. Ellie poked at her food and jumped slightly as Paige and Ashley slid into seats across from her. 

" Hey Ellie" Paige said sweetly.

" Hi" Ellie responded looking up.

" How are you?" 

          " Fine..." 

          " So...why'd you sign off all quick?" Ashley asked.

          Ellie rolled her eyes. " I was tired, needed some sleep" 

          " Are you sure that's it?" Paige asked.

          Ellie couldn't believe this. Paige _and_ Ashley were ganging up on her. Didn't they trust that because she was getting help that she was fine. " I'm sure, can't I sleep without you guys breathing down my neck?" she asked frustrated. Her soaring mood was now crashing towards the ground as the two girls gave her worried looks. "_I bet they're just worried_" she thought to herself.

          " We're just worried" Ashley said. 

          Ellie rolled her eyes. " Look, if either of you two had taken the chance to notice me at all today, you'd notice that I've been in a pretty good mood" 

          " That's great Ellie" Paige answered perkily.

          " No...It's not!" Ellie argued loudly, " because now I'm pretty upset that you two couldn't trust me when I said I was tired." Ellie looked frustratingly angry as she threw on her book bag, grabbed her lunch tray, and dumped it in the garbage, walking out of the cafeteria. 

          " That went well" Paige said as she and Ashley watched Ellie walk out of the cafeteria and down the hall. 

          Ellie walked down the hall towards the Zen garden and dropped her book bag on the bench only to watch it tumble to the ground and a figure mutter an angry, " watch it!" 

          Sean sat up and rubbed his head. 

          " Sorry" Ellie said, her voice echoing throughout the garden.

          " Watch the volume" Sean said rubbing his eyes with his hands. 

          " You okay?" Ellie asked, lowering her voice so it didn't echo.

          " Hangover" 

          " Oh" Ellie muttered.

          " Where are you supposed to be?" Sean asked sitting up and making room for Ellie on the marble bench. 

          " Lunch" 

          " Not hungry?" 

          " Not anymore" 

          " What happened?" 

          Ellie sighed, " Paige and Ashley" 

          Sean nodded.

          " They are _worried_, and they don't trust me when I say I'm fine."

          " I trust you" 

          " That's reassuring" she said sarcastically.

          Sean shrugged, " whatever" 

          " It's just...I've been in a really good mood today, and they brought it all crashing down," Ellie explained. "Everything's been tough, I mean trying to over come this..." she said looking down at her sleeve covered arm, " and it's just made me overly emotional lately." 

          Sean nodded, " it's tough."

          Ellie breathed deep, " I mean I've been all big on the crying lately...I'm normally not this bad with the waterworks, but since I'm not cutting, I have nowhere for all of _this _to go..."

          " Then let yourself cry..." 

          " I don't want to" 

          "Trying to be strong _Miss Nash_?" Sean asked smartly.

          Ellie laughed at his smugness but agreed. "Soo..." she muttered, trying to change the subject. "How did you manage to get drunk last night?" 

          " Jay...on the way home from your house." Sean answered easily, " I definitely drank too much last night, ended up in the bathroom.

          " What did your brother say" 

          " Nothing" Sean said surprised to the answer to her question.

          " you seem surprised"

          " yea" he agreed, " it's what me and him were fighting about before you went for your walk last night." 

          The bell rang and Ellie found herself collecting her books and bag and cocking her head to one side, watching Sean. " you going to class?" 

          " might as well go to one of them today" Sean muttered standing up quickly and nearly falling over as the blood rushed to his head. Ellie reached out and grabbed him, keeping him steady for a few moments and the two walked towards her next class. 

**A/N: Came home from school in a pretty good mood and figure since I'm not going to my school's Holiday Dance because I'm not the dance type that I'd type ya'll up a chapter. That and because Arthur wasn't looking too well today, and I figured I do this for him again. He's sick, took too much cough syrup and has to play a show with his band about two hours away tonight. Unfortunately I can't go. Which makes me angry, because I need to piss off the other guitarist in the band, because he's been kinda creepy lately...Also the mentioning of Jules...just some random girl I threw in there to explain Sean's um...*cough * hickey *cough * in the one episode...**

**Different: **That was enough flattery thanks...you had me blushing. You should feel privileged because I'm still putting off my _baby_. 

**EvenAngelsFall22: **I'm glad you've finally gotten around to reading it. I'm glad you like it. And I'm not that great...You're making my blush...*hides*

**eyes of a child**: *sigh * it's no problem at all to throw your name out there, you reviewed, I'm thanking you. Phsyics is getting better, I just made up a lab I never handed in and it boosted my grade up to a **64** so I'm quite happy about that. And me and my friend Scott managed to give each other A's on our pop quizzes today (the teacher tells us to trade papers and correct them, so me and Scott do...*laughs *)

**The Anonymous Compass**: Yea, I'm not much of a crier either.I basically live on phsyical pain...never really cried until I started doing it again after not doing it for almost a year, and I couldn't believe I had started again and got upset with myself and ended up crying out of frustration that I had picked up a habit I had stopped for a bit. If you watch _Whisper to a Scream_ Ellie does end up crying alot, especially when she's cutting herself. I actually yelled at that TV because I mean she's cutting herself because she wants to, I mean suck it up and don't cry because you're hurting yourself. I saw Tracker once. In Season One when Sean and Emma meet and she's being all self righteous about one thing or another and Sean has just arrived at the school with Tracker and she's there with her Mom and Tracker actually tells Emma off about something. He was pretty cute...

**more thanks to: Poppyseed, trucalifornian, and Ellectra...**

**and before I forget, again**

**This is for Arthur! My lifesaver! Cause he wasn't feeling well today and I hope this makes him feel better before his show in Reading. I wish I could be there to see you and the boys of Oktober Skyline, luv! I'll be at the next show, I promise, besides Arthur, my back hurts and I don't think I could handle dancing and fucking up my back more, and after getting my ass kicked in V-ball, that would be a bad idea, wouldn't it?**

**FEEL BETTER ARTHUR! **

***KISS ***


	6. Short Stories

**Numb**

_I've become so numb I can't feel you there  
I've become so tired so much more aware  
I'm becoming this all I want to do  
Is be more like me and be less like you_

          "Cameron!" Jay called out to Sean as he walked Ellie to class. Sean looked over at Ellie, who just breathed in deep. Sean shrugged his shoulders and motioned that he would see her later and headed off towards Jay. Ellie just continued towards her class. It didn't phase her, people leaving her behind for someone else. She'd seen the same thing happen to her with Ash and Craig, between her and Marco chasing after Dylan. What made her think Sean would be any different. 

          " Yea Jay?" Sean asked as he left Ellie.

          " Whose the girl?" 

          " eh, just Ellie" Sean muttered and leaned against the lockers.

          " oh...yea, well me and Towerz were thinkin' of headin' down towards the rail yard with Alex and Jules...have a little party." 

          " Sorry Jay, I told you I can't" 

          " Oh, yea, you have to _study_" 

          Sean looked up at Jay, he didn't want to disappoint him, but he also didn't want to be left out of a little fun. " I'll see what I can do" Sean answered. It happened to be exactly what Jay wanted to hear. 

          Sean looked back across the hall and Ellie was gone. He took a breath and began to head towards the library, it was always quiet, a great place to sleep when you were too hung over to go to class. 

~*~^~*~

          Ellie slipped into her seat in her Lit class and struggled to pay attention, but her mind drifted to other goings on in the room. Such as Paige's worried look and her whispering to Ashley. She didn't mind the worry. It was more so the constant talk behind her back that Ellie didn't like. More like the trust she wasn't receiving from Paige, and most of all Ashley. Marco at least trusted her when she said she was _okay_. 

          " Miss Nash can you tell me what the sonnet means?" a voice asked. 

          Ellie looked up at the teacher for a moment and then took a deep breath, calming herself, " which sonnet is this?" 

          The woman rolled her eyes and pushed her glasses back on her nose and immersed herself into the book, "CXXVII"

          Ellie looked over the list of Shakespeare's sonnets and her eyes fell upon the one the teacher had asked her about. 

_In old age black was not counted fair,_

_          Or if it were, it bore not beauty's name;_

_          But now is black beauty's successive heir,_

_          And beauty slander'd with a bastard shame:_

_          For since each hand hath put on nature's power,_

_          Fairing the foul with art's false borrow'd face,_

_          Sweet beauty hath no name, no holy hour,_

_          But is profan'd, if not lives in disgrace._

_          Therefore my mistress' eyes are raven black,_

_          Her eyes so suited; and they mourners seem_

_          At such, who, not born fair, no beauty lack,_

_          Slandering creation with a false esteem:_

_                    Yet so they mourn, becoming of their woe_

_                    That every tongue says, beauty should look so._

Ellie looked over the sonnet and read it in her head. " It's talking about how dark themes like death and such a deep color like black weren't seen as beautiful in such an age, but now the gothic themes are beautiful and what was beautiful is no longer so...kinda like saying _beauty is in the eye of the beholder_ and what not..." 

" Great analysis Ellie" the teacher praised. Ellie glowed. " Any other thoughts?" she asked the class. A few people muttered their opinion but Ellie droned out the sounds of everyone else and just focused on her thoughts, and the doodles she was drawing in her naked notebook.     

~*~^~*~

          Ellie was sitting in her room trying to figure out her geometry homework yet again, staring at her book, to her notebook, to her compass, and then to her arm. She could almost envision herself forcing the edge of the compass point into her skin and dragging it across. She could imagine the release that never came. She grabbed her compass tightly in her hand and shakily brought it towards her arm. Her hand was shaking so much that before the compass point could even touch her scarred skin she dropped it on the hardwood floor and heard it's contact echoing through her room, breaking the silence. Then as quickly as the silence returned the doorbell rang. The suddenness of the new noise caused Ellie to jump slightly as she sat on her hardwood floor. 

          " Answer the damn door!" her mother shrieked from downstairs. Ellie stood up quickly, rushed down the stairs, and flung open the door before the person could ring the doorbell again, annoying her mother's hangover.

          Ellie's facial expression could be explained as nothing more than amusement and confusion swirled together on her pale face of a canvas. "What are you doing here?" 

          Sean stepped into the house, " you said you needed help on geometry was it?" 

          " that was so you could get out of the house without your brother breathing down your neck, it wasn't an invitation to my house" Ellie said in her sarcastic tone.

          Sean looked hurt for a moment, " I guess I could go hang out with Jay then" he muttered and turned to leave but Ellie stopped him. She wanted him to stay, for the sake of not hanging out with Jay again. 

          " you can stay...provided that you know something about proofs" Ellie said smirking and opening the door wider to let him in. 

          Sean followed Ellie inside and up to her room. Looking around he noticed the darkness and depth her room held. Her walls were a deep crimson red, accented in black. It had a true gothic feel (and he didn't mean the stereotype). Her room was so dark and mysterious he was surprised it was lit with candles. 

          Ellie sat down on the dark hardwood floor and picked up her pencil. She stopped and looked up at Sean who just looked around her room. "You can sit down if you want" she muttered chirpily, rolling her eyes.

          Sean stepped into the room and threw himself onto her bed, and bounced up and down with the mattress. "So you're having problems with proofs?" he asked as he cuddled up with her crimson red comforter. 

          Ellie looked up and laughed, nodding her head. 

          Sean leaned over the edge of her bed and motioned for her to come closer. She picked up her book and notebook and slid closer to her bed so that her back was against the frame and watched as Sean looked over her work intently. 

          " Well, you see here?" Sean said pointing to one of her problems, "That would never work out"   

          Ellie looked at him confused, Sean quickly showed her what he meant, and it seemed to snap into her head. 

          " and why were you held back?" she asked wondering, because the way he was rushing through her homework she didn't understand it.

          " English and all my other classes" he muttered, " math is easy for me...English is not" 

          Ellie laughed.

          " it's not funny" 

          " yea it is...I'm completely terrible when it comes to math and English comes to easily to me."

          Sean smiled. " good, then maybe you can help me out sometime" 

          Ellie rolled her eyes, " sure" 

          In no time, Ellie was finished with her homework and she watched from her floor as Sean went through her CDs. "Don't you have anything good?" he muttered. Ellie looked at him in disbelief.

          " Your kidding right?" she asked.

          " I've never heard of half these bands."

          " well we don't all listen to mainstream music" she said rolling her eyes and lifting herself off the floor. She walked over to her CD tower and nudged Sean to the side. She ran her finger down the spines of the CD's until she came to one she liked. She pulled it out, popped it in her CDplayer, and tossed the case to Sean. 

          "From Autumn to Ashes..." Sean said reading the case, " who are they?"

          "American band" she muttered as she skipped through most of the CD until she got to the last song. " this is music" she said smirking. Sean looked at her funny and then heard the music pumping through the speakers softly as she turned down her stereo while she shut her bedroom door so her mother wouldn't be disturbed. He heard a redundant guitar melody and what he thought were violins and then a harsh rhythm on the guitar and bass and then a simple drum beat. There seemed to be no vocals until he heard a harsh hardcore sounding voice followed by a beautiful melodic vocalist imbedding the most gorgeously poetic lyrics into his head. Nine minutes later, he was still amazed by the song he had just heard. It had combined so much including energy and emotion that he was just blown away. 

          "What was that?" he asked.

          " Short Stories with Tragic Endings" she muttered, " One of their best"

          "What else do you have?" 

          Ellie thought for a moment and pulled out something lighter is sound, and a little less hardcore. " JamisonParker" she said. Sean raised a weary eyebrow as she exchanged the CD's. 

          "you might be able to connect with this one a bit" 

_Did you know you were the girl  
that made me hate blond hair and I  
just can't wait to make you hate me a little more  
and everynight that I spend  
with bloodshot eyes and no end  
and enough excuses here to bury me alive  
  
so here I am  
a love worn masochist  
with hearts carved straight across my chest  
letting the carpet soak up all that's left to give  
  
Will you swear you won't be sleepin'  
cause I can't begin to dream to shut my eyes  
and I'm biting bullets and watching phones  
for no apparent reason  
and I don't think that I'll make it out alive  
  
Did you know you were the girl  
that made love a four letter word  
I just can't wait to make you hate me a little more  
you made my head a mess   
with the life of doctors notes  
and ink blot tests   
and enough empty bottles to bury me alive  
  
so here I am  
a love worn masochist  
with hearts carved straight across my chest  
letting the carpet soak up all that's left to give  
  
Will you swear you won't be sleepin'  
cause I can't begin to dream to shut my eyes  
and I'm biting bullets and watching phones  
for no apparent reason  
and I don't think that I'll make it out alive  
  
When a smile is a close call  
and my words caught in my throat  
I'm an inch away from dying  
and I'm lucky if I choke  
  
When a smile is a close call(I wear my heart)  
and my words caught in my throat (on my sleeve)  
I'm an inch away from dying (and you'll still)  
and I'm lucky if I choke (walk right by me)  
  
so here I am  
a love worn masochist  
with hearts carved straight across my chest  
letting the carpet soak up all that's left to give  
  
Will you swear you won't be sleepin'  
(I wear my heart on my sleeve)  
cause I can't begin to dream to shut my eyes  
(and you'll still walk right by me)  
and I'm biting bullets and watching phones  
(I wear my heart on my sleeve)  
for no apparent reason  
(and you'll still walk right by me)  
and I don't think that I'll make it out alive  
no, I don't think that I'll make it out alive_

          "Emma" Sean muttered, " Wow" 

          " still think I don't have anything good?" she asked taking the CD out and placing it back in its case and tossing it to Sean. "Give it back tomorrow" she muttered.

          Sean nodded agreeing and noticed the clock on beside her bed was blinking ten. " I think it's about time I get going" he muttered. Ellie agreed and showed him out quietly, making sure she wouldn't wake her mother.

**A/N: Thanks guys for the reviews. Eh, don't really have anything really wow to ramble on about this chapter except that I was prolly listening to too much music during this one...**

**Quick Thanks to: trucalifornian, InFaTuAtEd*cHiK,brokenglass, XxSleepyGirlxX, weallmadeofstars, Angel Lily, bookdragon14, Ellectra,and phred doesn't like you...**

**The Anonymous Compass: **I know what you mean...When you're cutting you really don't think about it because you're too busy trying to release, it's such an interesting coping mechanism isn't it? I don't cry that often either, I only cry when I tend to get extremely frustrated and have nowhere to put this frustration especially when you're trying to not cut. This is where Arthur helped me out a lot. He got me writing a lot more than I used to. It helps some, but you're still left with that feeling to wanting to draw blood.

**eyes of a child: **Wow...I wasn't aware of that...thanks for letting me know. Just because of you I threw Alex into the mix, but I'm making Jules another girl they hang out with that he's been kinda seeing, just cause I'm too lazy to go back and change it. 

**XxSacredDreamsxX**: Thanks a lot, actually if you read the my disclaimer and what not on the first page this little ditty is all inspired by the promo pictures, but it's obvious now that I've seen some of the previews for Sean and Ellie getting together. It's looking cute...and I can't wait to see those eps...

**ah...**

**I'd love to say that this is dedicated to Arthur, but I haven't talked to him in a few days. I would love to say this is dedicated to Damian, but he's being a complete douche bag. So I'm dedicating this chapter to Kat, cause she's my favorite...**

**on a side note...**

**Damian needs to die...but he gets props for introducing me to the sounds of JamisonParker**


	7. smothering me

**Numb**

_I've become so numb I can't feel you there  
I've become so tired so much more aware  
I'm becoming this all I want to do  
Is be more like me and be less like you_

            Ellie shut the front door, pulled back the curtains, and watched Sean walk home. She breathed out slowly and turned around. There stood Judy in an unconcealed drunken state stumbling towards the front door. Her hair a disheveled mess, her eyes sunken and sallow, a bottle of vodka gripped tightly in her hand. Judy tripped over her feet and grabbed onto the bottom banister of the stairs, dropping her bottle of vodka and watching it shatter on the floor. "Look what you made me do," she slurred slipping towards the floor and fumbling her hands to collect the alcohol soaked pieces of glass. 

            Ellie was silent. She didn't know what to do. She watched as her mother picked up a large shard of glass and lick what she could of the vodka from it's surface. Ellie bent down, picked up her mother, and dragged her back to the couch. The entire time her mother struggled against her. The struggle ended in the living room where her mother collapsed on the couch and passed out. Ellie just bent down towards the floor, leaned her back against the side of the couch, and just stared at the wall across from her. She looked over towards the shattered vodka bottle, the shards glistening in the dim foyer light. Ellie crawled over and gently picked up the broken shards and held them in her hand and carried them cautiously to the kitchen garbage can where she brushed them into the trash. Suddenly she felt a tiny prick. Ellie looked down to see one of the shards had cut her hand. 

            The pain of the glass cutting the palm of her hand didn't even faze her as she walked upstairs and sat down on the floor of her room just staring at her bleeding hand. "_You shouldn't let the cuts go uncleaned_" a voice muttered in her head. Ellie forced herself into the bathroom, fumbled through the medicine cabinet for some hydrogen peroxide, and poured it on her hand, watching it bubble and felt it sting as it cleaned out the cut. She wrapped it up gently in a soft clean bandage and quietly walked back to her room and changed into some sweats for bed. Ellie grabbed her portable CD player and slipped the headphones over her ears, climbing into bed. Pressing play she drowned her thoughts into the sounds of Chevelle, _Send the Pain Below._ Rolling on her side as she slipped between the covers she hugged her pillow tight as she mouthed the words to the song as she fell asleep, "_I like having hurt, So send the pain below where I need it, You used to beg me to take care of things,  
And smile at the thought of me failing. But long before, having hurt, I'd send the pain below, I'd send the pain below._"

~*~^~*~

            Sean drove his hands deep into his pockets, and gently began to finger the outline of the CD Ellie had allowed him to borrow. _JamisonParker_ he'd never heard of those guys. But they had some powerful lyrics. It has always been powerful lyrics that would grab his attention. Lyrics that held emotion and a great story were what he was drawn too. Nas, Eminem, Tupac, Biggie; they all had as story to tell, and the way they told their stories appealed to him. Then he was introduced to Linkin Park, a mix of rap and metal, and he was just dumbfounded. He listened to Jamison Parker all night and was just amazed by how much emotion could be thrown into a song. He'd easily connected with _Biting Bullets_ but then he heard _Anthem for the Broken Hearted_ and fell in love. It was so deep and gut-retching real, and he knew exactly how it felt. 

            His eye perked up as he saw Ellie walking to school, clutching her binder close to her chest as her book bag flopped as she walked. Sean grabbed the belt loops of his pants and held them up as he ran to catch up with her. "El!" he called out but she just turned her head and looked at him with her tired eyes. "Ellie?" he asked concerned as he caught up with her and placed his hand on her shoulder. " You okay?" 

            Ellie shrugged; " suffered from a case of insomnia last night" she muttered yawning and covering her mouth with her bandaged hand. Sean eye's bugged in concern as she gently stopped her and grabbed her hand. 

            "What happened?" he asked.

            "Mom dropped a bottle and I cleaned it up, no big deal." she answered truthfully.

            " Good" he said sweetly and brought her bandaged hand up to his mouth and gently kissed it, " all better now?" he asked smirking.

            Ellie laughed and pushed him away jokingly. " Yea, much better," she said rolling her eyes and walking into the school.

~*~^~*~

            "Hey Ash" Paige called as she stepped out of Dylan's car and caught up with the young girl. 

            " Yea Paige?" Ashley asked as she fixed her short choppy hair.

            " Look at Ellie" Paige pointed out as she saw the petite redhead walking with...

            " Is that Sean Cameron?" Ashley asked.

            " I think so" 

            " Did he just..." 

            " Kiss her hand..."

            " Is her hand...bandaged?" Ashley asked concerned. 

            " Looks like it" Paige answered. 

            The two girls were never fully back on a full friendship license but they've been bonding since Paige's rape, and with Paige's recent concern for Ellie. They'd both been looking out of the petite girl every chance they get. Although they thought they were helping, they were just smothering her. 

            " Maybe we should talk to her about it..." Ashley suggested.

            " ...And tell her how hanging out with Sean can ruin her rep" Paige said applying a layer of pink lip gloss to her lips. Ashley rolled her eyes and made her way over to Ellie.

            " Hey Ellie" Ashley said smiling.

            " Hey Ash" Ellie responded and smiled a goodbye to Sean. 

            " So how are you?" 

            " Fine" Ellie answered.

            " What happened to your hand?" 

            Ellie bit her tongue to keep from lashing out. She admitted to herself that Ashley was just a concerned friend looking out for her. On the other side, Ashley won't believe the answer whether it's the truth or not. 

            " it was an accident, my mom dropped a bottle and I cleaned it up, no biggie" Ellie answered.

            " Okay" Ashley answered, not believing a word of it. " Hey there's Craig, I'll see you at lunch, okay?" 

            " Sure..." Ellie said rolling her eyes, and watched as Ashley ran over to Craig and jumped into his arms, kissing him on the lips. Ellie began to walk down the hall of Degrassi High when she felt hands clasp themselves over her eyes from behind. Ellie smiled as she heard a familiar voice, " Guess who!" 

            " Um, could it be Mr. Marco del Rossi?" Ellie asked smiling. Marco dropped his hands and frowned.

            " You're no fun El" 

            " Oh I know, I just drain the fun out of everything, that's my job" Ellie said laughing to herself. 

            " You finish your geometry homework?" Marco asked as they stopped in front of her locker. 

            " yea, had to get a bit of help though" she said smiling.

            " ooh I know that smile...who did you get help from?" Marco asked nudging her with his elbow playfully as she put her binder into her locker.

            " just someone" Ellie answered trying to stray away from the topic.

            " fine, but I better get details later" he said smiling and walking down the hall. 

~*~^~*~

"We missed you last night Cameron" Jay said leaning next to Sean's locker. Sean closed his locker and looked at Jay.

" I told you I had to study, I would try to get away if I could." 

" Fine, but..."

" But what?"

" Saturday...my house...be there" Jay answered straight forward.

" I'll see what I can do" Sean said trying to slowly break himself away from Jay and his gang, for his own good. Sean felt Jay slam him into the locker. 

" Look Cameron, we let you in...that takes a lot, when you're in with us, we expect you to be there, understand?" Jay said fiercely into Sean's ear.

" loud and clear" Sean said pushing him away.

" Saturday?" 

" I'll be there" Sean answered tightening the strap of his book bag and stalking off to shop class. 

            As he walked down the hall he bumped into Ellie and felt her slip something into his pocket. He smiled politely, kept going as she kept going on her way. When he got to his shop class he dropped his book bag off at his cubby, reached into his pocket, pulled out a piece of paper, and unfolded it.

            _Sean-_

_            Thank You..._

_            Ellie_

            Sean folded up the note, slipped it back into his pocket, grabbed his work gloves and goggles, and got straight to work on his project. _Thank You. Thank You. Thank You. Thank You. Thank You. Thank You._ Sean couldn't seem to concentrate on his work and nearly soldered his belt to the carburetor. Sean set down the soldering gun and slipped back his goggles. No one had ever said _Thank You_ to him like that. He had barely done anything. 

A/N: Ouch, wow, it's been awhile. I guess I got completely wrapped up in the holiday season. I hope everyone has had a great holiday so far, and that you all have a wonderful New Year's.  I don't know if this is short or not, I think it's a decent length. I think I could do better but I've been pretty tired lately, and I'm kinda pissed off with my dad saying I look "sickly" it's dumb...*shrugs* I dunno...

**Quick Thanks to: InFaTuAtEd*cHiK, brokenglass, and Ellectra**

**eyes of a child: **I know...I was totally listening to JamisonParker _Biting Bullets_ and I heard the bit about hating blondes and I was like, omg! I have to throw that in there. It's a great song. they have a lot of good stuff. 

**trucalifornian: **oh, I didn't make them up...I just figured that Ellie wouldn't be one to listen to mainstream music, and where I'm from it's all about the scene and local/non-mainstream hardcore music. I thought Ellie's personality really fit the hardcore scene. From Autumn to Ashes are really popular here, and JamisonParker, I stumbled upon them thanks to my friend Damian, who had their lyrics in his profile. I have a lot more music I could throw into future chapters, depends on the moods of the characters and such...

**Scimitar Nyx: **I passed on the message to Arthur and he blushed. He's a sweetheart. I'm glad you have an Arthur named Cody, he sounds like he's a sack of cool beans. Arthur didn't get me writing either, I've been doing this for a while. It was just I started writing this story and Arthur made me post it and keep it going. Arthur actually saw I had cut my my ankle, and was like: _What idiot tries to cut off their foot_! and I just started laughing. It's a character. I think he's coming over tomorrow or Thursday I can't remember. We are supposed to watch movies cause he felt pretty horrible about not being here physically for me, and I told him it was nonsense. Yea I'm babbling....

**scarred: **it's not at all easy to explain it...but I seem to be doing a good job by the way the reviews are coming in. The only thing I can't seem to figure out is why Ellie, and even myself started...in fact it was the last thing I wanted to do, but then boom, I started and it felt just soo right, and then I couldn't stop...and then I stopped thanks to my Knight in a Green sweater (Arthur) and then this year it got out of control again, but the Knight stepped up to the challenge. It's such a bitch ain't it?


	8. bloody nails

Numb 

_You got lost for a while  
You've been trying to find a smile  
You got stood up then you fell down  
And when you needed, there was no one around _

Walking into the cafeteria Sean continued to finger the case of the CD Ellie had leant him deep in his pocket. He found her sitting in her usual seat, staring at her lumpy school lunch, poking it with her fork, and just making designs in her food. Sean laughed to himself, slid into the seat across from her, and dropped her CD gently on the tabletop. Ellie looked up, " Thanks," she muttered. 

            " Not hungry?" Sean asked. 

            Ellie pushed the tray away, " not hungry enough to eat this." Sean laughed. " Did you want something?" 

            " Actually, pay back for helping you, I have an English paper for Kwan due next week and---"

            " I'm not writing you a paper Sean" 

            " Hold up...I wasn't going to ask you to...I was just going to ask you if you could help me out." 

            Ellie sighed, " what kind of paper?" 

            Sean smiled, " it's really so much a paper, it's more like a little Shakespeare sorta project" Ellie looked at him with an incomprehensible look on her face. " We have to write a modern set play based on one of Shakespeare's plays." 

            " That's not so hard" 

            Sean rolled his eyes. " And Geometry is so easy for you Miss Nash" 

            Ellie frowned, " place and time?" 

            Sean smirked, " tomorrow 8PM, my place" 

            " Sounds like fun" she muttered. 

            " Hey Ells" Marco said slipping into the seat next to her, " hey Sean" 

            " Del Rossi..." Sean said softly and then stood up, " don't forget" 

            " I won't" Ellie responded and watched him walk over towards Jay and Towerz. 

            " Won't forget what?" Marco asked grinning.

            " Helping him study" Ellie responded.

            " Like a study date?" 

            " No...Like me helping him with his English project" she said blandly. 

            " Sorry I asked..." 

~*~^~*~

            " Did you manage to talk to Ellie about her hand?" Paige asked Ashley as they stood in the bathroom, Paige fixing her hair. 

            " Yea, she said her mom dropped a bottle and she cleaned it up, that's it" Ashley said as she slipped off the counter and picked up her bag. 

            " And you believed her?" 

            Ashley shrugged. 

            " I think I should go talk to Miss Sauve" 

            " Maybe you should talk to Ellie, I'm sure Miss Sauve would know more than you Paige." 

            Paige rolled her eyes as Ashley walked out of the bathroom to lunch. Paige fixed her lip-gloss, smoothed her hair, and made her way to lunch, fashionably late. She slid into her seat next to Spinner and watched Ashley sit down across from Ellie and then Craig stumbled into the picture and wraps his arm around the brunette. Paige seemed to notice that Ellie seemed distant from everyone during lunch, just staring at her food, not once taking a bite. 

~*~^~*~

" I saw you talking to Sean today...what was that about" Ashley asked as she opened a can of soda. Craig's attention perked up at the mention of Sean's name and the tone in which Ashley had said his name.

" Why do you make it sound like a bad thing Ash?" Craig asked.

            Ashley turned to Craig and began to ramble on about how Sean's been hanging out with the wrong crowd lately and he's becoming such a _bad kid**. **_All Ellie could do is watch Craig and Ashley banter back and forth about what Sean was like. All she knew was that Sean seemed to understand her, and trusted her word unlike the people she thought were her friends. She knew deep down Ashley didn't believe her about the cut being an accident. Ellie looked over at Marco, who was gazing off dreamily at Dylan. She no longer even acknowledged Ashley's question and picked up her tray, dumping it in the garbage and leaving the cafeteria. Ashley, Craig, and Marco hadn't even noticed her absence. Then again, the only two people that noticed had been Paige and Sean.  

_Then again, the only one who followed had been Sean._

~*~^~*~

            Ellie found the only quiet place in the school. It also happened to be the most empty at the time. The Library. Ellie slid down her back to the section on Ancient Greeks. Ellie pulled back her long sleeves and looked down at her scabbed and scared arms and just scratched at the at the old wounds. Digging deeper with her nails she brought new blood to the surface of her pale skin. It was a release for the moment. In a few moments, her arm would be inflamed in pain, but it didn't matter for the masochist. Pain was good. Pain brought the pleasurable release; it wiped away every ounce of stress, everything worth crying over. She leaned her head back against the bookshelves and just felt a wash of relief span over her body, and then, a blue bandana fell into her lap. 

            " Hi Sean" Ellie muttered without even needing to look up.

            " Hi Ellie" Sean said squatting down in front of the redhead. He pulled his bandana from her lap and wrapped it gently over her re-opened cuts to stop the bleeding. " You okay?" he asked. 

            " Now I am." she said looking down at her arm, and at the small specks of blood gather under her fingernails. 

            " Wanna get out of here?" he asked. 

            Ellie nodded. If she stayed any longer, in a place that suffocated her with people obsessed with her problems rather than their own, she would most likely cut off her arm, or so she thought. Ellie took Sean's arm and he lifted her off the ground. They left the library, and they left the school. Not one person noticing they're absence, not even Mr. Raditch. 

~*~^~*~

            Sean unlocked his front door and led Ellie inside. It was a bit messier since the last time she was there. She dropped her bag on the floor by the door and followed Sean into the kitchen where she remembered Tracker cleaning up her arm. She sat down at the table and the same scene reacted itself only this time instead of Tracker it was Sean's gently touch tracing her cuts with a cotton ball and fixing up her arm.

A/N: OMG, I'm sorry that it's so short. I just haven't had a lot of time to write lately. Homework, Work, and some added confusion with a friend of mine. Ah, too much drama. Oh! and the new lyrics at the top...is by Butch Walker and it's called _Take Tomorrow One Day at a Time_

**Quick Thanks to: Different, emmaandseanfan, LiL SnoopY, Ellectra, bookdragon14, Hyper_Sloth, trucalifornian, Tragedy, Poppyseed, ****sayinjinj7, phred doesn't like you, OrliRoxMySox, DrummerforNoExit, Sarah, EvenAngelsFall22, and MsZoid.**

**The Anonymous Compass: **I know how that is, one of my friends was doing it, and I didn't understand why, and then one day I just got desperate and tried it, it seemed to help a bit. I don't know so much anymore. Don't worry about not reviewing the last chapter, I'm not going to kill you or anything...yet....j/king

**RasberryGirl: **thanks a lot for the compliment. I hope they turn out better than this. I really want to see how they throw the two together and mesh them. I wanna see Sean's reaction to her problems, and her to his problems on the screen, because it can't be easy.

**Scimitar Nyx:** if Cody is Lebanese and totally heavy metal, then they could be twins. I babble so often. Arthur says he loves all my reviewers cause they are nice. But he loves me more. what a softy...

**eyes of a child:** they are so hard to find. I see Sean doing those types of things, I mean I could have imagined him doing it with Emma. He has a softy side. He always has, they just don't bring it out as often as they could on the show. 

**scarred: **don't worry you'll figure yourself out, and you'll find away to stop, you'll end up falling backwards a few times, but sometimes you gotta move ahead by taking two steps back and three steps forward. 

**Unwanted Souless Freak**: I lived on getting hurt when I was little, I loved to pick apart my scabs because they were so ugly, I loved blood. Then again I'm was a creepy little kid

**Kat**: no comment...you know me


	9. anchor

**Numb**

_You loved the previews, and hate the movie  
You scream at the screen, "something move me"  
Before you start to fade away_

          Sean gently wrapped Ellie's arm in light gauze and tugged her sleeves back down her arms, patting them lightly. "All better?" Sean asked. Ellie nodded. " You okay? What happened?" Sean asked. Ellie dropped her head on the table. 

          " Do we have to talk about this now?" she asked, " I mean we skipped school, can't we do something a little less on edge?" 

          Sean smiled and fell into the living room. Ellie raised an eyebrow and followed. Sean collapsed back on the couch, kicked his feet up on the coffee table, and clicked on the remote. 

          " TV?" Ellie muttered as she fell onto the couch beside him. 

          Sean shrugged, " do you have a better idea?" 

          Ellie sighed, " do you have any movies or anything?" 

          Sean pointed lazily to the scattered pile of Tracker's DVDs and tuned back into the glow of the television. Ellie squatted down over the pile of DVDs and flipped through them. _Bad Boys, Lord of the Rings: the Fellowship of the Ring, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, SLC:Pu--,_ "nk, SLC: Punk?!" Ellie exclaimed excitedly and jumped to her feet. Sean looked up and tried to stifle a laugh. Ellie rushed over to Sean and waved the DVD case in his face, "the **_best_** movie to ever grace the screen." Her eyes were so glossy and alive; it amazed Sean that something like that could make her smile. And it was a beautiful smile.

          " Put it in" Sean muttered. 

          Ellie smiled brighter, popped the DVD into the player, jumped up onto the couch excitedly, curled her knees up to her chest, rested her hands on the tops of her knees, and smiled as the screen darkened and the FBI warning flashed across. 

          Sean looked over at the redhead and smiled. He watched as her posy pink lips curled up in a smile as Steveo and Bob graced the screen of the television with their presence. 

~*~

"Craig, are you okay? You seem a bit distant tonight." Ashley asked as she sat up on the couch. Craig looked at Ashley. He didn't feel distant he felt completely guilty. Had Ashley known what happened after Paige's surprise party she would never have wanted to get back together with him? 

" I'm fine" he lied.

" I don't think you are, you can talk to me Craig" 

" I'm fine" he repeated. 

Ashley looked at him wearily. She didn't believe him. Then again, she didn't believe Ellie. Maybe she needed to learn to be more trusting. She smiled and grabbed the collar of Craig's shirt and pulled him in close. "Good," she said pressing their lips together. The broke apart for a moment, " cause I'd feel bad if I just kept..." and she kissed him, " kissing you" and again, " over and over" and again, " if something was wrong." 

Craig laughed. He normally didn't see Ashley like this, but somehow he enjoyed her taking the lead, it almost reminded him of..._Manny_. Craig pushed his thoughts of the girl he once considered to remind him of his five-year-old half-sister out of his mind and concentrated solely on Ashley. He was going to avoid the situation for as long as possible. Ashley leaned back on the seats of the couch, wrapped her arm around Craig's neck, and smiled as they closed the space between them, until she felt her pants vibrate and a familiar cell phone ring break the silence. Craig pushed himself up and Ashley dug into her pants pocket and pulled out her cell phone. 

" Hello?" Ashley asked trying to sound less disappointed than she felt.

"Ash, it's Paige" 

" What do you want Paige?" 

" Have you seen Ellie since school ended?" 

" No, but I'm sure she's fine."

" How do you know?" 

" Because I think maybe we should trust her"

Ashley could hear Paige huff over the phone. Silence fell between the two until Ashley picked up the conversation in hopes of ending in quickly. " I think you should try and give Ellie some space, it's like you've become obsessed with her well-being."

" Hon...I'm just trying to help her." 

" Sometimes not everyone wants help, or needs it, you're not wonder-woman" 

" But pretty damn close" Paige said and hung up the phone. 

Ashley rolled her eyes and turned off her phone and grabbed Craig's shirt collar again, " where were we?" she asked softly and fell back onto the couch. 

~*~^~*~

Tracker fiddled with the keys in the lock and stumbled into the house noisily. He dropped his coat on the banister, slipped off his shoes, and headed towards the kitchen. As he walked through the living room, he noticed the television blared with the root menu for _SLC: Punk_. He looked down on the couch and noticed leaning on his elbow, he head resting in the palm of his hand. His other arm wrapped around Ellie as she rested her head on his chest. Tracker couldn't help but smile. They were completely sound asleep. 

Tracker continued into the kitchen and noticed the medical supplies were scattered across the table and sighed. 

_Sitting alone up in his room listening to the constant bantering and bickering between his parents just hurt him more. Tracker undid a safety pin from his pants and forcefully jabbed it into his arm, dragging it across so it bled more. He breathed a sigh of relief as the blood gently oozed from his new cut. _

Tracker snapped out of it, cleared the table, and began to start a pot of water on the stove. He threw a bit of hamburger meat into a frying pan and turned up the heat. As the water boiled in the pot and the meat browned in the pan Tracker sat at the kitchen table staring at his arm. The scars were barely visible but he could still remember each one. He never regretted cutting himself. He just always wished he had found a better way of dealing with everything. Before long he was sure, the smoke detector was going off and quickly stirred the meat in the pan. He added sauce to the meat, and added spaghetti to the water. 

What more could a guy his age make besides everyone's favorite Italian meal of spaghetti with meat sauce. He set the table for three, threw together a salad, and finished the meal. Tracker wondered into the living room and gently woke up Ellie and Sean. " Dinner you two." 

Ellie yawned and stretched her arms up over her head as Sean rubbed his eyes. Ellie and Sean stumbled into the bright light of the kitchen and fell down at the table. Sean laughed.

" Tracker actually made dinner" Sean said laughing, " I'm sure the pizzeria is calling asking if we are still alive."

Tracker let out a small chuckled, grabbed some sodas from the fridge, and sat down. "Nice to see you again Ellie."

Ellie smiled politely.

Dinner was quiet.

Tracker didn't want to mention the medical supplies spilled across the table for his sake, and for Ellie's. He knew all to well that sometimes it was just better not to talk about something; he didn't want a relapse from Ellie. He was almost positive she wasn't cutting, at the moment. He could tell just by the way she was emulating her aura. He could tell by the pained look in her eyes that she wanted to, but something was holding her back. Perhaps Sean would be a good influence on her, and her on him. 

" thanks for dinner Tracker, but I really need to head home now" Ellie said standing up and walking to grab her things. 

" I'll walk you home" Sean said jumping up and grabbing his hoodie off the couch.

Tracker rolled his eyes and cleared the table as he watched Sean and Ellie head out the door.

It was freezing out, and had started to flurry. Ellie wrapped her arms around herself tightly to keep warm and shivered as she felt Sean gently wrap an arm around her to warm her up.

"T-t-t-hank" she shivered.

" No problem" Sean said.

" I mean for everything" Ellie said slowing down her walk. " Even though we've only been hanging out for a few weeks you've really become my shoulder." Sean blushed in the dark as Ellie turned to face him and pulled him into a hug. Sean hugged her back and finished walking her home. 

"Goodnight Ellie" Sean whispered, giving her one last hug before she walked into her house.

" Goodnight Sean" she said smiling and hugging him tightly, not wanting to let him go, she needed him. Sean had become Ellie's rock. Her anchor. 

Ellie closed the door tightly and walked up to her room, not bothering to check on her mother's drunken state. She dropped her school things on the floor and hadn't even thought of doing her homework. She changed into some baggy pajama pants and threw on a loose tee-shirt and climbed into bed with her CD player. This time she pulled out a CD she hadn't listened to in a while. She slowly fell asleep as she listened to the soothing lyrics:

_I stand with a blank expression now  
and I can't believe myself  
will someone tell me how  
did I get here  
I am walking  
changing slowly  
I am chasing  
climbing closer  
  
I know that I'll never be alone  
you will never let me go  
you are my anchor  
hold my hand   
while I'm sinking in the sand  
no one else could understand  
you are my anchor  
  
it seems that I lost track of time  
and I can't believe my mind  
would you save me if  
I reached out to you  
I'm waiting, watching, standing  
I am reaching  
climbing closer  
  
I know that I'll never be alone  
you will never let me go  
you are my anchor  
hold my hand   
while I'm sinking in the sand  
no one else could understand  
you are my anchor yeah  
anchor yeah  
anchor yeah  
  
I am walking  
changing slowly  
I am chasing  
climbing closer  
  
I know that I'll never be alone  
you will never let me go  
you are my anchor  
hold my hand   
while I'm sinking in the sand  
no one else could understand  
you are my anchor yeah  
anchor yeah  
anchor yeah  
  
can you hear me  
hear me  
can you hear me_

**A/N: Sorrrrrrrry it took so crazily long for me to get this up. Midterms were kicking my ass to no end, and I lost my privelages for school, which meant I wasn't able to leave school for lunch and I get thrown in a rescricted study hall, which blows a lot! But I get them back when reportcards come out. the song above is _Anchor_ by Lifehouse, it's off their second album: Stanley Climbfall.**

**Quick Thanks to : EvenAngelsFall22, Different, trucalifornian, Trapped*In*A*BoxX, LiL SnoopY, ****sayinjinj7, Ellectra, Poppyseed, bookdragon14, Cho9, Am I Missing, SktzoStylz, darkstorm5000, dark gothic rogue, brokenglass, and BaLLin BaBi GrL **

**ScimitarNyx: It would be totally awesome if they were twins...I couldn't even imagine two Arthur's.**

**Unwanted Souless Freak: I was a crazy little girl, I loved to pick scabs...maybe I'm just weird. Ash I think just wants to be happy, and she's doing everything to avoid getting hurt again and is just trying to focus on that, I mean I guess Ashley is doomed to be unhappy, look how things turned out with Craig...*shakes head***

scarred: don't rush yourself to feel better, because you'll only come tumbling down faster, I wish I had a Sean...but I have an Arthur...


	10. holidays around the corner

**Numb**

_Give me all your fear, throw it away  
Think about the good things, no matter what they say  
We'll take tomorrow baby  
One day at a time_

"Hey Hon!" Paige squealed excitedly as she rushed up to Ellie in the hall and grabbed her arm. Ellie sighed heavily as she felt Paige catch up with her. Ellie stopped and spun around, plastering a smiling face on for the 'Spirit Princess'

" Hey Paige, how can I help you?" she drawled. 

" I just wanted to know how you were doing?" 

" I'm fine Paige, can I go to class now? Or do I have to check in with you first?" Ellie asked shifting her binder and books in her arms. Paige's smile fell as Ellie struggled to make it down the hall. 

" Ellie I'm only trying to help" Paige said frowning.

Ellie sighed, feeling absolutely horrible for being so nasty towards Paige, "_She's only trying to help." _Ellie insisted to herself. " Look Paige, I'm sorry, I really appreciate that you're trying to help, but I'm doing fine." 

Paige watched Ellie shift uncomfortably under her gaze. She was very skeptical of Ellie's words. Her eyes traveled down to Ellie's long sleeves. The hallway was slowly becoming empty and Paige grabbed Ellie and dragged her into the nearest girls' restroom. 

" Show me your arm" Paige said, almost in domineering tone.

Ellie looked completely taken aback. " Are you serious?" 

" Dead" Paige said. 

Ellie rolled her eyes and set her binder and books down on top of the sink counter, and rolled up her sleeves and bared her arm to Paige. They were nearly healed, especially after Sean had taken care of them the other night. There were no worries for Ellie in the least. Paige smiled and hugged Ellie. Ellie shifted in Paige's embrace and pushed her back. 

" Can I go to class now?" Ellie asked picking up her books. Paige nodded, and Ellie left the restroom and began walking towards her geometry class. Ellie was beginning to feel even more crowded by Paige's attention. It was the third time this week that she had been confronted by her, and frankly, Paige was acting like the mother Ellie should have. With the bell about to ring, Ellie sprinted down the hall and made it into the room, and into her seat under the gaze of Mr. Armstrong. She turned to her left and noticed Marco smiling at her. He slowly slipped her a small note. 

_Hey Els_

Ellie smiled, and scribbled a response.

                        _Hey Marco_

Ellie struggled to pay attention to Mr. Armstrong as he scribbled notes on the board and reading Marco's note.

_how are you doing? I saw Paige stop you in the hall...everything is okay right? I mean you look happy..._

Ellie sighed.

                        _I'm fine Marco, Paige is just being overly motherly towards me_

Marco looked relieved. 

                        _good._

Ellie almost laughed to herself.

                        _how are things with you and Dyl?_

Marco started to glow.

_couldn't be better, he invited me, just me to see him in a hockey match this weekend._

Ellie shook her head smiling.

                        _that's good._

Marco had a panicked look on his face.

                        _what am I going to wear!????_

Ellie turned to look at him and wanted to laugh. She slipped the note away, turned her attention towards the board, and began scribbling down some notes as they were written down on the board. 

Sean sat down in-between Towerz and Jay during lunch and rested his head hard against the table. He'd been out with 'the guys' most of the night and all of the weekend. He had to restrain himself from drinking too much. He didn't do so well and spent most of the weekend in Jay's bathroom throwing up. There was no way he could go home to Tracker in his condition so just crashed at Jay's house. At the moment, he was suffering from a major hangover. Being in school just didn't make his day any less stressful. He felt like shit, and looked it to, still dressed in his clothes from Friday, he looked miserable. 

He wasn't sure why. After all, he was hanging out with the people that understood him the most, wasn't he? He slipped on his headphones, pressed play on his CD player, and drifted in and out of sleep as he rested his head on the lunch table. He listened to the music and realized what CD it was, it was Ellie's and he still hadn't returned it. He smiled in his tired state, until he saw Mr. Raditch standing in front of him, his arms crossed sternly, and using a 'come hither' motion with his finger. Sean rolled his eyes, turned off his CD player, and followed Mr. Raditch.

Sean fell down into the seat he was so used to sitting in and slunk down in the seat as Mr. Raditch sat on the edge of his desk, frowning at the young man. " You've skipped three classes this week Sean" 

Sean just shrugged. 

" And you missed your detention with me from the last time we met." 

Sean just stared.

" What do you have to say?" 

" I forget?" he drawled.

"  Sean, that's unacceptable, you can't afford to fall behind anymore," Mr. Raditch looked down his notepad. " I believe you have a project due for Ms.Kwan soon, you might want to get started on it, or you might be spending another year in grade nine, Sean" 

" Whatever" Sean mumbled.

" Go back to lunch, do whatever it is you do, and don't get yourself in my office unless its for a compliment, I don't want to see you go downhill" 

Sean rolled his eyes and left Mr.Raditch's office in an angry mood. He really didn't feel like dealing with teachers and principals riding his ass about making it through the year. It just wasn't the top thing on his list of things to worry about. What was near the top was _Ellie_. He hadn't seen her all weekend; he hadn't seen her since she thanked him. He hadn't seen her since she hugged him, and he was dying to see her. Being with her was different from hanging out with Towerz and Jay and the gang. She was like a refreshing burst of reality. Towerz and Jay just spent their time stealing and getting wasted, like those were the good points in life. Ellie was an artist, and she was always concerned with the present, with the future, and just trying to live. It was like being with Jay and Towerz was giving up. 

He remembered feeling like his life was going downhill; Jay and Towerz just seemed to be on _his level_. They _got_ him. But then again so did...

"Ellie!" Sean called out as he noticed her walking out of the cafeteria. He watched her smile as she walked up to him. " How are you?" he asked. 

" Fine" she muttered as they walked together down the hall. 

" I haven't seen you in a while." 

" I just stayed home this weekend with my mom, she drank herself sick" Ellie said frowning. Sean nodded.

" How's the situation with your dad?" he asked.

" I got an email from him the other day, he might be coming home after the holidays." 

" That's great" 

" Yea, but I wish he could be here during the holidays, my mom is always worse during the holidays, with all the '_celebrating' _and what not." 

" If you want I'll come by and hang out with you" 

Ellie smiled, " that's nice of you, but I don't want to drown out your holiday with my problems" 

" I'll stop by with Tracker, we'll make a little party or something"

Ellie shook her head, "my mom---"

" Will probably be sane if there's company" Sean said as he remembered always hoping his friends were free to come over so his parents wouldn't drink in front of them.

Ellie gave in. Just looking into Sean's puppy dog eyes, she couldn't not say yes to Sean coming over for at least one day during break, in fact, she really needed a break from her mother drinking, especially during the holidays.

            " I'll see you over break then" Sean said. Ellie nodded as she watched Sean rush down the hall towards Ms. Kwan's classroom. He was actually going to a class. 

            " Els!" Marco called out as rushed down the hall with Dylan strolling up behind him. Ellie waited up for Marco and smiled as she noticed Dylan's presence as well. 

            " Hey Marco, Dylan" she said, watching as Dylan nodded as she acknowledged him. 

            " I saw you talking to Sean" Marco said, nudging her gently with his elbow.

            " And?" Ellie asked raising her eyebrows as she waited for a reasoning.

            " So, did he ask you out?" Marco quipped up.

            " Actually no, me and Sean aren't like that, we are just friends" Ellie said, lying more to herself than she was to Marco.

            " Oh really?" Dylan asked begging to differ.

            " Yes, really, he's been helping me a lot lately dealing with some..._stuff_"

            " More than just your geometry homework I bet..." Marco said smirking, " perhaps he's helping you with some sex-ed" 

            Ellie rolled her eyes, " bye guys" she chirped as she walked down the hall towards her last class of the day. 

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­

"Ellie, it's good to have you back with us" Caitlin Ryan said smiling as Ellie walked into the office. " You're the best little intern we've ever had, we were lost without you."

Ellie laughed, " I'm the only intern you've ever had."

Caitlin flushed red; " all the same, it's great to have such a bright young mind around here."

"Thanks for the break" Ellie said, " I really needed it."

" No problem" Caitlin said as she handed Ellie a binder and walking her to the small room down the hall Ellie had used as her own little office, " you know the drill."

Ellie smiled taking the binder and locking herself in the small room with a radio, quickly finished her work, and then started on her geometry homework with some time to spare, before she went home. Ellie walked into Caitlin's office, rested the binder on her desk, and turned to leave. 

" Ellie wait!" Caitlin called. 

" Yea?" Ellie responded turning around, adjusting her bag strap that hung on her shoulder loosely. 

" The station is wanting to appeal to the younger audience, do you have any ideas?" 

Ellie beamed, she was practically glowing, and "you really want my ideas?" 

Caitlin looked at her as if she were crazy, " of course, that was one of the reasons why we hired you, young minds these days are hard to tap into." 

" Well..." Ellie began, " why not do a show staring local kids, like a kids news type thing, for the kids, by the kids." 

Caitlin was silent for a moment as she thought. 

Ellie began to feel nervous as she waited for Caitlin's answer and response. 

" That..." she began, " is a great idea, I'll bring it up at the next meeting, if you have any free time, write me up a synopsis of the show and who our fresh faces could be." 

Ellie smiled brightly. " I'll get right on it." 

Ashley and Craig were completely consumed in each other as they made their way home from school. Their fingers were intertwined as they walked towards Ashley's home.

" You're still coming over for the tree-trimming party right." Craig asked as they stopped in front of her house.

" I wouldn't miss it for the world" she said kissing him on the cheek. Her kiss seemed to burn to him. He brushed it off thinking it was the cold, but as he left her front porch and began his trek home, he began to realize why he burned. Perhaps it was all the lying he was doing, the sneaking around behind her back that made her touch burn him. Deep down he felt he deserved. He walked into the garage and found Manny waiting for him on the couch. "_Thank God for no band practice_" he thought, a smile completely drawn across his face. 

" Hey" Manny said sweetly. 

It was all she ever needed to say to have Craig wrapped around her little finger. True in the past she was nothing more than a giggly little girl who reminded him of Angela. But now she was more like a goddess, her exotic complexion, voluptuous ebony curls, her beautiful brown eyes, not to mention her well toned body from cheerleading practice. Ever since the night of Paige's surprise party, she was more than just a girl; she was a young woman. 

" I thought you weren't coming over 'til later" Craig muttered. 

Manny shrugged, " Sully ditched me to go hang out with his friends, and you didn't have band practice...so I thought maybe you could use a little..._inspiration_" she said seductively. 

Craig smirked. " Exactly what was on my mind" he said slipping down on the couch next to Manny and pulling her on top of him, their lips practically infused. 

**A/N: Once again...sorry it took me so long. But I think I told you all in the beginning that I might have trouble keeping it coming quick. It's starting to slow down, I know, but I'm still writing...see ^^^... Well midterms are finally done, thank goodness, now all I'm waiting for is my report card to get out of restricted study hall. I passed physics...someone throw me a party! Meh...well that's all for this week kids...I'm tired, over and out.**

**Quick thanks to: musikchik, eyes of a child, Kaity, sayinjinj7, masti, BaLLin BaBi GrL, Am I Missing, bookdragon14, Ellectra, LiL SnoopY, darkstorm5000, Scimitar Nyx, and trucalifornian**

**Different: restricted is the worst...but I found a way out of it, and I just go to the writing lab and surf the net, it's better than sitting in silence. I still have to go down to the 12th grade office though, and have the principal sign my writing lab pass though. Such a pain...**

**poppyseed: I wish I added music to this chapter, just for you, but I couldn't think of anything, but I recommend for you: the Cooper Temple Clause, or Starsailor, anything by them is great. **

**This Chapter is dedicated to Arthur! *kiss * cause I said so! And Arthur luv, if you see this, I think you should leave me a review!!!!**


	11. the little black box

**Numb**

_You just stare in space  
You found love but it got erased   
On the road with all the stoplights  
And you're too afraid to turn wrong from right_

Ellie made it home before the sun rolled down under the horizon and as she bounded up the stairs, she found Sean sitting on her front porch with his book bag waiting. Waiting, it seemed, for her. Ellie smiled inside and out as she walked up to the door and slipped her key into the keyhole and looked at Sean. 

" You can still help me with my project right?" Sean asked. 

Ellie nodded and opened the door. As she stepped inside, with Sean not far behind, the stench of alcohol filled the foyer. Ellie's face scrunched up into a look of disgust and nausea as the odor overwhelmed her. She found her mother leaning against the wall, somewhere in between the living room and the foyer. Sitting against the wall, clothed in her red silk pajamas and her light blue terry cloth robe, she leaned back, swigging a swift gulp of vodka from its bottle. Her eyes were puffy and dark, as if she hadn't slept in days, and her hair was a greasy mess from her lack of bathing. "Eleanor" Judy said trying to stand. 

Ellie looked disgusted with her mother. She wished she could push Sean out the door, she didn't want him to see her mother, she didn't want him to deal with her problems. Ellie spun around quick and began to shoo Sean towards the door, " maybe we should do this another time" Ellie said sadly. 

" We can't...I mean...I can't Sean said, it's due next week, I have tonight, the weekend, and Monday to do it" 

Ellie sighed. 

" Please, Ellie, it's alright, you know my parents were just as bad, this isn't a problem you don't need to shelter me from this" 

Ellie bit her lip. She could feel the tears welling up in her eyes, but she pushed them to the back of her mind and walked over to her mother and looked at Sean pitifully, " Can you just...help me get her to the couch?" 

Sean nodded and set down his things and joined Ellie on the other side of Judy and helped to lift her to her feet. Judy stumbled with the help of Ellie and Sean as they guided her to the couch. She fell back on the couch and grabbed her head with her free hand as she gripped the vodka bottle tightly in the other. Judy slowly closed her eyes and opened them again weakly as she noticed Ellie's hand reach for the bottle in an attempt to pry it from her hands. Judy held on tight, pulled the bottle into her chest, and coddled it against her breasts. 

Sean gently grabbed Ellie's arm and gave her a pleading look. "El... just let her go, you can take care of it later, she's not going anywhere." 

_"She's not going anywhere Sean" Tracker said leading him upstairs. _

_"She's not movin' Track" Sean muttered as he let Tracker guide his tired ten-year-old body up the stairs. _

_" She'll be fine Sean, I promise" _

_" What about Dad?" _

_Tracker looked down, smiled at the naive boy, and picked him up, slinging him over his shoulder and racing up the stairs. What was Tracker going to say? 'Dad's out at a bar getting wasted and probably isn't comin' home?' Tracker's smile disappeared as he threw Sean onto his bed and began tickling him to tears. _

_"Get ready for bed" Tracker said and left him to head into the bathroom. When he finally emerged, again Tracker was wearing long sleeves and looked utterly depressed. He didn't say a word. Sean sat on his bed in a pair of dark blue plaid pajama pants and a gray tee shirt._

_"Hey Track!" Sean said excitedly. "Track?" he repeated after his brother didn't respond. _

_Tracker looked up and smiled a small bit, "yea Sean?" _

_" If mom doesn't wake up, whose gunna pack our lunches?" _

_" I'll pack our lunches...now go to sleep" Tracker said laughing, throwing a pillow at his little brother as he stared at the ceiling. _

_" G'night Tracker" Sean said sleepily and rolled over under the covers. _

_" 'night Sean, I love you" Tracker said, the last three words, barely above a whisper. _

_"She's not going anywhere..."_

_"She's not going anywhere..." _

_"She's not going anywhere..."_

Ellie hung her head slightly and silently agreed with Sean and they headed up to Ellie's room and began work on his project. 

Hours later Ellie's hardwood floor was littered with notes, book marked pages, and pens. Ellie and Sean, exhausted from work, were lying on their backs staring at Ellie's ceiling. It had been painted black and was beset with tiny glow in the dark stars. 

" It's not like the real thing" Ellie said, "But it works" 

Sean laughed. 

Ellie rolled her head towards Sean and smiled. He looked over and yawned, stretching his hands up into the air and down behind his head. "It's getting late," he said softly, " maybe I should get going." 

Ellie sighed, she didn't want him to leave, but I guess she didn't have a choice. " Yea, I'll see you tomorrow in school and maybe this weekend, and we can finish your project." 

Sean agreed and began to pack up his notebooks and slung his book bag over his shoulder and let himself out. As he passed through the foyer, he looked into the living room and noticed Ellie's mother, now passed out cold on the couch. 

_"Mom! wake up!" Sean said nudging his mother as she lay on the couch. _

_His mother moaned and rolled away from her young son; refusing to be the mother he truly needed at this moment. Sean gave up in frustration and walked into the kitchen to make his own breakfast. He spilled the cereal into the bowl and began the search for some milk in the refrigerator. He found none. _

_" Beer, beer, beer, oh...and cheese" Sean muttered allowed. 'What a breakfast' he thought to himself, rolling his eyes. _

_"Hey little man" Tracker said walking into the kitchen and rubbing Sean's hair with his knuckles. _

_Sean looked up and frowned. _

_"Why the long face?" _

_Sean opened the refrigerator wider so Tracker could look inside. Tracker sighed heavily. "Come on, we'll grab something on the way to school." Sean smiled and grabbed his book bag as he followed Tracker out the door and began their walk towards school, making a stop at the gas station for some breakfast burritos. _

Sean opened the door; blank faced and walked out of Ellie's house. Ellie watched from her bedroom window as Sean began to walk home in the dark. As he drifted out of view Ellie fell back onto the floor and her smile faded. Here she was, alone in her room, her mother passed out drunk downstairs, and the only person who seemed to understand her at the moment had just gone home. She crawled over to her bed and reached underneath, pulling out a box. It was a simple, wooden, black box. She lifted the lid carefully and looked inside. Safety pins, needles, box-cutters, razor blade replacements, and a small pocketknife. She'd been collecting them for sometime now, since the third cut she made into her arm. She collected them for comfort, and maybe perhaps incase. She had control over her emotions, she had control over her pain, if she wanted to, she could cut right now, as deep or as shallow as she wanted. But she didn't. She couldn't go to school the next day with cuts on her arms, she had an appointment with Sauve. 

~*~*~*~

" 'You're doing better, Ellie' she said, 'I'm proud of you Ellie' she said" Ellie said aloud to herself as she walked out of Degrassi Community School after her appointment with Ms. Sauve. " That women just..." Ellie got frustrated and walked towards Caitlin Ryan's office for her after school meeting with Caitlin and her team for the new ideas. 

Things were going amazing at the Co-Op job. Ellie had an amazing abundance of ideas for stories and Caitlin saw a lot of talent in the young intern. This happened to be the only thing that Ellie held close to her heart, next to her father. This Co-Op job was the stepping-stone for Ellie into the movie business. She'd been daydreaming loads about winning an _Oscar_ or a _Sundance Film Festival Award. _

Ellie smiled as she walked into the conference room and set down her binder as she fell into a chair next to Caitlin.

"Ladies and Gentleman, I'd like to introduce you to Ellie Nash, our little intern, and the head of our newest show down here at the station, as soon as she sells us the idea." 

Ellie smiled brighter. 

"Take it away, Ellie" Caitlin said. 

Ellie stood up, she was completely nervous, more so than her interview with Caitlin, weeks earlier. Her palms became so sweaty and her bottom jaw began to quiver as she became apprehensive. 

"W-w-well...w-w-we...er...I came up with t-t-this idea..." Ellie was stumbling over her words and took a moment to catch her breath. " For kids, by the kids." 

A few of the team members looked confused, but Caitlin was glowing and egged her on. "We create a news show for kids, starring kids, reported by kids...You'd be getting several more ratings, and kids would be getting the news, and kids would be getting interested in something other than cheesy mainstream television and they'd be getting the story from people they'd trust, their peers, their views on them."

Everyone looked a bit more interested as Ellie smiled, taking a deep breath and finally relaxing. Everyone looked interested, but no one said anything. They sat in silence for a few moments before the head of the station smiled. 

" I love it!" he said excitedly. 

Ellie smiled. 

She smiled the largest smile she has produced in a while. 

~*~*~*~

"Hey Cameron" Jay said as Sean met up with the gang after school at Jay's place. Like usual it was void of any parental units. It was more than just Jay and Towerz. Tonight Alex, Jules and a few of their friends had joined the party. 

Alcohol was in abundance. The house was pretty much hazy with smoke as Jay and almost everyone lit up anything that could be smoke. Everyone, but Sean. Alcoholism ran enough in his family, he didn't want to add cancer-sticks to the list of problems.

" So Cameron, where yaaaaa been lately?" Jules asked slapping her arm across his shoulders, slurring her speech as she drank up from her plastic red cup. Sean couldn't look into her eyes, he just watched as her beer sloshed back and forth in the red cup. Just back and forth. It was hypnotizing him. _Control_. He needed to stay in control. Sean broke away from Jules, fell back onto the couch, kicked his feet up on the coffee table, and just laid back. He tried his best to ignore everything going on. 

Jules fell down on the couch next to Sean. "I've been missing you" she said touching his nose gently and then giggling. Sean rolled his eyes. " Have you missed me Sean?" 

He didn't say anything. 

" Have you missed this?" she asked whispering into his ear, and gently nibbling on his earlobe. Sean tried to push her away but she straddled his lap and chugged the last of her drink and tossed the cup aside. Her long brown hair resting over her shoulders and on her taunt, tight, black top. Sean rolled his eyes once more at her cheap seduction tricks. Jules gently ran her fingers up and down on his chest and lowered her head and moved into kiss him when he picked her up around her tiny waist and set her down on the couch as he stood. 

"No Jules" 

Jules pouted and crossed her arms. " You're no –**hiccup**- fun"

" or maybe I just don't like to make-out with random girls"

" I'm no –**hiccup**- random" 

" no but this situation is" 

" come –**hiccup**- on –**hiccup**- Sean...you enjoyed this –**hiccup**- last time" 

"that was last time" Sean argued. 

"Cameron, what's goin' on?" Jay asked walking into the conversation. 

" he –**hiccup**-" Jules didn't even finish the sentence because her eyes started to water and she rushed off to the bathroom.

" way to go Cameron" Jay said laughing, " what did you do? kiss the girl, make her cry?"

Sean's face boiled with anger and he just spun on his heels and left. Not just the room, he left Jay's house. At this point he didn't even care that it was after curfew. At least he didn't care until a police car pulled up along side him on the street as he walked home.  He hadn't cared until the he was sitting at the station waiting for Tracker to come pick him up. 

"Sean!" Tracker said worried, but somehow angry at the same time. "What the hell were you thinking?" Tracker paced back and forth inside the station. 

" I was thinking I'm going to leave Tracker's booze party before something happened." Sean said calmly. He wasn't in the mood for arguing, he just wanted to go home and sleep. Tracker's face calmed down, he looked almost proud of his little brother. 

" I wasn't doing anything wrong, I was just walking home after curfew and got picked up, I swear" 

"Alright kiddo, let's go home" Tracker said, swinging an arm around Sean's shoulder. 

_"Let's go kiddo" Tracker said as they walked out of the gas station, eating their breakfast burritos. The two brothers laughed and joked as they walked to school. Their attention was suddenly diverted as they noticed a ruckus going on at the local bar. Two squad cars had been called. The boys looked at each other and smiled brightly as the same idea popped into their heads. _

_They rushed over to get a closer look at the fight and watched as a bulk older man with graying brown hair was led out of the bar after starting a fight. Their jaws dropped. The man that was being put into the squad car was the same bulk older man that lived in their home, and provided them with food on the table, or at least was supposed to. The man that was being read his rights was the same man that was their father. Tracker threw his arm around his brother, directed him away from the messy situation, and took him to school. _

_"is Dad gunna..."_

"...Dad?" Tracker shook his head in confusion, " are you this kid's father?" the officer asked. Tracker's eyes widened and his shook his head with his answer.

"No...I'm his legal guardian and older brother" Tracker answered. 

" Sign here" the officer said wearily. 

"Thanks..." Tracker said as he signed the paperwork and took Sean home. 

A/N: I didn't think I'd get another chapter up this soon. I guess with my open sced with nothing to do tomorrow it being the cheapest, most pointless holiday ever tomrrow...Okay....yea....so anyways...I'm asking for a bit of feedback...what kinda stuff do you guys wanna see next???

**Quick Thanks: BaLLin BaBi GrL, Different, trucalifornian, darkstorm5000, musikchik, pickledxwriter, JustAnotherDream, and bookdragon14**

**Anonymous Compass: eh, no worries about not reviewing the last chapter.  I'm dying to get my report card so I get my privelage card back...there should be no reason for me to lost my privs after that, because I'm passing phsyics for once!!! someone should throw me a party...**

**Ellectra: way to be lazzzzy!!!! j/k sometimes I don't want to sign in either, but I always do...I'm not sure why. I can't wait until summer to see Degrassi again, I'm dying to see Ellie and Sean get together on the screen. Have you noticed the all of a sudden explosion of Ellie/Sean fics???**

**Poppyseed: sorry I didn't get anymore music in this one...so I guess I'll recommend you some more, go listen to some Thrice!!!**

**orange crush3: thanks, I think the more I write Sean, the more I want him too...*smirk*...I can't wait for your next chapter...**

**arthur: someone needs to teach you how to review love, but I love you for trying *kiss * show me another review mah luv!!! pweeze? **

**another chapter dedicated to my Arthur!!!!!**


	12. foul shot

**Numb**

_You ate your soul and it made you fat  
Starve yourself from everything else that   
Makes you completely full_

            Despite the sudden downpour, everything was great. Usually Ellie enjoyed the rain, but the winter cold made it feel like ice pounding down against her. Everything was looking up, so it seemed. The Co-Op job was going amazing; she was working on gathering some story ideas for the possible new show. She was somehow passing Geometry, not somehow really, she knew why. It was because of all the late night study sessions with Sean. Her mom. Well things could be better in that department. She hadn't stopped drinking but she had slowed it all down. Perhaps Judy just wanted to be sober when Harry walked through the door. Ellie didn't know if he was coming in before the holidays or not, but she hoped so. The holidays were right around the corner, and maybe just maybe she'd be able to get what she wanted from her mother for Christmas. 

            Ellie closed the door behind her as she walked into her house. She dropped her bag on the floor near the stairs, began to unwrap her black scarf from around her neck, and peeled off her black tweed jacket and draped them across the couch. She look down at the seat cushions and notice that for once in the longest time since her father left the couch was not occupying the drunken and hung over form of her mother. "Mom!" Ellie called as she walked into the kitchen. Judy was completely happy, a smile was spread across her face as she began cooking dinner. 

            "You're cooking" Ellie said surprised.

            "Eleanor you're home!" Judy said happily, hugging her only daughter. 

            Ellie was at a loss for words. "Why the sudden burst of soberness?" 

            Judy's smile faded, "I'm sorry I haven't been the mother you've needed" and hugged her daugther again. Ellie felt reluctant to believe her mother's apology, but what could she do? This was her mother, and she loved her. Ellie hugged her back. Judy sniffled and smiled happily. " Your father's coming home for a two week leave over the holidays."

            Ellie's face lit up in delight. _Daddy's coming home_. Ellie suddenly remembered Sean's offer to come over during the break and keep her company. Ellie suddenly hoped that her mother's sudden change in attitude would keep until her father's leave again, and maybe longer than that. " A friend of mine offered to come over during the holidays and keep me company, is that alright?" 

            "Of course Eleanor" Judy said turning to the stove. " When is _she_ coming over?"

            " Actually...it's a _he_ and we were hoping maybe his brother could also come for dinner or something, they are alone for the holidays."

            Judy wasn't quite sure of how to answer her daughter's request. The only boy that had ever been over to the house as far as she could remember was Marco. Marco she could trust, as far as what she had known, Marco was gay. A gay boy is no hazard for little Eleanor. Suddenly Judy's mind heaved...

_"Eleanor" Judy said trying to stand. _

_Ellie looked disgusted with her mother. She wished she could push Sean out the door, she didn't want him to see her mother, she didn't want him to deal with her problems. Ellie spun around quick and began to shoo Sean towards the door, " maybe we should do this another time" Ellie said sadly. _

_" We can't...I mean...I can't Sean said, it's due next week, I have tonight, the weekend, and Monday to do it" _

_Ellie sighed. _

_" Please, Ellie, it's alright, you know my parents were just as bad, this isn't a problem you don't need to shelter me from this" _

_Ellie bit her lip. She could feel the tears welling up in her eyes, but she pushed them to the back of her mind and walked over to her mother and looked at Sean pitifully, " Can you just...help me get her to the couch?" _

_Sean nodded and set down his things and joined Ellie on the other side of Judy and helped to lift her to her feet. Judy stumbled with the help of Ellie and Sean as they guided her to the couch. She fell back on the couch and grabbed her head with her free hand as she gripped the vodka bottle tightly in the other. Judy slowly closed her eyes and opened them again weakly as she noticed Ellie's hand reach for the bottle in an attempt to pry it from her hands. Judy held on tight, pulled the bottle into her chest, and coddled it against her breasts. _

_Sean gently grabbed Ellie's arm and gave her a pleading look. "El... just let her go, you can take care of it later, she's not going anywhere."_

            " I've met him before haven't I?" Judy asked.

            Ellie nodded, "briefly" she muttered, "he won't be much trouble I promise" Judy sighed and agreed to let Sean and Tracker come over for the holidays. Deep down Judy had something against Sean, maybe it was because he was a boy invading her little girl's space, or maybe it was just the fact that he was not Marco, Marco she could trust, Marco was not interested in girls, in Ellie. Sean? She wasn't sure where Sean lied in her daughter's life. Maybe she was just beginning to become the overprotective mother she should have been every time her husband left on a mission. She heard Ellie's voice, but didn't quite understand what she was saying.

            "Excuse me?" Judy asked. 

            " You're burning the chicken" Ellie said as she looked at her mother funny. Judy quickly removed the pan from the burner and looked disappointedly down at the pan of burnt chicken. 

            "I'm sorry Eleanor" 

            Ellie smiled and reassured her mother that it was alright, " Let's just go down to the dot for some burgers." 

            " Sure thing, my treat then" Judy insisted, as she turned off the stove and grabbed her car keys off the counter as she ushered Ellie out the door, grabbing her coat in the process. 

***

            "What happened to you the other night?" Jay asked Sean as they shot a few hoops outside the school. Towerz sat against the fence nursing a hangover from the night before. Sean received a bounce pass from Jay and he took a quick lay-up and rebounded his own basket, passing it back to Jay. 

            " I felt crowded, needed a break" Sean breathed as he pulled off his shirt, tossing it aside. 

            " What did you do to Jules?, she locked herself in my guest room and didn't come out all night after you left..." Jay asked taking a jump shot.

            Sean shook his head, "I wasn't up messin' with her Jay, I'm not into her, it's wrong" Sean rebounded the basket and dribbled out to the three point line and poised himself ready in front of Jay, ready to drive it to the hole. 

            " So who are you into then? that poser chick Ellie?" Sean stopped dribbling and stood up straight.

            " Dude, she's not a poser" 

            " Whatever you say, she's messed up man, hangs out with that fag Marco" 

            Sean began to dribble again and took Jay to the hole hard, knocking him down as he jumped up making the lay-up easily. 

            " Dude, watch it!" Jay shouted angrily.

            " No man, you watch it...so what Marco's a fag, what does that have to do with anything?" Sean said angrily grabbing his rebound and holding it under his arm. " Well, Jay you gunna answer me?" 

            " Nothin' man" Jay answered slowly climbing to his feet. " nothin'"

            " Good" Sean said angrily and threw the ball hard at Jay, walking out of the schoolyard, grabbing his shirt on the way. 

            Sean was pissed off. Jay and Towerz were once people he thought understood him, that totally got him. Now here he was walking away from those two people. What did he ever see in them ever? His thoughts ran across the paths he had chosen and the one he was walking off of looked so dark and desolate. He remembered all the things he would do with Jay and Towerz. They'd end up drinking, getting high, messing around with girls he barely knew. They would steal, cheat, skip school, was this a path worth walking down? Sean zipped up his hoodie and dug his hands deep into his pockets. Where was he going now? Home? Could he actually call it home, I mean no mom and dad, just Tracker, was that a home? Was that a family? Sean was lost. I guess all he really wanted was a compass to show him which way to go. 

            He walked up the steps of his home and walked into the house. There he found Tracker sitting on the couch, resting his feet up on the coffee table. Sean closed the door, walked into the living room, and fell down on the couch next his brother. "How was basketball?" Tracker asked. 

            Sean shrugged. "Okay I guess" 

            " I got a call from Raditch today" 

            Sean groaned, " what does the _Hitler _want?"

            " Nice to see you're paying attention in history" Tracker said laughing, " You skipped another detention, Raditch wants you there not next Saturday but the one after in the morning for a few hours for a Saturday detention." 

            " Are you kidding me?" Sean asked angrily. " I am not wasting a Saturday on some stupid detention."

            " yes I'm kidding" Tracker said sarcastically, " Not only does Raditch want you there, I want you there, you can't keep getting into trouble Sean" 

            " It's a Saturday Track...he can't keep us in school on a Saturday" Sean argued.

            " Well he said you might say that...and here's the ultimatum, you skipped a weeks worth of detention, you put in this Saturday and you're slate is wiped clean."

            Sean thought for a moment. One Saturday detention or another weeks worth...

            " fine..." Sean muttered, "what time on Saturday?"

            "seven in the morning, as long as one school day, so you'll be down around three at the latest" Tracker concluded. 

            Sean groaned and lifted himself off the couch and brooded to his room where he flipped on his stereo and fell face first on his bed, drowning himself in music. He had borrowed another CD from Ellie and let is play himself to sleep. It made him smile, the band's name was _My Chemical Romance_ it was such a poetic name, and their lyrics were just the same, it some how made him understand Shakespeare better, he began to see the stanza's of sonnets and monologues as lyrics to beautiful songs and the lyrics of songs to be poems.

_Late dawns and early sunsets, just like my favorite scenes  
Then holding hands and life was perfect, just like up on the screen  
And the whole time while always giving  
Counting your face among the living  
  
Up and down escalators, pennies and colder fountains  
Elevators and half price sales, trapped in by all these mountains  
Running away and hiding with you  
I never thought they'd get me here  
Not knowing you changed from just one bite  
I fought them all off just to hold you close and tight  
  
But does anyone notice?   
But does anyone care?   
And if I had the guts to put this to your head...  
But would anything matter if you're already dead?   
And should I be shocked now by the last thing you said?   
Before I pull this trigger,   
Your eyes vacant and stained...  
  
But does anyone notice?   
But does anyone care?   
And if I had the guts to put this to your head...  
And would anything matter if you're already dead?   
And now should I be shocked by the last thing you said?   
Before I pull this trigger,   
Your eyes vacant and stained...  
And in saying you loved me,  
Made things harder at best,  
And these words changing nothing  
As your body remains,  
And there's no room in this hell,  
There's no room in the next,  
And our memories defeat us,  
And I'll end this direst.  
  
But does anyone notice?   
But does anyone care?   
And if I had the guts to put this to your head...  
But does anything matter if you're already dead?  
And should I be shocked now by the last thing you said?  
Before I pull this trigger,  
Your eyes vacant and stained...  
And in saying you loved me,  
Made things harder at best,  
And these words changing nothing  
As your body remains,  
And there's no room in this hell,   
There's no room in the next,  
But does anyone notice there's a corpse in this bed?_

It was something about the poetic justice of the lyrics and the way the lead singer threw so much emotion into singing that threw Sean over the top. This song once again reminded him of Emma. He thought they were really something, but they got thrown off track. He always believed Emma and him would be together for a while. This song expelled every thought in Sean's head about what had happened between them. He hated that they had broken up, and then the way that she seemed to move on so quick. Sure he was happy for her, who wouldn't be, Chris wouldn't mess up her life. There was no more room in that hell, in this hell for Emma and Sean. And most definitely she was more so in heaven than being taunted in hell. Was Sean really in hell? "_Am I really here_" he thought as the lyrics drowned him in a sleep. "I have Ellie" he whispered to himself. " I can't be that far gone...

***

**A/N: Sorry it took me sooo long. I've been busy, more or less...okay really I have no clue. I was trying to write but I wasn't up for it...I've been trying to keep myself sane in all my classes and not skip restricted study hall first periods on ACE days...which is tuffff to do. But in other news I managed to get my privelages back! yay!!! which means I can go out for lunch. But there's a catch...you see I skipped first period restricted for 10 days so I have to make it up, according to my principal...it's not tooo hard, atleast I can leave for lunch...but I do miss sitting with my gang at the table...it was fun: Me, Alan, Dave, Adam, and that kid making fun of Chelsea...(I love Chelsea...she just loves to talk about male extremities faaaar too much) I do miss them....yea, I'm rambling...the long awaited KISS will be coming up soon. I promise!!!!**

**Quick Thanks: trucalifornian, Quiet110, darkstorm5000, JustAnotherDream, bookdragon14, Not an Angel, musikchik, kazukizaki1, piercedTongue, and Poppyseed**

**pickledxwriter: yea....I think that might be a bit extreme, I wouldn't want Ellie to go off the deep end or something. But she really wouldn't be an orphan, I'm sure since her father is in the army and what not they would take care of her or something...just not what I have in mind. but I'm still open for suggestions**

**orange crush3: dollllllll you need to update your story instead of dabbling with Marco/Dylan stuff...although I did love it alot, so cute...just thought I'd leave you something look forward to when you read my little stuff...we can be trendy and talk in our review responses *laughs ***

**to MY KNIGHT(s) 3!!!! Arthur luv, this is for you, but you have to share it with Joe! Joe hun, your the other friend that I loveth to death! Thank you for telling me I'm strong enough....*kisses * ....**

**For Arthur and Joe!!!!**


	13. pressure off the chest

**Numb**

_Give me all your fear, throw it away  
Think about the good things, no matter what they say  
We'll take tomorrow baby  
One day at a time_

            It had been a good while since Ellie had seen her father. As much as she loved her mother, her father played the sun in her sky. Ever since she was young, Ellie could always remember her father teaching her to be herself and respect others. He used to tell Ellie that she was part of her own militia, her very own general, and what she wore was her uniform. He had so much love for Ellie and so much respect to see her do what she was capable of doing to the best of her abilities. Ellie fidgeted in the office at the military base tugging at her black arm stockings and fixing the waistband of her flowing, short black skirt over her ripped blue jeans. Playing with the hem of her black lacy top she felt her mother grab her hand tightly and squeeze. Ellie wasn't the only one who was excited for her father's homecoming. Ellie looked over and smiled at her mother. She looked like a real June Cleaver today. Her mother was sober today, one week sober. Sometimes she wondered if her mother would make it. 

            Greg Nash burst through the doors of the office excitedly and dropped his bag on the floor. He looked tired, worn out, and energized all at the same time. A smile drew across his face as his gaze fell upon " the two most beautiful women in my life" he said brightly rushing up to the both of them, enveloping them in his strong arms. Ellie was producing the largest smile he had in the longest time. 

            Judy was nearly in tears as she drove the family home. She was trying to explain to Greg how turbulent his time away had been. He looked from Judy to Ellie and felt his heart break. He knew Judy had a tendency to drink too much when he was gone for long periods of time. She'd done it before, the last time did not have the same echoing results but were just as overbearing on Ellie as ever. Of course neither still new of Ellie's self injury, and that was eating away at Ellie. She wanted to spill her guts, but ruin the perfect family image happening with her father being home, **never**. 

            Dinner went well, Judy managed to cook a feast in honor of the king arriving home. Ellie was sitting in a guilt-ridden silence through dinner as she sat at the table answering questions about how great life had gone while her father was away. Although Judy remained completely untouched by the guilty tone in Ellie's lying, Greg did not. He knew his daughter better than anyone else in the world, and he could tell by the tone in her voice, and the look in her eyes that she was in pain, in pain no matter how much life seemed to be looking up at the moment. Greg watched as his daughter excused herself to her bedroom. Even Judy seemed to notice that Ellie seemed a bit distant, especially with her father being home. He found himself lightly kissing Judy on the cheek and following his daughter up to her room. 

            Ellie was sitting in the nook of window seat starring out the window into the dark night sky. Her bare feet grazing against the warmth of the window seat covers. Next to her feet rested her small wooden black box. Greg slowly opened the door to Ellie's room and stood in the glowing doorway. 

            " Ellie hunny...are you okay?" Greg asked as she walked across to room and sat on the edge of the window seat. Ellie just looked over at her father and nodded silently. Greg didn't buy her silence for one moment. " Ellie you've been quiet since you picked me up, whenever I come home your always a ball of sunshine." 

            Ellie shrugged, "just completely worn out" Ellie muttered unsure of herself. 

            " I find that hard to believe" 

            " Well believe it" she said feigning a smile.

            Greg frowned. He'd never seen her so distant. He looked at her, her red hair in plaits. He seemed to remember when she was a young child, her wild red hair a match of her wild personality, clutching his legs, coming to him when she'd get a _boo boo_. " I refuse to believe it, I've known you your entire life."

            Ellie tried to laugh, but ended up in tears as she clutched her father's chest. Greg seemed a bit taken aback as his Ellie fell into his arms.

            _"Daddy, Daddy!" a tiny little girl called out, her voice racked with sobs. Her wild red hair in a disarray of multiple pigtails as she rushed to him in her unique outfit of tight leggings, a skirt, a gray batman tee-shirt and mismatched shoes, all topped off with a pink cape. Greg hated to see his little girl in tears. Greg scooped the little girl up in his arms and spun her around before sitting down, with her on his knees. _

_            " Ellie, my love, what's wrong?" _

_            Ellie sniffled, "I-I-I fell" she cried._

_            " Oh, well that's nothing Super Dad, can't handle" Greg said kissing her scraped up knee. Ellie sniffled and stopped her crying as she bounced up and down on her daddy's knee. Ellie began to smile as Greg slipped her down from his knee and skipped off to play in the back yard.  _

" I-I-I fell" she cried into his shirt. Greg looked at his daughter confused until she pulled away and rolled up her sleeves. His eyes widened as his eyes stumbled across the scars on her arms and then the four fresh new cuts that had just now begun to stop bleeding. 

            " Oh Ellie" he said hugging his daughter tight. "When did this start?" 

            Ellie choked back a sob, "after you left, there was just so much" she sniffled and wiped her eyes, "it just felt so relieving."

            "It's okay" he said rocking her back and forth, smoothing her hair. " The rest of your cuts look old, but these are new, why did you ..."

            " Everything's been going well lately, too good actually, I just new something was going to happen, I just didn't want to wait" 

            "It's okay Ellie, we'll get you help" 

            " I have been getting help...I just stumbled a bit" she said slowly breaking away from her tears.

            " Does your mother know?" 

            Ellie shook her head. 

            " Know what?" Judy asked, standing in the doorway, looking a bit scared.

            Greg looked at his daughter, "tell her Ellie" 

            Ellie took a deep breath, " I-I-I've been hurting myself"

            Judy looked scared and rushed over to her daughter, enveloping her in a hug. It was Judy who began to cry next, harder than Ellie had. "This is all my fault" she cried.

            " It's not anyone's fault but mine" Ellie answered, not wanting her mother to feel guilty. " I was the one hurting myself, I didn't have to, but I did" Ellie felt a wave of strength wash over her. She felt a bit more relieved than she ever had when she'd trace her arm with a box cutter. "Thank you" Ellie muttered.

            " for what?" Judy asked.

            " for loving me" Ellie answered and hugged both her mother and father again. 

~*~^~*~

"You up to practicing our song for the Holiday Pageant?" Craig asked Ashley, kissing her cheek. Ashley smiled. It had been awhile since the two could spend any quality time together. For some strange reason Craig just always seemed to be busy. Ashley wasn't one to question; she was always very trusting when it came to relationships, and sometimes it was even she who couldn't be trusted. She only ever had one successful relationship with Jimmy and she threw that away for a bit of fun one night, mostly because of Paige's influence to stop being so boring. She was happy. She had the school heartthrob; his was musically talented, and completely passionate. She figured that as long as she remained loyal and faithful, and completely trustworthy nothing would ever go wrong. 

" Yea, did you finish the chords for the chorus?" Ashley asked as she looked over her lyrics.

" Um...yea?" Craig asked himself questionably. Ashley laughed. What she didn't know was that it was not much of a laughing matter. Craig felt guilty, but completely guilty, he had spent all his free time lately with Manny his garage rather than with his guitar working on the song. He leaned back on the couch in the garage and strummed the guitar lightly, plucking a few strings until he found the ones he liked that worked the song to its fullest potential.

Ashley sat down on the couch and leaned back. " You know what Craig...I'm really not up for practicing" she said with a smirk. Craig raised an eyebrow in interest.

" Oh really?" 

" Really" Ashley said tugging at his shirt and heatedly kissing him. Craig smiled playfully as Ashley's lipped remained pressed to his and wrapped his arms around her and wrestled with her mischievously on the couch. The door to the garage silently opened a crack and Manny stood there watching as Craig and Ashley were playfully making-out on the couch. She felt a pang of hurt. But they were two kinds, one for the heartbreak of seeing Craig, someone she was madly in love with, passionately involved with another girl. The other pang of hurt was that she felt guilt for, for weaseling her way in between Craig and Ashley. She slowly closed the door, careful not to make a sound. Shoving her hands deep into her pockets of her winter jacket she walked home as the blistering wind whipped at her nose and cheeks, burning them a light pink.

~*~^~*~

Sean and Tracker were sitting in the living room watching a movie. It was a lazy way to spend the evening and they both knew it. Jay and Towerz had called earlier begging Sean to come out and play. Sean turned them down, pretending to be sick. Sean wasn't quite sure what they were watching, but whatever it was it was "boring the hell out of me" he muttered.

" It's a classic" Tracker argued.

" In what century, Tracker?" 

" this one...I can't believe you don't like this movie?" 

" it's boring me to death, what's it about" 

Tracker sighed and rolled his eyes, ignoring his brother's comments about the movie. As Sean slowly drifted into a boredom induced sleep he heard someone knock on the door. "You get it" Tracker muttered, not wanting to miss the movie. Sean groaned and got to his feet, walking over to the door and slowly opening it. There stood Ellie, her eyes puffy and red from crying. 

"Are you okay?" Sean asked opening the door wider and letting her in, closing the door behind her. She threw her arms around his neck and held on as if her life depended on it. He led her to the couch and sat her between him and Tracker as the television shut off. 

" Ellie are you okay?" Tracker asked. 

" I told my parents" she said shakily. 

" how did they take it?" he asked.

" well" she answered, "they took it well" 

Ellie leaned her head against Sean's chest. Tracker seemed to get the hint and headed into the kitchen. Sean eased Ellie up from the couch and led her to his room where his flicked on the light and she fell onto his messy bed. His room was a mess; it wasn't just his bed. He had clothes strewn all over the place and his posters decorated his walls to the point where nothing to could be seen behind them. He walked over to his beat up stereo and slipped in a CD he had picked up the day before and pressed play. 

" What are you playing?" Ellie asked leaning up on her elbows. 

" I picked it up yesterday, I think you'll like it" 

Suddenly sound burst out of the stereo and Ellie smirked. She recognized the sound clip from the movie Hook and immediately recognized the band: _Rufio_. Ellie jumped to feet on Sean's bed and swayed with the drums and guitar as the echoed through Sean's room. She smiled as she began to sing the lyrics to Sean. 

_If I was to walk till time saw no end.   
If I was to climb till the air was too thin.   
I could not find a picture fit the frame.   
As perfect as you.   
As perfect as you.   
  
You showed me life and lived nothing less.   
Yet you're so above me.   
I'll take my time your memory is bliss.   
The angel above me.   
  
When I look at the stars they shine of your eyes.   
The sky it burns bright with your presence tonight.   
Yet your so above me and I cannot fly.   
To the angel above me I long to be with. With.   
  
Angel above me.   
  
To look at the mountains vast and great.   
Is one step above in seeing your face.   
To look at the stars for they lead the way.   
To the angel above.   
  
If I was to walk till time saw no end.   
If I was to climb till the air was too thin.   
I could not find a picture fit the frame.   
As perfect as you.   
As perfect as you.   
  
You showed me life and lived nothing less.   
Yet you're so above me.   
I'll take my time your memory is bliss.   
The angel above me.   
  
When I look at the stars they shine of your eyes.   
The sky it burns bright with your presence tonight.   
'Cause your so above me and I cannot fly.   
To the angel above me I long to be with. With.   
  
Angel above me._

            Sean smiled amused as Ellie hit the last line "Angel above me" and collapsed on his bed, her face red from strenuous extent of her activities. Sean sat down on the bed next to her and both of them completely ignored the continuing songs on the CD. " I see my taste in music is rubbing off on you" Ellie said laughing, looking over at Sean. They seemed to sit in silence, despite the rumbling of Sean's stereo. All Ellie saw was sparkle in Sean's eyes, and all Sean seemed to see was Ellie. Just Ellie. Ellie's eyes were outlining the shape of Sean's face, his eyes, and his lips. She found herself biting her tongue, to resist the urge to jump on him and allow her lips to break her fall on his lips. Sean laid back on the bed and turned to face Ellie, their noses almost touching. 

            "El" he whispered softly. 

            " Sean" she whispered back.

            Sean quickly pressed his lips to Ellie's and her heart began to race. She didn't know how long she had waited for that moment. Their lips parted and they fell into each other. Sean's hand wrapped behind her and gently massaged her neck. 

            "Um...I'd hate to interrupt but...Ellie is past ten, and you have school tomorrow, I think your parents might want you home" Tracker announced, completely ruining the moment. "Sean...walk her home" he said with a smirk. Sean just knew, that this time he walked her home there would be the sweetest kiss goodnight waiting on her front porch.

**A/N: I guess I'm making my updates a bit of a weekly, sometimes every two weeks type of thing. I did it! I made them kiss, ya'll happy now? Good...Only a few more days in restricted. *smiles * I kinda only go out for lunch once a week or so, the rest of the week I spend my first lunch period in the darkroom working on my assignments for black and white photography and then my second period I'm in the cafeteria with Alan, Dave, and Adam, and the rest of the gang goofing around. SNL is coming up soon, so I'll be very preoccupied with Drama Club and might not get a chance to update as frequently as I'm trying.**

**Quick Thanks: justanotherdream piercedtongue, pickledxwriter, BaLLin BaBi Girl,**

**Quiet110,trucalifornian, Anne, and deadly secret**

**musikchik- yes, you do deserve a cookie, too bad I can't cook...and don't worry about Sean thinking about Emma sometimes. I mean, she was his first love, he's not going to forget her...hopefully this chapter changes your mind about that...**

**EvenAngelsFall22- I try to find some music...I love it, I need to incorporate it in everything I do, so why not writing...besides it adds a few extra words to my word count, lol...I'll try and find some more underground awesome bands for you to download...**

**orange crush3- hey girl...I can't believe your story is over! it makes me sad :-( when is the collection of Ellie's journals going to be up? Soon I hope...I can only wait...I wasn't thinking of a bit of Jay-Ellie-Sean action but...*scratches head*....maybe...maybe just maybe that'll make things interesting. **

**Starlighteyez- lot's of practice? I really don't know, I've just always been writing and stuff, I can't ever remember not writing or doing anything artistic like that...**

**This chapter goes to Arthur...even though he's lazy!!!! 3333 you my Knight**

**and also ...**

**this chapter goes to ChrisP because he picked a song for me to use...3333**


	14. Angel Above Me

**Numb**

_So you run, so you hide,   
and you watched as they die,   
they all fell, you could fall too,   
or you could sew your wings and try to fly right through._

            Ellie woke up in one of the best moods she had been in for a while. She smiled to herself as she sat in her bed, cuddled by her thick red comforter and surrounded by the softness of her pillows as the sun gleamed through the window and fell onto her smiling face. Was everything this picture perfect? Her father was home; her mother was sober and finally going to an AA meeting. Sure, it wouldn't last forever, but for the moment, it was great. The only thing that wasn't perfect were the facts that after holiday break her father would return for his mission; her mother would eventually fall back into her drunken depression, and scars would ultimately litter her arms. But why complain? She had a boyfriend, or did she? _Just because you kiss a boy doesn't make him your boyfriend._ It was that statement, that idea, which made the frown appear on Ellie's face as she crawled out of bed and slumped to the bathroom. Just looking in the mirror it looked as though she had an amazing night of sleep. "_Maybe Sean should kiss me goodnight every night_" she thought to herself as she reached for her toothbrush and smeared the paste across the bristles and brushed her teeth humming to herself a little bit of _Rufio_. 

            "Angel above me" she sang spitting into the sink, rising off her tooth brush and resting back in it's cradle. She continued to hum as she un braided her hair and shook her hair loose. She spun around and turned on the water in the shower until the bathroom was shrouded in a warm mist. Ellie slowly stripped out of her sweats and climbed into the shower, letting the steamy water rush over her still tired body. She felt her fingers gently trace over her scars as they rested on her arms. She opened her eyes and felt herself smile. She wouldn't let herself be ashamed of them, "they are my battle scars" she said to herself as she washed her hair and quickly finished her shower, grabbing one towel from the hook and wrapping her hair into a turban, the other around her body. She stepped out of the shower, picked up her clothes and walked back down the hall to her room. 

            Ellie's bare feet felt cold against the hardwood floors of her room as she dumped her clothes in her hamper and wandered over to her dresser. She pulled out a pair of brief cut underwear with little white skulls and cross bones on the black of the fabric and slipped them on and quickly changed into a black bra before tossing aside her towel. She pulled out a pair of ripped blue jeans and a tight black band t-shirt emblazed with a picture of a woman and the words: Caught in Yesterday written in script across the front. She continued to hum to herself as she threw on her clothes, slipped on her combat boots, and slid on her arm stockings before returning to the bathroom to dry her hair. She threw her hair up messily and quickly applied a bit of her trademark dark eye makeup before grabbing her bookbag and practically skipped down the stairs. 

From the foyer she could smell breakfast cooking in the kitchen and smiled. "Today will be a good day" she said to herself and sat down at the kitchen table. Her father smiled as he set down the newspaper. He was, for once, dressed out of his military uniform and in a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. Her mother turned around from the stove and slipped some pancakes on Ellie's and Greg's plates before returning to the stove to make more. 

" You look like you're in a good mood this morning" Greg mentioned as she covered his pancakes with syrup. 

" One of the best," Ellie answered as she spread a small amount of butter over her pancakes. 

" Does it have anything to do with the fact that I'm home, or that you took off last night to see a friend?" her father asked.

" A little of both" 

" You never told us Eleanor, who did you need to go visit so desperately last night?" her mother asked serving herself some pancakes and sitting down at the table. 

" Sean" Ellie answered, " you remember him right?...you said him and his brother could come over during the holidays and we could show them a real family gathering" Ellie said, emphasizing the family gathering with slight sarcasm, even though she loved having everyone together. 

" Oh yes...why did you need to go see him so badly?" Judy asked cutting her breakfast carefully. " He doesn't know about..."

" My cutting?" Ellie finished for her, " yes,...he does actually" 

" But how?" Judy asked frightened for her position in the community and as a mother. After all, how would it look if the neighborhood found out her only daughter was cutting herself. 

" He found out on his own, don't worry mother, it's not like I go around advertising my self mutilation on a billboard" Ellie answered. 

" Ellie can you not talk to your mother with such an attitude" Greg asked politely. 

Ellie blushed, ashamed that she was treating her mother the way she was, especially after things seemed to be getting better. " Sorry" she answered. 

" So this...boy...Sean...are you..."Greg began stuttering over words. He wasn't used to his daughter "seeing boys."

" no..." Ellie said unsure of herself before feeling guilty. "_What if we are...and I just lied..._" she thought to herself. She looked up at the clock and groaned. "I've got to go, I don't want to be late for school" she said before excusing herself from the table. 

Ellie grabbed her messenger bag and slipped it over her shoulder before grabbing her CD player and rushing out the door, slipping the headphones over her ears. Her ears throbbed in heaven as the music pounded through the headphones into her ears as her feet collided with the sidewalk on her way to school. 

_Hello again, why so old?,  
Wasnt time your friend? I must be told  
Hello again, it seems to long  
Since we last met, how has it gone  
  
Dont Accept the blame, I would not complain,  
Cos im sure it wasnt your own fault  
That you never made it out your vault  
Just Lock the door, and find some time to scream  
Just scream again...  
  
Just say "when" and you'll stop the pain of your life,   
Bring it to an end.  
Just say "when" and you could make amends  
Just say Hello, say Hello again...  
  
Hello Again, its not that hard.  
No Dead ends, even with the scars  
  
Dont Accept the blame, I would, I would not complain,  
Cos im sure it wasnt your own fault  
That you never made it out your vault  
Just Lock the door, and find some time to scream  
  
Just say "when" and you'll stop the pain of your life,   
Bring it to an end.  
Just say "when" and you could make amends  
Just say Hello, say Hello again...  
  
You have no home, you lost your throne, where has it gone?,   
Well it could all come back,   
But you're being led by the walking dead,  
You stumble and you cracked the ground,   
You're pinned down...  
  
Just Say "when" you could stop the pain,   
Just Say "when", you could make amends  
Just say hello, say Hello Again,   
  
Hello Again, Hello Again, Hello Again, Hello Again, Hello Again,   
  
If i was here, would you just say Hello again..._

"Ellie!" Sean shouted for nearly the third time at the top of his lungs. She seemed to be living in her own little world when she had her headphones on. She hadn't even noticed his presence or the fact that he had practically led her to school in her daze. She seemed to be living on cloud nine. Ellie's eyes opened up wide as she returned to the real world, slipping her headphones down around her neck. 

"Sorry" she said sheepishly. 

Sean just laughed. " You look chipper  this morning...what gives? what happened to the moody, punk rock Ellie?" 

" she met a really hot guy..." she said raising her eyebrows peekidly, " he makes her happy" 

" well where is he, I'll beat him up, no one changes my Ellie" Sean said jokingly, as he looked around, pressing his hands on her shoulders and jumping up into the air to get a good look at the mystery man. Ellie just laughed. 

" so I'm _your_ Ellie now?" she asked smirking.

Sean calmed down and blushed. He dug his hands deep into the pockets of his dark blue jeans and felt his ears burning. " Only if you want to be" he said quietly. " But I wouldn't want you to ruin things with that **really hot guy** you m---" 

Sean was cut off by Ellie's lips resting on his. Sean raised his eyebrows and smiled as they pulled away, "well I guess that's a yes...but what will we tell the **really hot guy** you..." 

Ellie punched him gently in the arm. 

"Ow" he whimpered rubbing his arm, " That's it...I don't do abusive relationships" he said jokingly. Ellie rolled her eyes and began to walk away. Sean ran and grabbed her arm spinning her around, " but I guess I'll make an acceptation for you, _Miss Nash_," he said sweetly and kissed her. 

"P-D-A" shouted Jay laughing with Towerz as they sat on the steps to the school. Sean pulled away and rolled his eyes.

"I'll see you later?" he asked pleading with his eyes. 

Ellie nodded, "In the library during study hall, you need to finish your assignment for Kwan." Sean nodded and jogged off to join Jay and Towerz as they walked into the school. 

~*~

Marco was smiling incessantly as Ellie walked into geometry class.  Ellie looked at him with a wondering look on her face as she slipped into her seat next to Marco. The bell rang and Mr. Armstrong began to teach today's lesson. Ellie looked over at Marco and scribbled down some words, folding it up and slipping the note discreetly to Ellie.

_Els...I saw you this morning...you and Mr.Cameron_

Ellie smiled and laughed silently to herself and scribbled a response.

            __

_            and what exactly did you see Mr. Del-Rossi?_

Marco smiled wide.

            _a nice little kiss between the two of you...care to explain?_

Ellie rolled her eyes.

            _not really...but I'm afraid if I don't you'll be pestering me til media immersions_

Marco laughed.

            _true that..._

Ellie smiled.

            _me and Mr.Cameron...seem to be together, I'm not sure totally, I'm pretty sure..._

Marco laughed to the point where he didn't know if he could hold it in anymore.

            _you don't think he's using you to cover up his homosexuality do you?_

Ellie released an angry laugh.

            _not funny!_

Marco smiled.

            _I know Els...so...you've got yourself a boyyyyyfriend?"_

Ellie smiled.

            _I think so...just don't go spreading rumors..._

Marco looked shocked.

_Moi? Spread Rumors? Never...that's Paige you want to talk to..._

Ellie shook her head.

            "Mr Del-Rossi, Miss Nash, would you care to stop passing notes and pay attention?" Mr. Armstrong asked. Ellie found herself slinking deep into her chair, turning a bright shade of red as Marco stuttered out an apology.

~*~

            "So you've got yourself a little girlfriend Cameron?" Towerz asked slugging Sean in the arm. Sean rolled his eyes and pushed Towerz away as Jay slung an arm over the boys shoulder. 

            "Now Seanie Boy... what do you see in _poser chick_?" Jay asked. 

            Sean felt himself burning an angry red as Jay insulted Ellie. But was acting out worth losing two of the only friends he had left in the school? Sean decided it was best to remain as calm as he could, while still sticking up for his _girlfriend_. Girlfriend? God it felt so good to call her that. "well...let's start with the fact that she's **_not_** a poser...?" Sean said asking Jay if he understood. 

            "Whatever Sean, she dresses like a poser, she acts like a poser, she's a **poser**" Jay answered as they walked towards shop class. 

            " Dude...if she was a poser...she'd dress like Avril, act like Avril, and listen to Avril, therefore Jay...she's not a poser" he said calmly clapping Jay on the back. 

            Jay laughed, " Alright Sean you've got me there."

            Sean nodded. "Anything else you want to know?" 

            " how is she in the sack?...boy would I like to tap that ass" he said laughing.

            Sean looked absolutely furious. If he didn't want to risk losing a few friends he would have punched Jay in the face, but all he could mutter was, " dude...it's not like that at all" 

A/N: Hey Hey Hey guys! Half Days in school all this week, so I decided hey, let's write another chapter. So I did. Aren't you all proud. Things are getting really hectic so don't expect anything for a week or two, Drama Club, an old friend coming to visit, and then next Friday I leave for DC to play my violin....oooh special me. So things are getting heavy to handle. I'll try to get stuff together for ya'll though. I'm in the middle of  watching Days of Our Lives and I'm getting very ansy to get this up at the same time...I'm like...Oh No! Marlena you can't kill Alice!!!!! grrrrrrrr...stupid soap operas...now all I have to do is make it through passion and then jump over to watch One Life to Live because I'm in love with Al/Marcie...or is it Mike/Marcie now that Al has completely become Mike...oh dear I'm so confused...

**Quick Thanks: krys, piercedTongue, bookdragon14, katie, Starlighteyeyez, and shooting-starrz-4**

**orange crush3: Heyyyy! I got over and read _Yours Truly, Ellie Nash_, I'm loving it, you prolly already know that though. Myea, they just got together sorta, but you have to admit Emma really was Sean's first love, and you really never forget those. Just because he thinks of her sometimes doesn't mean he wants her back, it's because he cant' forget what they had...you'll see...he moves on...**

**justanotherdream: Drama Club is getting...how can I put this? Very interesting? In between rehearsals I get yelled at for talking about Degrassi too much :-D!!!! and I'm a senior director, actually I'm the head senior director so it looks bad...hahaha...I'll try and update more...promise...**

**Dedicated to Arthur! 3**

**Oh...and lyrics are LostProphets, _Hello Again_...and Caught in Yesterday? I needed a band for the t-shirt and Ellie is such an original soul I couldn't give her a popular band so I borrowed my friends' band: Caught in Yesterday, check them out (grr now I'm doing free publicity) by going here: **


	15. sigh

**Numb**

_Give me all your fear, throw it all away.   
Think about the good things, no matter what they say.   
We'll take tomorrow baby, yeah,   
One day at a time.  
One day at a time._

"I'm impressed Mr. Cameron" Ms. Kwan beamed as she handed Sean his paper back. " Really impressed." 

            Sean was reluctantly to turn over his paper, fearing the worst scrawled in red ink across his pearly white paper. Ms. Kwan continued to move down the line to each of the other students handing back their papers. "Sean aren't you even going to look at it?" Emma asked leaning forward across her table as she sat behind him. Sean turned around. He couldn't remember the last time he and Emma spoke without fighting. Why was she even being civil towards him? Didn't she hate his guts? Sean picked up his paper and slipped it to Emma. 

            "See for yourself" he said, his eyes not even looking at the grade on the paper. He didn't even pay attention to Emma's surprised reaction. He slipped on his headphones and drowned out the rest of the class, resting his head on the table. 

            "Sean!" Emma strained, without trying to get in trouble with Ms. Kwan. She groaned in frustration as she tried to grasp Sean's attention to give him is paper back. She slipped low in her chair and kicked her leg forward, her foot forcefully hitting Sean in the back. Sean jumped up in his chair, nearly falling out of it, almost causing a commotion big enough to catch Ms. Kwan's attention. "Sean," Emma whispered. Sean slipped his headphones off and turned around, looking quite red in the face.

            " What?" he asked angrily, but then quickly changed his attitude.

            " Your paper, maybe you should look at it" Emma answered.

            Sean took the paper back and rolled his eyes as he slowly looked over his paper. The only red correcting marks on his paper were for grammar errors. His eyes floated to the top of his paper and smiled. Sean Hope Cameron was smiling over a paper, a _play_ he wrote. He found himself thinking it were a mistake and quickly raised his hand. "Ms. Kwan!" he called out. She turned around and focused her attention on her troubled student.

            " Yes?" she asked holding her hands folded in front of her. 

            " is this grade for real?" 

            " it's written in ink" she responded.

            " but I mean, are you sure you didn't make a mistake?" he asked. 

            " Yes Mr. Cameron it's real, you got a real ninety-five" Ms. Kwan explained. Sean beamed, his face burning red, "In fact, I was hoping we could perform it in class, next week or so."

            Sean looked up at her in disbelief. "You have to be shi—kidding me" he muttered. 

            " I _kid_ you not Mr. Cameron" she said focusing on the kid, knowing full well the other word he had intended to use. 

            Sean's heart was racing. It had been a long time since he had received a paper back of refrigerator quality. Sean felt himself glowing with embarrassment as Ms. Kwan announced to the rest of the class then she would be handing out the roles from his play. He would definitely be thanking Ellie during lunch. 

****  
  


            Ellie had just sat down at her table when she felt a pair of arms wrap around her shoulders and a set of lips find themselves to her cheek. "Thank you" she heard Sean whispered and smiled. 

            "You're welcome" she said, a confused look on her face, "wait...what are you thanking me for?" 

            "You know that paper I had to do for Kwan" 

            Ellie nodded.

            " I aced it!" 

            Ellie's face lit up and she felt so happy for Sean. And she had actually helped him do something. She'd helped, and hadn't been a burden like she had felt as though she were being for the longest time. Sean sat down across from Ellie and picked at the French fries on her tray.

            " what are you doing tonight?" he asked casually. He was desperately hoping to celebrate with her over his perfect paper. But he could tell by the look on her face that she wouldn't be able to see her tonight.

            " I can't...Co-Op job until late tonight" Ellie answered, equally disappointed. Sean sighed, and plastered on a small smile. 

            " Call me when you get home then," he said kissing her lightly on the cheek and walking off towards his usual table in the cafeteria. 

            Ellie sighed as Marco and Ashley crept up at the table. Holidays were just around the corner and more than likely things would either look up or look down. At this moment things were looking up, and what goes up, must come down. 

            " Have you seen Craig today?" Ashley asked, as she was checking over her Lit homework. 

            Ellie though for a moment, she had seen Craig, but only for a moment in the hallway. She'd seen him walking down the hallway with Manny, which was completely odd, the way he was gently touching her shoulder and smiling at her, the way he smiles at Ashley when they are together. "I saw him in the hall today."

            " I haven't seen him since homeroom, and we have nearly all our classes today, you think he's sick?" 

            " I'm sure he's fine Ash" Marco answered for Ellie. 

            " I'm just worried is all, I mean he's been so distant lately, I don't want anything to screw this up for me" 

            " Ash, relax" Marco tried to console.

            " Ditto, I mean if you weren't so self conscious and worried about what other people thought you'd realize that Craig really loves you, so you have nothing to worry about." Ellie responded more thoroughly.  

            Ashley sighed. " You're right, it's just been hell since me and Jimmy split up again, and I'm still trying to find myself."

            " aren't we all?" Ellie asked.

            " but you haven't changed you're self as many times as I have" 

            Ellie laughed. It was true, since she had met Ashley, she'd changed twice, three times if you counted the short moment in time where she fell back into her preppy stage to please Jimmy. " Yes, I know, you've been a prep, goth, and now you're old school eighties punk, you're just trying to find yourself, there's no problem with that." 

            " but people think I'm a poser and what not" 

            " Ashley, does Craig think you're a poser?" Ellie watched as Ashley thought, and she seemed a bit confused. " Look at it this way, Craig liked you when you were goth, and he likes you now, what does anyone else's ideas matter." Ashley nodded, as she seemingly tried to understand. " I like you just the way you are Ash, now get over yourself." Ellie said laughing. Ashley laughed for a moment. She seemed to be picking up the lighthearted attitude at the table as Marco began to gush about Dylan. 

****

            "Cameron" Jay said throwing his arm around Sean's shoulder. " What's up my man?" Sean brushed Jay's arm off his shoulder and lightly punched his friend in the arm. He wasn't in the mood with dealing with Jay after what he had said about Ellie earlier. But Jay was a guy, and after all it had been just guy talk. You couldn't really expect to have a decent conversation with a brain dead moron like Jay anyways. Jay spun his black cap around backwards. " Party tonight Sean, you coming?" 

            " It's Tuesday" Sean answered.

            " All the more reason to party, the week's almost over" Jay laughed. 

            " Maybe,..." he thought for a moment, " is Jules going to be there?" 

            Jay shrugged. " What does it matter anyways, bring that punk chick, Emily...uh, Emma, Ellie?" 

            " Ellie..." Sean said softly, slightly cringing at the mention of Emma being a possible date to the party. " Can't bring her anyways, she's working late tonight" 

            Jay's lips curled up into a smirk. " well so what, what she doesn't know won't hurt her right?" 

            Sean frowned. '_I guess Jay expects me to cheat on Ellie or something, who does he think I am, my mother?'_

            "Look you gunna come or not?" Jay asked.

            "Yea, I'll come...but not for long, okay?" Sean answered, hoping that Jay would be happy with his decision.

            " Fine Cameron" Jay said as he headed towards his next class, " You know what I think Cameron?" 

            "What?" Sean answered stopping in front of his classroom.

            " I think you need to chill back with the boys and some cold ones" 

            Sean laughed dryly at the thought of getting wasted with Jay and the boys. '_Maybe, just one_' he thought as he imagined the party. '_Just one_' he could handle just one couldn't he?

            "I'll see you tonight" Jay said.

            Sean nodded and slipped into the classroom. As he sat down at his desk his mind began to wander. Jay had relinquished old memories he had strived to forget from his childhood. Before his parents left and before he moved in with Tracker...

_"Mom!" Sean called out excitedly as he rushed through the front door waving a perfect test in his hands. He was expecting his mother to be happy for him. To show her that he could be a smart boy, that he was a good boy. He walked towards the living room. He hadn't heard his mother respond and continued to call out her name. But this was met with only distant moans of pleasure from the seat of the couch. "Mom?Dad?" he called out a bit hoping that both his parents were home for him to please._

_Sean walked into the living room and noticed to figures on the couch from where he stood in the doorway to the room. The one on the bottom he noticed was his mother. The one on top was someone he didn't recognize. He could smell the alcohol resonating from his mother's body. She reeked of it. Perhaps she had mistaken the scruffy man on top of her as his father. 'Could she really mistake this scruffy burly man as his tall strong father?' Sean shook his head._

_" Mom?" he asked aloud. _

_Hope Cameron's head turned toward the sound of Sean's voice, she pushed the man away from her, and he rolled onto the floor. She fixed her disheveled hair with her fingers and tried to straighten out her clothes. "Oh hi Sean..." she said with her raspy voice, scratchy from the alcohol she was shoving down her throat just moments before. "This is um..." she said, struggling to get out a name of the man she didn't really know._

_"Alec" the man answered, getting to his feet, buttoning his shirt, and running his fingers through his greasy hair. _

_" he's the...." Hope continued._

_" plumber, backed up pipes...you're mother was uh...helping me relieve the clog" _

_Sean was young, but he wasn't blatantly stupid. His mother was doing something with this plumber that she would normally do, and was only supposed to do with his father. _

_"Did you want something Sean?" his mother asked._

_"um...just to show you my test" he said softly, and  disappointed in his mother, "I got an **A**" he said softly._

_" well isn't that nice, we should put this on the refrigerator." she said and lazily grabbed the test away from Sean and stumbled into the kitchen and slapped the test on the fridge with a cheap pizza delivery magnet. _

_" I must be going" Alec, the plumber, said..._

"It's time to get going Sean..." his teacher said. Sean looked around the room and noticed that everyone else was gone. His last class of the day and he was still in class, and not on his way home. 

" Uh, yea..." Sean said standing up and grabbing his books off the desk. He walked out of the room into the empty hallway and headed home. Headed home to get ready for the party. 

****

            Ellie walked into her small closet space at the Co-Op job with Caitlin and got straight to work researching ideas for the show. She slipped her headphones over her ears and began to listen to the music, tapping her pencil with the beat.

            "_I'm a mess, I guess_." she said singing along with the beginning of the song, as she jotted down notes for Caitlin and edited some feeds.   
  
__

_It's what I asked for, it's what I needed.   
Well, you know me better than that,   
or at least you did and something happened.   
But once again something's happened.   
The confidence you held in us is the rope we almost hung ourselves with.   
At times I wonder if we really took the steps to break right through it.   
I know that there were better days, but to see the light and to feel the rays.   
Life was always back and forth and we were idling or making useless progress.   
Waiting for the rain to stop.   
Destination: beautiful.   
Seems that I'm still waiting for the sun.   
Someday will come back to us, if you're willing let it go.   
Why won't you just let this be your sun?   
It seems like yesterday we had the world our way.   
But some say we're heading for destruction.  
  
I'll ask you "What in the world should we do?"   
This light is green our break is through.   
Are we not trying or are we trying too hard?   
Well, you know I never want to miss,   
I hold on tight and reminisce.   
But it's bittersweet to me.   
When time stands still as it's trapped inside   
the letterbox you gave back to me.   
But I'm the one who keeps on reading.   
But I'm the one who wants to let it go.   
I'm the first to speak.   
You're the last to know.   
Another scene that we're creating,   
I need to know if we're still making useless progress._

"That sounds nice" Caitlin said leaning in the doorway of the room. Ellie looked up as she noticed Caitlin's voice resounding throughout the room. 

            "Mae, they are some band from some Seattle record company" Ellie answered, closing her work binder.

            " Look, I've talked with a few of my colleagues and realized we have the perfect first story for you Els" Caitlin said leaning across the table turned desk.

            " What's that?" Ellie asked, completely interested.

            " Well it's all around town about the stuff at school getting stolen, and I was thinking why don't you go undercover..."

            Ellie thought for a moment. She had an idea that Sean and Jay's gang were behind it, but she didn't want to risk getting Sean in trouble. But she couldn't turn this job down. Ellie swallowed. "How would I do this?" 

            " I talked to Mr. Raditch today, and he said his initiating a Saturday Detention after the holidays and you're in" 

            " okay?" Ellie said a bit confused.

            " the culprit must be a student and if anything, the person or persons responsible will probably be in that detention session, and you're going"

            Ellie sighed. Could she sacrifice a Saturday to do what was needed for her job? And what would she do about Sean? Ellie agreed. But she couldn't betray Sean after the help he's contributed to help her survive. She would figure things out, and maybe it would take a walk home to make her realize what she could do. 

****

            Sean could hear the music blasting from a block away from Jay's house. No doubt, his parents were out again. It was probably another business trip for his father and a booty call for Jay's mother. He walked in through the front door and was thrown back by the smell of alcohol, and instead of disgusting him; he yearned for it. He walked into the kitchen, grabbed himself a cup, drained a portion of the keg, and joined the party. **_'One drink won't hurt_**' he thought to himself. 

            That one drink turned into two. Those two drinks turned into three. The three turned into four. And Sean stumbled off into the night, heading home. 

A/N: Soooooooooooooooo Sorrry it took me so long. But Drama Club is over, and everything went well. Now all I have to do is worry about where I'm going to get money since I've put my self on the sublist at work to relieve a lot of stress on my back. I've been working on and off on this since the last time I updated, and I hope that this is long enough to make up for it. Really, I'm sorry it took so long. I hope you enjoy it. 3333

**Quick Thanks: Different, degrassi-tng, Anonymous Compass, bookdragon14, trucalifornian, Quiet110, Mrs. Sean Cameron, Poppyseed, and zara1717**

**pickledxwriter: yes, I'm sure I don't write for Degrassi...wish I could be behind the camera though....**

**WritingIsMyDream: why are you angry with the last chapter? I'm sorry you don't like the addition of the Ashley-Craig-Manny triangle, but it's needed, because whether anyone else on here wants to admit it or not, all the characters are connected in one way or another, and you can't just always focus on one couple.**

**love-fool: meh, you may not have reviewed in a while, but I haven't updated in a while...hahaha. Yea, but Paige has changed, and it's not just because of the way she is in my story, her character has changed a lot on the show, she's gotten a lot more mature. And I wouldn't enjoy Degrassi if it didn't have every character they have now, because they are all needed...even Toby.**

**justanotherdream: oh yes, I've gotten in trouble many times for talking too much about Degrassi, but it's got the word around, and anyone who can sometimes watches it now. Not getting yelled at too much...just doing too much yelling at the Freshman!**

**EvenAngelsFall22: grr, I haven't seen much of OLTL lately, but I guess it's Marcie/Mike now, and I'm just in love with them! I swear, they are so precious, and I don't think I'd like them as much if they hadn't used the same actor they used for Al for Mike. Because atleast Marcie get's the cute guy! hehehe**

**Orange Crush3: aww I made your day? I hope this makes your day as well! I know you're not trying to inflate my ego, and you're not, I just like to write, and I'm sharing what I can...I'm trying on the marco/dylan thing, it'll hopefully progress...btw I'm looooving _Yours Truly, Ellie Nash_, it's coming along great!**

**until next time...cheers!**

**3 you *wink* okay well not really 3 more like...I love your sexy body: this chapter is for my borrowed body that belongs to Phil... :-P**


	16. like the angel

**Numb**

_they turn the lights down low,  
in shadows hiding from the world,  
only coming out when it gets cold_

            Sean stumbled in through the front door; in complete blatant disregard of what Tracker may thing. He didn't care one bit. He felt completely free and released from the pressure that was being put on him at school and at home and from his friends. He was sick of trying to be perfect for all them. He just wanted to be himself. This is where you can insert the drastic change in the Sean that Emma had met. Sean showed up on Tracker's doorstep, his parents had practically abandoned him to live with his brother. He was trying to be good, scared that Tracker would turn his back on Sean. But Tracker knew you can't turn your back on family. So Sean loosened up. And in this transition to find himself, Emma no longer found the Sean she once loved. It's tough these teenage years when people like Sean try to figure themselves out. He's not the only one as he stumbled up the stairs. He'd noticed the way everyone else at school was changing. Manny was growing up into a beautiful young woman but she was still the naive girl she'd always been and didn't know how to compensate for her actions. Emma was being more opinionated and independent. She was picking out her beliefs and sticking to them. Spinner had found his place amongst his peers, and even Paige had grown up. Ashley was changing the most out of everyone. She'd been in a downward spiral since her party at the end of grade eight. But she was getting better. He thought it had something to do partly with Craig. Then there was Ellie. Ellie was just as lost as him. Wanting to break the conformed mold of what a perfect student should be. 

            Sean smiled dopily as she stumbled up the stairs. Ellie was a rebel. Sean was a rebel. He found his mind drifting to a concept in grade nine physics: _opposites attract, like charges repel_. So why wasn't Ellie repulsed by Sean? Why didn't he and Emma fit anymore? It didn't matter. Rebels break rules. He and Ellie were breaking the rules of science. She never looked down on him for hanging with Jay, even though she disliked him. She never looked down on him for drinking, even though she didn't like the idea that he could turn into his parents or someone like her mother. She never looked down on him as person. She used to say to him: _"What people do doesn't make them who they are_." Sean wasn't sure what she meant then, but he understood it now. Sean fell onto his bed, still in his clothes from the day. He stared at the ceiling blankly. Still thinking of Ellie. _Would she still not look down on him if she knew he stole Mr. Simpson's computer?_ Inside he felt his heart break at the thought that Ellie would hate him. He knew Emma would. Sean slowly closed his eyes and drifted off into sleep. Not remembering the events of the night. 

            __

_            "Have another Sean" Jay said pushing another drink into his hands. Sean gave a weary glance at the beer in the cup and was wondering whether he could control himself tonight. Not wanting to be a drag he took the cup but refused to drink. It would be his third glass tonight. The aroma of the alcohol reached his nostrils and he found himself wanting more. He began to have a battle of reason inside his head between his brain and his heart. Needless to say, his heart lost; His brain gave into the chemical need for the beer and he chugged another cup. _

_            " Hey Sean" Jules muttered seductively. She had this look in her eye. She wanted him so badly tonight, and considering he wasn't sober, he wouldn't spurn her like last time. Sean cocked his head in recognition and stumbled to get away. " No, Sean don't go, I just want to talk." she lied well._

_            'She's lying' Sean thought to himself, 'but she's such a good liar.' Sean sighed and agreed to head upstairs to Jay's parents' bedroom to talk with Jules. As they walked up the stairs Jules grabbed two more cups and smirked to herself. Sean tossed his empty cup aside and fell back onto the bed. His head was spinning and he was hoping that he wouldn't do anything stupid. But he couldn't guarantee it. _

_            "Where have you been lately Sean?" she asked handing him another cup. He tried to refuse it, but his head wouldn't let him. He **needed** that glass. He **needed** that beer. **He couldn't control it**_**. **_Sean took a drink and shrugged. _

_            " I heard you've been seeing this Avril-wannabe" Jules said slyly, completely putting Ellie down. "What's her name, Ellie?"_

_            "yea, Ellie and she's not an Avril-wannabe, Avril makes her sick to her stomach" he said coyly. _

_            "Oh" Jules said disappointed. Sean was sticking up for her, Jules was losing in the game of seduction. " Well that's cool"_

_             "Yea...very cool" he said trying to not let his drunken stature show through. He stood up to leave and head home. And then pulled on her secret weapon. She started crying. Sean sighed. Because as much as he wanted to be a bad boy, he was really a chivalrous knight. He sat back down on the bed. "What's wrong Jules?" _

_            " You don't want me...You think I'm ugly" she sobbed._

_            "You're not ugly Jules, and you're right, I don't want you, because I want Ellie."_

_            "What's wrong with me?" she cried._

_            "Nothing Jules...there's nothing wrong with you" he answered tilting her chin up and helping her dry her **oh so fake** tears. She sniffled and the sobs died down in her chest. _

_            "really?" she asked._

_            "really" Sean answered. _

_            Jules got the biggest grin on her face and she reached out and grabbed the back of Sean's neck and pulled him close, planting her lips on his and pressuring him into opening his mouth. She drove her tongue inside his mouth and began massaging and feeling her way around. Sean tried his best to stop. He tried pushing but his hormones could not be subdued as he body ached for more. He wanted Jules to be Ellie, but his body didn't care. His head once again overruled his heart. _

When Sean woke up the next morning with a massive hangover the last thing he remembered from the night before was leaving the party. He had a horrible feeling in his gut that something happened that he would regret. And then he ran down the hall to the bathroom where he threw up in the toilet.

****

            Ellie walked laughing with Marco about the night before in which he had band practice with **_the guys_**. Apparently Spinner had finished off five cans of jalapeno spray cheese and was _passing gas _as Marco so nicely put it, all night long. 

            "And then" Marco continued, " He was almost to the point of tears, whining about how his ass was on fire from the jalapeno flavoring in the cheese. Ellie's eyes watered from laughter as she caught a glimpse, through the glass windows, of Spinner trying to sit down in homeroom and wincing every time his rear end touched a molecule of the chair. The pair stopped off at Ellie's locker to change a set of books when she noticed Sean down the hall. His head was stuck in his locker as he held his head, looking a sickly green. Ellie gently closed her locker and told Marco she'd see him in homeroom and headed off down the hall to Sean's locker.

            "Hey" Ellie said sweetly, tucking her notebooks into her bag as she leaned against the row of lockers next to Sean. Sean turned his head and looked at Ellie. His eyes looked happy; he tried to smile; his body wouldn't let him. He looked so sick. Ellie just wanted to take him home and put him to bed, in a non-sexual way of course. She was hoping that he wasn't seriously ill. "You okay?" she asked.

            Sean shook his head. "Hangover" he muttered. Ellie looked a bit disappointed but didn't turn away. She raised her hand up to his forehead and brushed away a bead of sweat from his clammy forehead. Sean calmed down at the touch of her hand. His face seemed to gain a bit more of a healthy glow as Ellie ran her hand down his cheek and gently kissed him on the lips. 

            "Feel better?" she asked, hoping he'd try. Sean nodded. Ellie quickly pecked him on the cheek and rushed down the hall to her homeroom. Jules watched from the end of the row of lockers as Ellie kissed him and hopped off down the hallway. 

            "Feeling better?" Jules mocked. Sean spun around. He didn't feel like dealing with Jules. He tried to walk to homeroom but didn't make it very far before the bell rang and Jules grabbed his arm. "wait, can we talk about last night?" she asked.

            "As far as I know I don't remember a thing" Sean answered honestly.

            " Really, because I remember **_a whole lot_**, especially what happened upstairs" she said grinning from ear to ear. " I'm sure I could refresh your memory"

            "Well whatever happened, forget it happened, because I don't want to remember."

            "That's it Sean? That's all I am to you, a quick fuck and you're done with me?" Jules said crying. She was lying of course. Somewhere in between the kissing and Jules struggling to get his shirt off as they fell back on the bed, he'd mistakenly called her Ellie. And messing with something like that would be enough to destroy Jules inside. She couldn't have that kind of guilt hanging over her head. So this was the only way she could get Sean, by tricking him into it. 

            "What are you talking about?" he asked, his eyes wide and the sickly green color coming back to his face.

            "I'm talking about last night" Jules said drying her eyes and placing her hands on her curvy hips. Sean looked straight into her eyes hoping to find the slightest glimmer of a lie. And he did. And at that point, Sean walked away. Jules reached out for him but he spun around and backed her into the lockers , pinning his arms on each side of her, staring straight into her eyes. 

            " You're lying Jules and I know it. I don't like liars, they make me sick. Now stop fuckin' around with me, because I don't need your petty bullshit" he said simply and calmly, not allowing himself to overreact. He pushed himself away from the lockers and walked down the hall, digging his hands deep into the pockets of his deep blue baggy jeans. His fists balled up, completely stressed. 

****

            Ellie walked outside during lunch and found Sean laying face up across a bench outside the school. She walked over to the bench, lifted Sean's head up, and sat down, resting his head back down in her lap. "Feeling better?" she asked. 

            "Yes and No" he muttered truthfully. Ellie gently played with his scruffy hair and looked down into his beautiful blue-green eyes. 

            "What's wrong now?" Ellie asked earnestly. 

            " Promise you won't hate me?" he asked. Ellie stopped playing this his hair and her heart began to beat quickly. She was scared that he was going to tell her something that could very well break her heart. 

            " I can't promise anything" she answered, causing him to sigh.

            " I was at Jay's house and I was drinking, and well...I think Jules might have kissed me. I really don't remember much of what happened but I know I didn't want it to, I promise you th-"

            "Shh" Ellie said pressing her fingers to his lips as he started to ramble, "it's okay" she said sweetly. She knew there was a judgment impairment that came with drinking, and the fact that he didn't lie to her was the best thing anyone has ever done for her. "thank you" 

            "why?" 

            " because you told me before I could find out, because you told me the truth." 

            Sean smiled weakly and sat up, leaned over and kissed Ellie gently on the forehead. From the front of the school Jules watched jealously. And from across the lot Emma watched in worry. **_For Ellie_**.  "Here, listen to this" Ellie said taking her CD player out of her pocket and handing it to Sean. "last track" she said before walking back in the school after the lunch period was over. 

            Sean slipped the headphones on over his ears and pressed play on Ellie's player and indulged himself in the last and final song on the album. He smiled as he listened to the lyrics. They made him want to live out the James Dean,  the rebel without a cause dream.

_Walk the fields and we stare at the ocean  
Roll the wheel but forget the notion  
Life was better before was smaller  
The minds computer will fuck the world up  
  
Feels like a dream  
I know you want it  
Don't feel supreme  
Nobody got it   
  
World  
c'mon fuck the world  
c'mon fuck the world  
c'mon fuck the world  
  
Walk the fields and we stare at the ocean  
Roll the wheel but forget the notion  
Life was better before was smaller  
The minds computer will fuck the world up  
  
Feels like a dream  
I know you want it  
Don't feel supreme  
Nobody got it   
  
World  
c'mon fuck the world  
c'mon fuck the world  
c'mon fuck the world  
  
Fuck the world, don't  
Fuck the world, don't  
Fuck the world, don't  
Fuck the world, don't  
  
World  
c'mon fuck the world  
c'mon fuck the world  
c'mon fuck the world  
  
c'mon fuck the world_

_c'mon fuck the world_

_c'mon fuck the world_

_c'mon fuck the world_

_c'mon fuck the world_

_****_

AN: OOh look at that, a little over a week right? I'm amazed with myself. I was feeling the urge to write today and this chapter just spilled out on the computer screen and I couldn't stop until I finished this chapter. I'm kinda disappointed in myself for what I did to Sean, but it had to be done. And I personally like his reaction to Jules' lie...Oh and the new song at the top is "Like the Angel" by Rise Against...and the end song is "Fuck the World" by the Vines.

**Quick Thanks: Cindy, banana-milk-shake, bookdragon14, and Angel Lily...**

**trucalifornian: The band's name is Mae, and I think the song is "Sun" Yea the detention thing is really just to sorta keep the show intact within the story, because I'm anal retentive about things like that...I dunno...ha**

**justanotherdream: actually Drama Club is going great. I'm so excited for Thursday because we are throwing together a "CoffeeHouse Poetry Night" thing...I hope the EllieXSean action this chapter was a little more to your liking, even though it was really cutsey...**

**musikchik: really it has been a long time since you reviewed, we missed you...or...blah I missed you! hahaha**

**orange crush3: Girrrrrl. I don't like Ash too much either, but I hate how people and fans of the show are giving her such a hard time. I mean that's my opinion, she has serious issues, and she's just like everyone else out there, trying to find herself. I just want her to be a little bit happy. **

**that's all folllks...see ya'll soon...**

**Oh...this Chapter is for Joe, cause it twas his birthday yesterday!...xoxoxo**


	17. Christmas Christmas

**Numb**

_the__ seas part when they hit the floor,  
the voices carry on and out the door  
and everything you touch turns into gold_

Ellie sat on the couch nervously a needle between her index finger and thumb as she curled her legs up and underneath her as she threaded popcorn on a string, letting it fall on her black pleated skirt. She looked up smiling as she noticed her father stringing lights up on the small evergreen tree in their living room. She wanted to laugh as she noticed the tree sway from side to side and her father wrapped up entangled in Christmas lights. Sean and Tracker were coming over to celebrate the holidays in a short while and they were still trying to decorate the house with "cheer." Ellie finished stringing popcorn and popped a piece in her mouth as she got up off the couch and fixed her red hair back into a messy pony tail and helped her father with the lights before he electrocuted himself while her mother finished cooking in the kitchen.

" Thank you Ellie-bear, I didn't think I'd make it out of there alive" Greg said joking as he stepped away from the tree and gently began hanging small delicate decorations on the trees branches as Ellie gathered her string of popcorn and hung it loosely on the tree. Greg smiled as he picked up a small picture frame decoration. It was small and was shaped like the face of a teddy bear and had a picture of Ellie's smiling face in the center.

_"Look what we made in pwe-school" Ellie said happily as she reached into her small pink book bag and pulled out a small picture framed Christmas tree decoration. Greg smiled as he pulled Ellie into his lap. Inside the picture frame was the smiling face of his baby girl. _

_ " You know what this means," he said bouncing Ellie on his knee. _

_ " What?" she asked innocently._

_ " I'll have to call you Ellie-bear from now on" _

_ Ellie giggled and slipped back onto the floor and skipped off to help her mother bake cookies before guests arrived for the holidays. Greg stood up and walked over to the Christmas tree and gently hung the tiny decoration on one of the many tree branches and stood back and admired._

"Looks perfect" he said to himself.

The doorbell rang. Greg found himself looking from the picture framed decoration to his daughter as she rushed to answer the door, but not before fixing her hair in the mirror. "She's growing up to fast" he said to himself. Ellie returned to the living room with her hand entwined with the hand of a young man with his unruly hair hid under a black beanie. Sean managed to look respectable in a pair of fitted khakis and a clean black sweater. Tracker seemed to look good as well. He trimmed his hair and shaved, and threw on some of the clothes from the better half of his closet. Greg walked over to the young men and stuck out his hand, "I'm Greg Nash, Ellie's father, nice to meet you."

Sean reached out his hand and shook Greg's hand, "Sean Cameron, Ellie's boyfriend." Ellie couldn't help but try and stifle a laugh.

"Tracker Cameron, Sean's brother" Tracker said shaking Greg's hand as well.

Tracker seemed to get along well in a conversation with Judy and Greg while Ellie and Sean found themselves getting comfortable on the window seat facing the street. Ellie tugged off his beanie. "You're dad's nice" Sean managed to say as he rolled up his sleeves.

" Yea, he's my favorite" she answered. Sean laughed. Ellie realizing what she had said chuckled at her own comment. Sean leaned his back against a small portion of the wall and pulled Ellie to sit in between his legs and gently wrapped his arms around her petite frame and together they watched the snow fall outside.

Christmas carols were resounding through the room via the record player in the corner. Ellie found herself humming "_God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen_" as she leaned her head back against Sean's chest. "Hey you two" Greg interrupted, "Dinner's on the table."

* * *

Ellie blushed feverishly as her father's eyes locked onto her and Sean. She felt like her father was eyeing her like a target. She gently grabbed Sean's hand and led him into the dining room and sat at the rounded table between Sean and her dad as they said grace and carved the roast.

" And then she had the nerve of…"

Ellie's mother droned on with her countless _guest entertaining tales_. Ellie had heard them all. She looked over to Tracker and he seemed to politely be listening and nodding accordingly with the story. Ellie's eyes wandered and she noticed her father staring as she held Sean's hand. She burned a feverish red yet again. Ellie turned and nuzzled her face into Sean's hair, "Wanna go outside?" she whispered. She could feel him nod his answer and they stood up slowly. "Sean and I are going outside for a bit, it's just a bit hot in here."

" That's fine dear" Judy answered as she continued her story, "chocolate pudding, she got knocked back into a vat of chocolate pudding."

Tracker laughed.

Greg watched as his baby girl walked out the door with **a boy**. But she was smiling. He could barely remember the last Christmas he had seen her smiling. The last time they had actually spent the holidays together…

_Winter in __British Columbia__.__ But a Christmas in __Nova Scotia__.__ It was the third time they had moved in the past two months and the entire Nash family was exhausted. Greg scooped Ellie out of the car with ease and carried her into the still unfurnished house. All their belongings were still in boxes. It was Christmas Eve, and they didn't even have a tree. Ellie stirred in her father's arms, only to fall instantly back asleep. It was two hours til __midnight__ and they had no tree, no decorations, and at the moment, their gifts were still arriving from __British Columbia__. They were staying on base this time and luckily the army had provided the family with cots. Greg laid Ellie down on one of the small cots and joined his wife in the living room. _

_ "I'm getting sick of unpacking and packing again in a matter of weeks, Greg." Judy complained. _

_ " You're not the only one, but I don't have a choice," he answered. _

_ Judy sighed and opened a box of Christmas decorations and casually hung them around the living room, " do you know how disappointed she'll be if she wakes up on Christmas without a tree?" _

_ Greg looked up. Christmas was Ellie's favorite holiday. And Christmas without a tree was like a stake through the heart to a child of seven. He stood up and brushed off his civvies. _

_ "Where are you going?" Judy asked. _

_ "To get a damn tree" he answered. _

_ It was about an hour later when Greg walked back through the door. The entire living room was decorated, minus the tree. Judy walked in from the kitchen where she was fixing up a meal. "Did you get a tree?" she asked. _

_ Greg walked back out the door and came back in with a tall potted plant. It looked like a tropical plant. Judy covered her mouth and tried not to laugh. "Best I could do" he said putting the plant in the corner and lazily began to decorate it. _

Ellie had woken up the next morning, smiling and laughing at her father's Christmas tree. But it made her happy. She didn't get her presents on Christmas that year, but she had her family together, and that made her smile. Greg could easily watch the couple through the window and smiled. Ellie was happy.

* * *

" I got you something" Sean mumbled as Ellie closed the door. Ellie stumbled back. She hadn't expected a gift. Sure she got Sean a present but she hadn't expected one from him. She just always liked to give gifts. It didn't really matter whether she got any or not. Sean dug into his pockets and pulled out a mix tape. " I don't have a CD burner or anything, so…"

"No…it's fine, really" She said blushing, "I'll listen to it later."

Sean was looking around on Ellie's porch while he rocked back and forth on his heels. Then his eyes fell upon something small dangling from the roof of the porch, directly above Ellie. "Excuse me Ellie Nash, I think you should look up." He said, pulling her into his arms.

" at wha…" Ellie stopped talking as she noticed the mistletoe hanging directly above her and Sean, looking over at him she smiled as he smirked pulling her into an innocent kiss. They pulled apart and Ellie was beaming. "Let's go back inside I have something for you too."

Ellie bent down under the tree and pulled out four wrapped gifts and handed one to her mother, father, Tracker, and then to finally one to Sean. She sat down on the couch between Sean and Tracker and felt all four sets of eyes on her. Her mother slowly pulled back the wrapping of the tiny box and opened it to find inside several hand written poems that Ellie had written and a silver locket with her mother and hers picture inside. Immediately Judy started to cry and rushed over to hug her daughter. With the holiday season the way it started the way it was she couldn't help but get emotional. Next to open a gift was Greg who tore at the wrapping paper to find a small picture timeline of him and Ellie framed, and ready to back to Kabul with him. Next all eyes were on Tracker.

"Ellie, you really didn't have to" he protested.

" Just open it" she answered nudging him with her elbow.

Tracker opened the gift to find a small keychain for his motorcycle and a new helmet that she had designed and airbrushed on the smooth black helmet. He was in awe, "Thanks Ellie, thanks a lot." He said running his hand smoothly over the glossy helmet. Ellie looked over at Sean.

Sean was scared to open his gift, worried that his would pale in comparison to hers. Sean opened the small package to find inside a CD case decorated artistically by Ellie herself. She'd made him a burned CD. He smiled. "Great mind's think alike" he said referring to the mix tape he'd given her.

* * *

With a kiss goodnight and a wave good bye Tracker and Sean left. Ellie sat in front of the mirror on her dresser brushing out her red hair and staring at her clean, un marked face. She was glowing. Fumbling with the handles on her dresser drawers she opened them and pulled out a pair of red plaid pajama pants and a black tank top and pulled them on. She grabbed the black mix tape off her dresser top and put in her stereo and began to listen. Amongst the static she heard a voice. "Um, is this thing working?" Ellie laughed, it was Sean's voice.

" Yea, Cameron it's working…" It was Craig.

"You ready man?" Sean asked. Ellie assumed Craig had nodded. She listened intently as she heard Craig begin strumming on his acoustic guitar. She knew the cords, she knew the song. Then she heard Sean **_try_** to sing. He wasn't bad, but he wasn't Jason Wade:

_this time what I want is you  
there is no one else  
who can take your place  
this time you burn me with your eyes  
you see past all the lies  
you take it all away  
I've seen it all  
and it's never enough  
it keeps leaving me needing you  
  
take me away  
take me away  
I've got nothing left to say  
just take me away  
  
I try to make my way to you  
but still I feel so lost  
I don't know what else I can do  
I've seen it all  
and it's never enough  
it keeps leaving me needing you  
  
take me away  
take me away  
I've got nothing left to say  
just take me away  
  
don't give up on me yet  
don't forget who I am  
I know I'm not there yet  
but don't let  
me stay here alone  
  
this time what I want is you  
there is no one else  
who can take your place  
I've seen enough and it's never enough  
it keeps leaving me needing you  
  
take me away  
take me away  
I've got nothing left to say  
just take me away  
  
take me away  
take me away  
I've got nothing left to say  
just take me away_

Ellie hadn't noticed it but had started to cry. He had sung her favorite song. Mind you it wasn't the best rendition she'd ever heard, but it came straight from his heart. Other songs began to play on the tape and they literally ranged from alternative, to eighties punk rock, to rap, to soulful jazz tunes. All songs that she thought had described their relationship. Ellie had curled up under the covers and had fallen asleep listening to Sean's mix tape. She smiled as she slept.

* * *

Ellie at in the audience as she watched JT look a fool hosting the cultural Holiday Pageant at the school, she'd only come to support Ashley, and she wouldn't admit to herself that she found it rather amusing, especially Marco playing his accordion. The lights dimmed a bit and Ellie straightened up in her seat as the spot light fell on Craig and Ashley.

Craig began to play a few notes and sing, granted she was glad Craig didn't sing on the tape, and then she noticed Ashley's eyes burned like they wanted to cry. Ellie watched as Ashley turned to Craig, who'd stop playing, and slapped him straight across the face. She stood up and quickly rushed off stage in a rash of embarrassment. Ellie jumped to her feet and beat the rush of Kendra's Chinese dragon train entering the auditorium. She found Ashley sitting in the hallway with a flood of tears streaming down her face.

" What happened?" Ellie asked sliding down the wall next to the upset girl.

" Am I really that bad?" Ashley asked, "Am I really that much of a screw up that I can't do anything right?"

" Ash what are you talking about, you're not a screw up" Ellie answered.

" Then why did he cheat on me?" Ashley said looking up and wiping her eyes.

" He what?" Ellie shrieked.

" With Manny?" Ashley answered in between sobs. " I mean what did I do wrong?"

_With Manny_? Ellie thought. Granted the grade nine was pretty, but she reminded Ellie of Craig's half sister Angie. "You didn't do anything wrong" Ellie said, pulling Ashley's head onto her shoulder, letting her cry, "He's just a jerk, with too much testosterone to handle."

" I want to die, Ellie, I can't handle this." Ashley muttered.

" No you don't"

" **yes** I do," she said crying harder, "I can't handle this after everything that's happened."

" Ash, you've made it this far without cracking, why let it break you down even more?"

Ashley sighed and slowly stopped crying. "You still coming over to exchange gifts?"

" Of course" Ellie answered and helped her friend to her feet before leaving the school.

**

* * *

**

**A/N: Holy Bejesus it took me a long while. But I'm finally back. I don't know for how long but I'm back. I had a lot of issues with my main computer and lost have the original plot for this chapter on there. But I finally recovered some of it for my lap top. It's been hell with out my baby. Just wanted finally get something up so ya'll don't think I deserted. P.S. That song was "Take me Away" by Lifehouse**

**Quick Thanks: to everyone. I'm too lazy to go through the list this time around.**

**Orange Crush3- Ah Rhian, it took me so long to finally piece it all together. Personally far too long I think this time. falls over It took too much out of me to finally get this chapter out. **

**Honestly guys, I'd usually respond to the massive reviews, but even tonight I'm too tired. **

**edit Thanks Rhian, I fixed it!**

**P.S. This Chapter is for Arthur (Cause he's on tour) and to my bestest friend right now Willie whose become my savior when Arthur isn't around. And also to Ryan (my roommate for the fall 3) and finally for Ethan, cause I want him back from NY so we can chat some more. **


	18. broken rubber bands

**Numb**

_like the angel you are you laugh creating a lightness in my chest,  
your eyes they penetrate me,  
(your answer's always 'maybe')  
that's when I got up and left_

Ellie drug her feet as she trudged through the snow on her way home from Ashley house. Ellie almost felt sick being in high spirits around her. Ashley barely left her room the entire night, in fact the exchange of gifts took place in Ashley's room. The windows blocked any ounce of light that would come in, and the she wouldn't turn on the lights. The only source of illuminate came from the small tea candles on the night stand next to her bed. Ashley wrapped herself up in a blanket and refused the outside world completely. She wore sweatpants and her hair hadn't been brushed in days, and she hadn't even bother to wash the mascara off her face and still ran down her cheeks.

Ashley was miserable.

Utterly miserable.

Ellie was in such a bright mood during this holiday season that it made her feel guilty when she was around Ashley in her over dramatic depression of a mood. They exchanged gifts nonetheless. Ashley had a smile on her face for a short moment in time when she opened one of Ellie's handmade gifts, a photo shop edited picture of Craig's head in flames and another with several arrows going through his head. It made her chuckle with delight to even see a photo shopped picture of Craig in pain. Ellie gave her a few vintage band tee shirts from the thrift store and some pins for her bag. It brightened Ashley's day just a bit. Ellie had gotten a few little trinkets Ashley knew she would like and that was that.

As Ellie walked home in the twilight hour before sunset she felt her rear end become cold and wet. She spun around, her red hair flying about her face. Sean was standing behind her, loading another snowball into the pad of his gloves, and threw it playfully. "Hey!" Ellie whined, pulling her hands out of her leather jacket and scooping some snow into her hand and pelted it in Sean's direction. Sean dove out of the way and laughed as he face planted into a pile of fresh snow. Ellie walked over to him and stood above him. "You can dish it, but can't take it?" she asked, her hands on her hips. Sean rolled over, and stared up at the girl. She looked so tall from his angle, and every feature on her face, they way her lips were carved to a beautiful smirk, the way the snow stuck to her hair and they way she was wearing barely any makeup, save her classic black eyeliner made her look like a punk rock angel. He leaned himself forward and grabbed her legs at the knees and pulled her down on top of him and into the snow.

"Hey" he said softly, tucking some of her hair behind her ears.

Ellie just smiled and rolled her eyes, "smooth Sean…"

"I try" he muttered before planting his lips on hers. Ellie bit down on his lower lip and tugged gently before falling back into the kiss, and completely losing herself in him. It was a good few minutes before she broke away.

"I'm wet" she said laughing.

"Oh we are, are we?" He said smirking. Ellie's eyes widened and she slapped him.

"Not like that you perv!" she said trying to stand up.

" I don't make you wet?" he asked pouting, and then laughing. Ellie rolled her eyes as he pulled her back down. "Because I'd really like to get you soaking wet." Ellie just rolled her eyes again and struggled to get away from him as he balled up another snow ball with his free hand and swiftly shoved it down the front of Ellie's shirt. She jumped to her feet and started shaking around in a dance like form trying to get the snow out of her shirt.

" Sean…I hate you!" she shrieked.

Sean just laid there in the snow laughing, "And I just adore you Ellie Nash"

Ellie looked down at him and laughed, "adore?" she asked, " you're expanding your vocabulary." She leaned down and pecked him on the cheek and bundled her hands deep into the pockets of her leather jacket and walked home.

* * *

" I can't believe he put us in separate rooms" Ellie muttered as she dropped her bag on the table and pulled out her journal and tape recorder. She kept rewinding the tape and listening to Sean's voice, "Yea, …because I steal it." Her face fell again. The way he had so easily admitted it scared her. Like he wasn't even sorry about what he had done. Ellie scribbled some notes down in her journal and then turned the page…

**_To Expose…_**

**_Or Not to Expose…_**

**_That is the Question…_**

She read over the words she had just written and tapped her pen a few times before slamming her journal shut and throwing her stuff into her bag. She slowly opened the door and slunk over to the classroom Hazel was stuck in and opened the door. "We can't just sit here for three hours" Ellie said, "what do you say we get out of here?" Hazel's eyes lit up.

"You know, you're pretty cool Miss Nash" she said and grabbed her purse and went to get the boys.

Everyone thought about leaving Sean behind, but Ellie wouldn't have it. Not that she wanted everyone to know they were completely involved, and not just because they were, "No one gets left behind."

She heard Jimmy grumble in protest, but she wouldn't have it, she didn't care how much of a pain Sean was being towards everyone, it was a wall. She knew it, but they didn't.

The day went by in a blur. But what Ellie did remember was her and Sean's first fight. One that left her snapping her rubber bands against her wrists until they were raw and red, she hated fighting with people. By the time she got home she was a wreck, she expected the house to be empty, her father had returned with some troops to Kabul, and her mother was supposed to be at an AA meeting. The house was not empty. Her mother was sitting on the couch, staring at a shot glass full of vodka. Ellie wiped her tears.

"Mom?" she asked dropping her bag by the stairs and walking into the living room, "what are you doing home? Don't you have a meeting tonight?"

" I …I …I can't go, it's too hard" she said not taking her eyes off the shot glass.

" What are you doing?"

" I can have just one right?" Judy asked staring up at Ellie with puppy dog eyes.

"You shouldn't even have that in the house" Ellie answered, reaching for the glass. Judy slapped her hand away.

"It's just for comfort…to make sure it's there…incase I need it"

Ellie frowned, but understandingly, as she knew what it was like to keep something dangerous for comfort. Her mind floated to thoughts of her razor blades, pins and knives hidden in that wooden box.

" just...just…don't drink anything?" Ellie asked.

Judy shooed her away with a flick of her wrist and a swish of her hand. Ellie frowned and walked back to the stairs and grabbed her bag. She locked the door to her room and felt like a hypocrite as she reached under her bed and felt around for the small wooden box.

Her hands ran over the smooth wood grain as she pulled off the lid and pulled out a clean razor blade. Her eyes started to water. She didn't want to do this. She dropped the blade on the hard wood floor and snapped the rubber band against her wrist. She kept snapping harder and pulling the thing piece of rubber farther from her skin and suddenly as it struck her raw wrist it snapped. She hung her head. She couldn't take it anymore, with one swift motion she reached for the razor blade and pulled it quickly across the raw and swollen patch of skin around her wrist. "_One Cut_" she thought to herself. "_Just this one._" Ellie bit her lip. "Just one more" she whispered to no one. She felt nothing except a release as warm blood began flowing down her arm with every new cut she made.

Looking down she panicked and reached for something to stop the flow of blood down her arm. She grabbed a tee shirt that laid balled up nearby and wrapped it around her arm and raced to the bathroom. She fumbled through the medicine cabinet. "Shit" she muttered softly as she emptied the cabinet to find nothing but tooth paste and a tattoo band-aide. She slowly peeled back the tee shirt and started to breathe heavily as she noticed her arm hadn't stopped bleeding. She tied off the tee shirt and ran back to her room and grabbed her jacket and raced down the stairs.

"Goin' out Mom be back soon!" She shouted racing out the door.

* * *

" Just a sec" Tracker called out as walked to the door, grabbing a shirt on the way and pulling it on over his still shower fresh head. He had a date tonight, and he opened the door half expecting to see his girlfriend, and not expecting to see Ellie Nash, tear stained face and bloody tee shirt wrapped around her arm.

"Sean's not here is he?" she asked feeling so pathetic.

Tracker shook his head, "No, but when he gets home he'll never leave again…"

"No!" Ellie shrieked, "it's not his fault…we just fought…and my mom…" Ellie sniffled, "she's just home staring at the glass, …the rubber band…it broke…I …"

"Get inside" Tracker ordered and wrapped his arms around Ellie. She was shaking. But she wasn't at all cold. Her tears were dried and she just wouldn't stop dry sobbing.

"I tried to clean them up…but I only found toothpaste…" she said sitting down at the kitchen table while Tracker fumbled around for the first aid kit. "And…the rubber band it broke…"

Tracker just looked up at her. She wasn't even looking at him, she was just shaking and holding her arm, and rambling. He bit his lip and dropped the kit on the table and pulled out the hydrogen peroxide, butterfly stitches, and Neosporin.

" I didn't want to…but the rubber band broke…and it looked so pretty…I meant to throw them away, I did, but they were just so pretty and just looking at them made me feel better"

"Ellie…" Tracker said gently taking her hand, "relax, it's okay"

" I…I…I was doing good, right? Not cutting since Christmas is good right?"

"Very good Ellie, now let me see okay?" Tracker said pulling the tee shirt away from her arm, gently. "_oh__ my…_"

"I didn't mean to…I was only going to do one…but the first one looked so lonely." Ellie hung her head and reached her hand out to gently touched them Tracker grabbed her hand and moved it to the table.

" Let me clean them up first Ellie" he said softly. He looked up at her as he gently ran a cleansing pad over her arm, and she cringed and tried to pull her arm away, "No Ellie, we have to clean it up." He gently ran a pad of hydrogen peroxide over her cuts and they bubbled. He gently pinched together the cuts and closed them up with the butterfly stitches.

" only one…" she muttered.

" there's more than one Ellie" Tracker said as she took a cotton swab and gently coated each cut in Neosporin. "there's at least twelve here."

"I'm sorry"

" Ellie…what happened?" Tracker asked, "Why are you so upset?"

" we fought…I wasn't going to use the tape,…he hates me…and mom…she's…I dunno…I … the rubber band broke…it just broke" she said dropping her arms and her eyes watering up again, "it just broke…broke….it snapped."

Tracker walked around the table and she stood up to leave, "I'm sorry…I have to go…"she said.

"Ellie stop…"

" I didn't mean to…it snapped…broke…there wasn't anything else" she said falling into his arms.

"Ellie calm down…listen, go home…get into bed and get some sleep" Tracker said as he gently smoothed her hair with his hands. "Everything will be okay tomorrow morning." Tracker gently kissed her forehead and sent her home. He fell back onto the couch and rubbed his temples and let his arms fall into his lap. He looked down at his fore arms and bit his lip.

_"Leave" his father yelled, "Get the hell out of my house!" _

_Tracker backed himself into the corner. _

_" I said get the hell out of my house you lousy, worthless shit!" John Cameron shouted at his eldest son. "You don't do anything, then you come home and cut yourself to pieces. You make me sick" _

_"I don't do anything? Dad you having been to work in over a month! I go to my job everyday after school and bring home the food that gets put on this table."_

_John Cameron threw his fist at his son, hitting him square in the jaw. "Get your shit, and get the fuck out of **my** house."_

_Tracker grabbed a duffle bag and threw as much stuff as he could into it and walked out of the house. His hand went up to his jaw and felt it gently, it was swelling, and he could almost taste blood in his mouth. He slipped into an empty alley and reached into his pocket and pulled out his knife. _

_"This is for all the times you said I was an accident" he said dragging the knife across his bare forearm. "This is for all the times you came home drunk and I had to fix dinner for Sean and I" and cut another slice into his skin, "This is for all the times you should have been a parent" another cut. "This is for me…and how I should have been a better brother to Sean."_

"…Sean…it's me Sean, you know, you're brother?"

Tracker opened his eyes and Sean was standing in front of him waving his arms back and forth.

"Thought you were dead or something" Sean said digging his hands into his pockets, "um…Kemmie's waitin' for you" Tracker jumped to his feet and grabbed his shoes and slipped them on, grabbing his wallet he ran out the door.

Sean looked around the place and his eyes fell to the kitchen table where he saw a bloody tee shirt and the first aid kit. He didn't care what Tracker was doing, and just figured he was working on the bike and cut his hand or something, nothing to worry about. He fell back on the couch and flicked on the television.

* * *

"I'm home" Ellie said, her voice raw from crying. "Mom?"

Ellie walked into the living room and saw her mom curled up on the couch, a bottle of vodka clutched tightly to her chest. Ellie frowned and then noticed the shot glass still on the coffee table. **Still Full**. "_Just for comfort"_ she remembered her mother say. Ellie kissed her mother on the forehead and headed up to her room and picked up her razor and placed it back into the box and placed the lid on top and slipped it under her bed. She turned on her CD player and walked over to her desk as the music blared.

_wasted, paralyzed  
beneath ten thousand layers of disguise  
built to save  
what's left that has already worn away  
  
inside this vacant made-up plastic life  
only your heart survived  
one last cry  
  
one last cry  
one last cry  
how long (must i always remember all that i want to forget)  
until it's my day (my day)  
to die  
  
these broken animals  
useless as they are  
these broken animals  
as useless as they are  
these broken animals  
as useless as they are  
  
gravity gets to me  
holds me here  
without release  
now's the time  
to cut the line  
cross my heart  
i realize  
nights are long  
and hope is gone  
God help me  
make it home  
make it home  
  
(make it home, this time, yeah)_

Ellie started to laugh as she looked down at her stitched up arm. "Today was the worst day…ever" she laughed harder. She pulled open the drawer of her desk and found a bag of rubber bands and slipped one on her wrist. She knew the next morning she would be wearing her wrist warmers, and she'd be walking into Sauve's office. She walked over to her bed and fell back. "God help me make it home" she mouthed with the words, before she fell asleep.

Ellie walked up to Sean's locker as he was getting ready to leave. He looked up to see her slowly walking towards him and he tried to ignore her. "Come to record more confessions?"

"Sean I'm sorry"

"I don't care Ellie…you were using me…have you been using me this whole time?" He asked leaning in front of his locker, "just to get a good story for your Co-Op?"

"It's not like that Sean…I … I wasn't even going to use the story…here's the real tape?" she said opening her hand and giving it to him.

Sean looked at the tape in her hand and took it, tossed it in his locker and slammed it shut.

" so I don't freak you out?" Sean asked.

" god, if you think your freaky enough to freak me out, then you haven't been spending enough time with me" she said.

Sean grabbed her hand and interlocked their fingers. Ellie smiled.

* * *

**A/N….aaaah It's been so long. I'm sorry guys, but I'm in the midst of packing up my entire existence into boxes and moving for school and such. It's really sucking that I can't seem to find time to work on my stories and stuff. I don't have time to acknowledge everyone that reviewed I just want to thank you all for doing so. It makes me happy to get that little email from and stuff…oh and that song is _By All Accounts (Today was a disaster)_ by Emery. And more when I can, promise…meanwhile. I wanted to mention something…scratches head I can't remember what…it was something important too…blah…oh well....oh yea, as you can prolly guess i'm slowly starting to speeeeeed up the story...like how it slowly jumps from the holidays to Saturday Detention, and I kept that bit loose because i'm sure you allll know what happens during that episode and stuff...**

**Oh...To Arthur and Willie I'm going to miss you guys sooo much**


	19. rocky road

**Numb**

_a beating heart and a microphone,  
a ticking clock in an empty home  
still tells of these times so long ago,  
and even though I've come so far, I know  
I've got so far to go and any day now I'll explode_

"Could things get any worse?" Ellie asked herself as she walked to school. At that exact moment a bus drove by and threw a puddle, splashing Ellie with cold, dirty water that sat stagnant in the street. She threw her head back and sighed, snapping her rubber band against her wrist. The new year had started out great, and like usual her mother swore off drinking, especially when Greg was home on leave. But it seemed like it only took a few weeks for things to return to normal in the Nash household. Normal was Judy Nash draped across the couch, a perfume of strong liquor diffusing into the air from the open bottle in her hands. This angered Ellie, because if she try to stop cutting, her mother could try harder to stop drinking.

"Penny for your thoughts?" a voice said, taking Ellie out of her reverie. Ellie smiled. She looked at Sean as he held out a handful of change, "not like I can afford it." Ellie laughed and closed his hand, and leaned in to kiss him.

" keep the change, this one's on me" she said smiling brighter and pressing her lips to his. She could feel Sean smiling as they kissed and his wrapped his arms around her waist. The late bell rang, and resounded through out the school, interrupted the kiss and Ellie and Sean parted ways reluctantly in front of Sean's homeroom.

* * *

"What are you staring at Em?" Manny asked as they stood on the school steps waiting for the bell to ring. Emma's sights were set on Sean and Ellie playing the roll of the perfect couple. They were giving Paige and Spinner a run for their money. Manny followed Emma's gaze and raised an eyebrow as she realized it was Sean she was staring at. "I thought you were over him."

" I am…" Emma said reluctantly, "I'm just…"

"jealous?" Manny inserted.

"No…I'm just worried about Ellie, I mean does she know what he's like?"

Manny laughed, "I'd think so, she's been going out with him since before holiday break."

Emma looked at Manny in disbelief, had it been that long? Emma hadn't even realized it, she was so preoccupied with Chris, and recreating a bond between her and Manny to really pay any attention to her ex-boyfriend's life. But now, now it seemed very interesting. The bell rang and Emma and Manny began to make their way to their homeroom. From her seat Emma watched from the window as Sean and Ellie shared a sweet and simple kiss and smiled at each other.

Sean noticed that Emma was staring at him as he walked into the room and took his seat. He raised and eyebrow and leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms, "having fun Emma?"

Emma was drawn out of her gaze. "Huh?"

" I asked if you were having fun, it seemed like it the way you've been staring at me for the past few moments."

"Sorry…I was just thinking, maybe you should groom your eyebrows, they bug me."

"Ouch,…that burns Emma…"Sean said, not amused at all by her comeback.

"As it should…do me a favor and leave me alone…or go steal something."

" hey, " Sean said leaning over the table, "you shouldn't have been staring at me."

"I'm sorry if I was easily attracted to your eyebrows."

"it doesn't take much to attract you does it?"

Emma stared at him furiously, "what the hell is that supposed to mean?!" she shouted angrily as she rose to her feet. The entire room turned towards her as her voice rose to a shout. Emma blushed furiously as the entire room was staring at her. She slipped back into her seat. "leave me alone Sean, or I'll be sure to let Ellie know what you're really like."

Sean laughed, "she already does Emma…and for once someone actually likes me for the fucked up piece of trailer trash I am," he said with a bright smile across his face. Emma turned away and slipped far down into her seat, pouting.

Sean kicked his legs up on the table in front of him and slipped on his headphones and waited for the bell to ring so he could head off to meet with Jay and Alex for auto shop.

* * *

Ashley sat at the table, poking at her lunch emotionlessly. Clad head to toe in black, she seemed to be tumbling backwards. Her eyes were surrounded by black eyeliner and mascara that seemed threatened to run down her cheeks in rivers every time Craig entered thoughts or appeared in line of view.

Ellie slipped into the seat across from Ashley, "how are you holding up?" she asked, twirling some of Shelia's spaghetti onto her fork. Ashley looked up and said nothing, just looked at Ellie with a miserable look on her face. "Forget him Ash, he's not even worth crying over."

"Easy for you to say…you have a boyfriend." Ashley spat.

"Ash…you don't need to have a boyfriend to be happy, Craig was a jerk, you can do so much better."

"I don't want to do better," Ashley's eyes threatened to burst the dam holding back her tears. "He was everything I ever wanted." Ashley looked over to his lunch table and frowned. "I'm not hungry." Ashley got up from the table and scraped her uneaten food into the trash and dumped her tray before leaving the cafeteria.

Ellie dropped her fork and let her head fall into her hands before slipping backwards into her chair. She was sitting alone. "Hey El…" Paige shouted over the hustle and bustle of the cafeteria. Ellie frowned, _"please don't let her be playing sainthood again_" Ellie hoped as she grabbed her tray and feebly made her way over to Paige's table. She slipped into the seat next to Marco and silently ate her lunch.

Paige watched Ellie eat her lunch. She knew that Ellie wouldn't talk to anyone at the table, but she just didn't want Ellie sitting alone, by herself, at the table. "Don't mind Ash, she'll get moody when things don't go how she dreamt them up." Paige said. Ellie looked up.

"Paige, it's more than things not going her way…"

"Look, Ellie, I've known Ash longer than you…I think I know when she's just being a negative nanc…"

"Look **Paige**, you may have known Ash longer, but I think I know her better. I'm sorry you've never been cheated on before,…"

"but Ashley knows what it's like to cheat…she'll get over it hon."

Ellie frowned and disconnected herself from everyone at the table and finished her lunch. After dumping her tray she walked over to Sean's table. She felt even more out of place here than at Paige's table. At least at Paige's table she had Marco, and Jimmy was decent too. In fact they were all pretty nice to her, but Jay? Jay and Alex, and Jules, they never wanted her in their circle, they always gave her the cold shoulder.

"Hey El" Sean said pecking her on the cheek. Ellie blushed uncomfortably as she felt the gang's gaze burn through her. "What's wrong?" Sean asked as Ellie stiffened while sitting at the table.

"Nothing…just tired" she said smiling. Sean looked at her and raised an eyebrow, but Ellie just threw him a look telling him to forget it. Sean shook it off and continued to talk cars with Jay, Alex, and Jules while Ellie pulled out a notebook and began to write. She wasn't writing anything unparticular, just words, random words that spilled onto the paper like tears that she wished she'd shed instead of blood. She immersed herself completely into her prose and seemed to bleed ink onto the paper. It was the touch of Sean's hand on her shoulder that pulled her out of her own little world.

"bell rang…" he said. Ellie looked up and around, the cafeteria was empty. Ellie closed the notebook and slid it into her bag and stood up. "hey" Sean said grabbing her arm and pulling her close, "you sure you're okay?" he said pouting and looking concerned.

"I'm fine, don't worry about me" she said convincingly and then kissed him before dragging him off to walk to class.

* * *

Ellie appeared on the front steps of the Kerwin/ Isaacs house and knocked on the door. Kate Kerwin answered the door and breathed a sigh of relief. "She's miserable…hasn't eaten anything in days, I don't know what to do with her." She said moving to allow Ellie into the house. Ellie looked around, it made her sick, happy family, happy home. Thinking like that made her sick on top of that. "I didn't think a teenage girl could be so depressed over a break up." Ellie frowned and nodded, "she's upstairs in her room…oh wait…" Kate said, stopping Ellie before she could make her way upstairs. Kate disappeared into the kitchen and came back with a pint of rocky road ice cream and a spoon. " usually I wouldn't condone her eating junk, but she hasn't eaten anything and I'd rather have her eat this than nothing at all." Kate smiled and handed Ellie the ice cream and the spoon and leaned against the banister as Ellie walked up the stairs. Ashley's room was blasting music.

Ellie knocked on the door. No response, "Ash, it's me…can I come in." She heard a mumble from beyond the door and couldn't make out the words with the music so loud. "I'm coming in _Miss-Doom-and-Gloom_." Ellie opened the door and found Ashley draped across her bed. Ellie recognized the song and made her way closer to Ashley as the lyrics boomed in her head:

_So this is odd,  
the painful realization that has all gone wrong.  
And nobody cares at all,  
and nobody cares at all.  
  
So you buried all your lover's clothes  
and burned the letters lover wrote,  
but it doesn't make it any better.  
Does it make it any better?  
And the plaster dented from your fist  
in the hall where you had your first kiss  
reminds you that the memories will fade.  
  
So this is strange,  
our sidestepping has come to be a brilliant dance  
where nobody leads at all,  
where nobody leads at all.  
  
And the picture frames are facing down  
and the ringing from this empty sound  
is deafening and keeping you from sleep.  
And breathing is a foreign task  
and thinking's just too much to ask  
and you're measuring your minutes by a clock that's blinking eights.  
  
This is incredible.  
Starving, insatiable,  
yes, this is love for the first time.  
Well you'd like to think that you were invincible_.  
_Yeah, well weren't we all once before we felt loss for the first time?  
Well this is the last time_.

The room was like a cold dark pit. The heat was off and Ellie just stared at Ashley attempted to crane her neck to see who was in her room. "No more Dashboard Ash."

"Just go away…"

"Your mom sent this up…" Ellie said handing over the ice cream, "mmm fattening food."

Ashley snorted. "ha…well you can have it…"

" I don't want it, besides, you're the one whose barely eaten anything" pushing the carton of ice cream and spoon towards Ashley. Ashley frowned and reluctantly took it. Peeling off the lid she immediately dug her spoon into the soft cold ice cream and piled it into her mouth. Ellie laughed. "Ah, the cures of junk food."

"it won't cure anything, just numb it…I wish Manny would eat tons of this stuff and get fat." Ashley spooned another spoonful into her mouth and thought for a moment. "Why can't men be like ice cream?"

Ellie raised an eyebrow, "what?"

"Why can't men be like ice cream…you can always depend on ice cream to taste the same…"

Ellie laughed.

"not like that…I mean ice cream is dependable…" Ashley dug the spoon into the carton, digging up a large spoonful of rocky road ice cream, "ice cream will never let you down."

Ellie laughed, "but would you really want your men to be cold?"

Ashley looked at her, "I could warm them up."

The two girls fell into a fit of laughter. "come on, we're going out, we'll go meet some boys."

Ashley looked at her friend, "what about Sean?"

"Who said the boys were for me?"

Ashley furrowed her eyebrows, "oh no…no Miss Nash, we are not going to find a rebound boy."

" then we won't…we'll just find someone who'll survive the rebound period." Elle stood up and grabbed her oversized purse.

"I'm not going…"

"Yes you are…let's go…put on something clean and let's go." Ellie ordered. Ashley frowned, but rolled off her bed none the less and changed out of her _Degrassi CS_ sweats and into a pair of tight, ripped jeans and one of the tee shirts Ellie had bought her for Christmas and slid her studded belt through the belt loops and buckled it on the side and glanced in the mirror and fixed her make up and hair, grabbing her purse and a black zip up _My Chemical Romance_ hoodie she left her room, and headed with Ellie to **_go out_**.

* * *

Ellie and Ashley arrived at the mall and immediately made their way to **_Clash_** a music store on the far side of the mall. It was an independently run store, not at all part of a massive chain of music stores across the nation. It carried every type of music; every artist, even unsigned artists. It was a great place for local bands to pawn off their demos. As the girls walked into the store they were blasted backwards by the stereo blasting the Sex Pistols, the walls were painted dark and covered in vintage posters and concert flyers from days long passed. The pair made their way to the back of the room to check out the new indie releases.

In the back was a tall boy with shaggy black hair, with some blue streaks. He had his lip pierced twice, gauged ears, and what looked like girls' blue jeans and a white tee-shirt. Ashley immediately started blushing, and Ellie noticed. "Um, let's go see if they have the new _Cure_ CD," Ashley said trying to move away from the boy.

"You think he's cute…" Ellie laughed.

"Do not…"

"Go talk to him!" Ellie ordered.

Ashley blushed and denied her, "no."

Ellie laughed and began pushing Ashley to the back of the store.

"El…Ellie, no…" Ashley said laughing before she was pushed into the pierced boy. "Sorry" Ashley muttered as she knocked into him. He looked down at her and smiled. He had on a **_Clash_** name tag that, in his chicken scratch scrawl said his name: **Mark**.

"No, that's okay…" he said, "were you looking for something?"

Ashley blushed and looked over at Ellie, who nudged her with her eyes, "actually, I was wondering if you've got the new _Cure_ CD…"

"yea…it's over there…"Ashley looked over in the direction of which he was pointing and bit her lip in a flirtatious way while pairing it with a confused look. "here, let me show you." He said leading her over to the new arrivals CD rack. Ashley looked over at Ellie and smiled. "_I can't believe I'm doing this_" she thought to herself. "Right here" he said picking up the CD and handing it to Ashley, "so you like the _Cure?_" Mark asked.

"yea" Ashley answered.

"what's your favorite song?"

"_Just Like Heaven_"

"your eyes are just like heaven…" he said. Then realizing what he'd just said laughed at himself and ran his fingers nervously through his hair, "did I just say that?"

Ashley laughed.

"sorry about that…but your just…really gorgeous and know a song that's not _Friday I'm in Love_."

Ashley blushed but had nothing to say.

"you wanna go get coffee or something sometime?" he asked.

Ashley blushed, "sure." Ashley pulled out her cell phone and they exchanged numbers.

"I'm sorry, what's your name?" Mark asked.

"Ashley"

"Well Ashley, I'm Mark"

" I know…" she said pointing to his name tag.

"Well I'm free tomorrow afternoon if you wanna meet up or something…"

Ellie watched from the front of the store as she roamed through the CD's as Ashley and Mark talked. Ashley looked a lot happier. "_Mission__ Accomplished_" she thought to herself and looked back at the CD's when she felt someone wrap their arms around her waist. "Hey," Sean whispered.

Ellie turned around, "what are you doing here?"

" well I was hanging out Jay, but then I saw you and came over to see you…what about you?" Sean asked.

"cheering up Ashley…" Ellie said looking over in the direction of Ashley and Mark.

"You brought her out to pick up boys?"

Ellie laughed, "she was doing the picking up…not me" she said kissing him on the nose.

"better not be" he said laughing and kissing her on the lips. Ellie gently pushed him away.

"Well there was this one guy…" Sean interrupted her with a kiss, "his name was Butch" Sean covered her mouth with his and tried to keep from laughing. Ellie broke away the kiss. "I'll be right back, let me go pay for this." She said before pecking him on the lips and skipping off to the cashier to pay for the CD she held in her hand.

* * *

Ellie fell down in front of her computer and signed online.

**pictureperfect: Mark called me!__**

**NOLabels: _aaand?_**

**pictureperfect: we're going out for coffee next week…**

**NOLabels: _so spill…_**

**NOLabels: _what's he like?_**

**pictureperfect: he's 17, goes to some University…**

**NOLabels: _HE GOES TO UNI?????_**

**pictureperfect: yes…he graduated early…he's smart, studying music theory and stuff **

**NOLabels: _I picked a good one for you huh?_**

**pictureperfect: yes you did…thank you for getting' me outta the house, I'll cya 2morrow!**

**NOLables:** **_later…_**

****

******_pictureperfect has logged off _)**

Ellie signed off and spun around on her computer chair and made her way over to her dresser and changed for bed. As she crawled into bed she heard a crash down the hall; and then her mother cussing like a sailor about a broken bottle. Ellie sighed and closed her eyes tight. She wanted to drown away all the bad that seemed to follow her around in a dark cloud.

**A/N**: Okay...I'm getting really frustrated with trying to follow the show...so I give up...following along with the show, there may be minor tidbits, but it's just too hard considering I started writing this before they even got together visibly and for real. So please don't freak out if it doesn't follow the show too closely anymore.

props to everyone who reviewed...I'm getting tired of writing them all out...

**ps**. I gave Ashley a love interest...and I was thinking of writing a spin-off about Ash/Mark, if anyone wants me to...not right this instance ofcourse but eventually, and they'll be a lot of Craig being jealous...because I love to torture him so for hurting my little Ashley...

**pps**. review review review...they are always good, if you have an constructive crit for me, that's even better...i love getting reviews...cause they give me a reason to check my email...ha!

**ppps**. I'm dedicating this chapter to Damian for telling me I'm beautiful...even though I don't believe him, stupid best friends! hahaha


	20. if he can drink, i can cut

**Numb**

_like the angel you are you laugh creating a lightness in my chest,  
your eyes they penetrate me,  
(your answer's always 'maybe')  
that's when I got up and left_

Emma Nelson sat in her basement room, on her bed, her back pressed against the concrete wall. She looked down at the contents on her bed, an empty box, pictures, letters, notes, small gifts lying on the colorful tie-dye comforter. She felt an odd numbness as her eyes traveled over the two Polaroid snapshots her mother took on her and Sean's first date. She found herself doing this a lot lately, and it wasn't just pictures of Sean she found herself looking at, she sat there looking at recent pictures of her and Chris, and notes in which he wrote songs for her. Then she would silently compare the two boys. As if there were any competition, Sean was her first love, and she'd always have a place for him in her heart, Chris? _Was he just puppy love?_ Emma closed her eyes, she needed to stop thinking about the past.

_"it doesn't take much to attract you does it?"_

_Emma stared at him furiously, "what the hell is that supposed to mean!" she shouted angrily as she rose to her feet. The entire room turned towards her as her voice rose to a shout. Emma blushed furiously as the entire room was staring at her. She slipped back into her seat. "leave me alone Sean, or I'll be sure to let Ellie know what you're really like."_

_Sean laughed, "she already does Emma…and for once someone actually likes me for the fucked up piece of trailer trash I am," he said with a bright smile across his face_

Emma opened her eyes, "he's moved on, why can't I?" she said to herself and slowly began to place every memento back in the box.

* * *

"Why does she keep staring at you like that?" Ellie asked as she played with Sean's calloused fingers while she sat in his lap on the bench outside of the school. Sean's gaze was immediately directed to Emma Nelson who seemed to blatantly be staring at him and Ellie.

Sean shrugged, "she's been weird lately…more so than her usual cause girl self."

Ellie punched him lightly, "that's not very nice Mr. Cameron."

"I'm sorry Miss Nash, you'll have to punish me…" Sean said with a smirk. Ellie rolled her eyes and laid a passionate kiss on his lips.

The bell rang and Ellie jumped up from his lap, grabbing her bag and pecking him on the cheek, " I'll see you at lunch."

"yea…" Sean muttered still sitting there, his gaze directed across the courtyard to Emma's figure sitting alone on the steps outside the school. He stood up and slung his book bag over his shoulder before walking to class, but not before stopping in front of Emma. "Are you just going to sit there or are you coming to class?" he asked. Emma looked up.

"Oh, you mean you actually go to class?" Emma said spitefully, yet regretting the way she said every word that fell out of her mouth.

"You know what,…forget it, I was stupid for trying…" he said.

"Try what?" Emma asked standing quickly.

"Extending the hand of friendship…but no, I prolly just felt bad because you looked so pathetic sitting here alone staring at me and Ellie, wanting something you can't have." Sean felt a bit of guilt wash over him as Emma flushed red, "I'm sick of your jealous, can you just stop pining…"

"For your information Sean, I'm not pining over you or anyone, just mind your own business next time, or disappear because I'm sure no one at Degrassi would miss a useless delinquent." With those parting words Emma flipped her blonde hair over her shoulder and walked into the school.

It wasn't until she was out of Sean's view that she felt a twinge of guilt at the words she had expressed only moments earlier. She knew Sean and her would never work out, they fought more than they got along. _Sean was puppy love_ she thought to herself, and walked to class, taking a seat next to Chris and smiled brightly as he passed a note her way.

* * *

Ellie sat down at her and Sean's lunch table, across from Jay who had his arm draped across Alex's shoulders. "Hey little vamp…" Jay said with a cocky smile. Ellie rolled her eyes, she'd gotten used to Jay and Alex's loving abuse as time went on.

"hey drunk, hey bitch" Ellie said with a smile, Alex laughed.

"Nice one Ellie…you coming with Sean and us out to the ravine tonight?" Jay asked.

" I think so, …" she said, pausing to think for a moment.

"Aw, gotta ask Mommy?" Jay mused.

Ellie looked at him maliciously, "no…I have a job Jay…"

" Yea a job that doesn't pay" Alex said laughing, "try getting a real one Nash"

Ellie rolled her eyes. _Who cared if my Co-Op didn't pay me, I was learning about what I want to do in the future_. "Where's Sean anyway?"

Jay shrugged. " I dunno, but if you see him later, tell him I'm getting the booze for tonight so don't bother…" Ellie frowned, the idea of Sean still drinking scared her, she didn't need a boyfriend who acted like her mother, she didn't need to be cleaning up after him every night. And then a useless bit of logic popped into her head, _if he's allowed to drink, I'm allowed to cut_.

_If he's allowed to drink, I'm allowed to cut_

_If he's allowed to drink, I'm allowed to cut_

_If he's allowed to drink, I'm allowed to cut_

"what kind of logic is that?" Ellie asked herself aloud. Jay and Alex looked at her funny.

"Talking to yourself freak?" Alex asked.

"Yea, … I'll see you guys tonight" she said grabbing her bag and walking off, she wasn't even sure where she was going.

_If he's allowed to drink, I'm allowed to cut_. _This isn't making any since, this is seriously the stupidest idea you've come up with. _Thoughts were floating through her head, and she was so captivated that she didn't notice she had walked into the bathroom and was standing over the sink. **_Her sink_**. Ellie dropped her bag onto the floor. She began breathing deeply and her hands gripped the porcelain so tightly that her knuckles turned white. _Can I do this_? She stared at her reflection in the mirror. She was so flushed that her skin almost matched her hair. " I can control this" she said aloud. " I can control this." The idea of starting that weeks ago she was intent on stopping gave her a panic attack that put her on cloud 9. She was _elated_ by the fact that she had created a logic that made sense, and allowed her to continue doing what made her feel good. " I **can** do this" she repeated staring straight into her eyes' reflection.

The bell rang, and Ellie made her way to class. And from that class to her next, and finally home.

A disturbing smile crept across Ellie's face as she unlocked the front door and walked through the living room and sighed. "At least she's dependably drunk," Ellie said to herself before walking out of the living room and up stairs to her room. She shut the door behind her gently and turned on her stereo, letting **Punchline** fill her room. From there she dropped her bag on the floor and found herself crawling under her bed for the dust covered box she'd placed there long ago.

With out a moment of regret Ellie took a blade to her wrist and another and smiled. She breathed a sigh of relief with every cut she made, the blood beading through the thin slits of skin she's placed there on her delicate skin. Wiping the blade clean she put it away, closed the box and placed it under her bed. She wiped her arm clean and wrapped it in light gauze before pulling her sleeves down and starting on her math homework. _"Yes she said, I can do this" _she said to herself.

* * *

Ashley sat impatiently at the Dot. A small booth in the back corner. "Why am I so nervous?" she asked herself aloud. She felt her stomach do back flips as she remembered why she was sitting there. Only moments before she remembered her cell phone ringing, and recognizing the number on her phone made her heart leap for joy. 

_"Hey Mark" Ashley said as she lifted the black cell phone to her ear, trying not to sound as excited as she felt. _

_"hey gorgeous" he said nervously over the phone. _

_Ashley laughed, "so what's up?" _

_"actually I have the day off from work today and I was wondering if you wanted to meet for coffee somewhere" he said biting his lip nervously as he awaited her answer._

_"I'd love to…when and where?" she asked._

_"how about in about an hour, you know where the Dot is right?" _

_" yea__, I'll see you then" Ashley said. _

_"bye gorgeous" _

_Ashley just about leapt out of her chucks. _

Ashley watched the door nervously, and almost had a heart attack when she saw _him_ walk in…**Craig**.

* * *

**A/N: Urgh, it's been too long, making a quick note, sorry I didn't add lyrics…and I'm working on another chapter while you're prolly reading this, I'm going for a record 3 chapters to night to make up for the very long hiatus, school is just majorly ass kicking right now, and mainly my ass…I'm sorry if it wasn't that great of a chapter though**


	21. dates and disasters

**Numb**

_And each and everyday will lead into tomorrow  
and tomorrow brings one less day without you  
but don't wait up just leave the light on  
cause all the roads that I might take will all one day lead back to you_

Ashley slid farther into the booth, _please stay away Craig please stay away_. She closed her eyes and mentally continued her mantra. "Hey Ash…" Ash opened one of her eyes.

"Hi Craig…" she said disappointed as she slid back, slowly hoping to regain her composure, "so what are you doing here?" Ashley said as she slowly reminded herself mentally that she deserves a slap for trying to be civil with the cheating bastard.

"Picking up dinner for Joey and Angie…it's my turn, and we both know I can't cook so…"Craig said, talking as if they were old friends. Ashley rolled her eyes, _I can't believe he's trying to make small talk_, this was a position Ashley hated, she didn't want Craig to be civil. She didn't want to be civil with Craig, in fact if it were possibly to let all her inhibitions go and succumb to the primal urges, she wanted to punch Craig in the face for what he put her through. "So why are you here…?"

Ashley opened her mouth to speak and suddenly her face light up and glowed like a neon sign, "Mark!" she said waving frantically. Craig spun around and his face flushed a pale green. _Mark?_ _Who the hell is Mark?_ Craig looked on confused as the tall boy in _girls__ jeans? What kind of self respecting man wears girls jeans?_ Craig was looking Mark over, in the ever usual jealous boyfriend type of way. **Black Hair, Lip Rings, Girls Jeans, Gauged Ears…**and then his eyes fell upon the tee shirt he was wearing… **My Chemical Romance** shirt. _Ash adores MCR_. Craig backed out of the way as Ashley pushed past him and gently kissed Mark on the cheek. He blushed slightly and slid into the booth across from Ashley.

"So who is this?" Mark asked looking at Craig, smiling. Craig hated that.

"Craig,…my **ex**-boyfriend," Ashley said, emphasizing the **ex** gleefully.

"Nice to meet you Craig," Mark stuck his hand out to shake his hand but was instead met with a fist to the face. Ashley gasped. Never in a million years did she expect Craig to hit anyone, anyone at all, especially after dealing with his father. Ashley slid out of the booth in lighting speed and grabbed the back of Craig's shirt, pulling him away from Mark. She was fuming with anger as she spun him around to face her.

"What the hell is your problem?" Ashley asked, "If anyone deserves to be punched it's you! **You** cheated on me, **You** lied to me, **You **lied to Manny, what right do you have to come in here and start a civil conversation with me and punch my date?"

Craig was silent.

"You know what?" Ashley said, "I should have done this—" and punched him square in the jaw, "a long time ago, jerk." Ashley turned around to face Mark, "I'm sorry about this, do you wanna go somewhere else?" she asked, "I hear there's a pretty cool record shop on Johnson Ave, and a Starbucks® around the corner.

"That sounds good," he said, sliding out of the booth and taking Ashley's hand as she offered it and together they walked out of the Dot, leaving Craig behind, nursing his jaw.

"Are you okay?" Ashley asked as they talked down towards Johnson Ave.

"I'm fine, don't worry about it," Mark answered, "you handled it all pretty well."

"I'm really sorry about that…I didn't think…"

"No really, it's fine…so um…" Mark was blushing, "how could he…how could anyone ever cheat on you, _gorgeous_?"

And now it was Ashley's turn to blush.

* * *

The sun had just gone down when Ellie made it to Sean and Tracker's humble home. 

" I swear, I think he was born a girl," Tracker mumbled, as he slaved over the stove for a small dinner for two with his girlfriend, Kemmie.

Ellie laughed, "I know what you mean, it definitely didn't take me this long to get ready."

"Are you two talking about me?" Sean asked as he walked out into the living room, playing with his messy head of hair.

Ellie stood up, "of course we are…" she said before kissing him on the cheek, "mmm, you smell nice."

Sean laughed and grabbed his coat, "I'll see you later Track…"

"Wait…Ellie, can I talk to you a sec" Tracker said before she could walk out the door.

Sean watched suspiciously as Ellie gave him the look to **_go ahead, I'll catch up_**. She walked into the kitchen and leaned against the counter top, "yea?" she asked.

"I know you're still doing it," he said, "I'm not stupid…watch yourself kid, he likes you, I like you, you're good for him, don't let him find you one morning because you slipped up."

Ellie bit her lip, "I'm sorry, I … I won't Tracker…I'll be careful" she said and kissed him on the cheek before skipping out the door.

"What did he want?" Sean asked wrapping an arm around her.

"Told me to keep an eye on you, what else?" she lied. She lied and she felt utterly guilty about it. Sean squeezed her tight and she smiled. Ellie reached down for his hand and laced their fingers as they walked down to the ravine.

From the top of the hill they could see the glow of the fire and loud music. Walking down the path they met up with Jay and Alex at some of the stolen picnic tables. Ellie peeled off her coat and laid it on the bench.

"look at that, the little vamp made it" Jay joked.

"And look at that, the drunk's sober yet…" Ellie rolled her eyes and laughed as she reached into her black messenger bag and pulled out a CD case. She made her way over to the portable stereo and flipped through the CD's, "anybody care?" she asked, and heard no protests so she changed the music. She walked back over to Sean, Jay, and Alex and leaned back as they casually knocked back a few beers. She hated drinking, maybe it was because she didn't want to end up like her mom. A mix between that and the fact that she despised the taste, with that she grabbed Sean's hand and they moved and went crazy with the music, with Jay and Alex watching on, laughing drunkenly at the pair.

_Get your bravery from a six pack  
Get your bravery from a half-pint  
Drink your whiskey, drink your grain  
Bottoms up and you don't feel pain _

GO OUT AND FIGHT, FIGHT  
BOTTLED VIOLENCE

Lose control of your body  
Beat the shit out of somebody  
Half-shut eyes don't see who you hit  
But you don't take any shit

GO OUT AND FIGHT, FIGHT  
BOTTLED VIOLENCE

Ellie shook her head violently her wild red hair whipping around her face as her boots collided with the dirt on the ground. She found herself two-stepping and kicking up chunks of dirt and grass with every step and Sean drunkenly tried to follow suit before falling on the ground laughing. Ellie stopped and looked down at Sean who looked up at her smiling, and pushing his hair out of his face while absentmindedly dropping his can of beer to the ground. Ellie brushed her hair back with her fingers and extended her hands to him, and he pulled her down into his lap and kissed her on the cheek and then roughly on the mouth. His lips tasting like a sweet mixture between alcohol and cheap lip balm. Ellie licked her lips nipped at Sean's while wrapping her arms around his neck and falling on top of him as he fell backwards from his seated position.

Jay and Alex laughed, "get a van you two…" Jay said between drinks.

Ellie stood up and pulled Sean to his feet and aided as he stumbled over to the rundown van with dirty shag carpeting. Closing the door behind her she looked over at Sean as he stared at the ceiling of the van. She crawled over to him and playfully straddled her legs across her his waist and bent down to kiss him when he stopped her. His mind slowly sobering up. "I can't Ellie…" he said, trying to think through his drunken state, "I'm drunk, please not while I'm drunk, I wanna remember your touch in the morning and not have to struggle to do it…"

Ellie laid down next to him and sighed as Sean wrapped his arms around her and snuggled up next to her, nuzzling her neck. "I'm sorry babe," he whispered.

* * *

Ellie and Sean stumbled back into Sean's place shortly after one in the morning, or at least Sean stumbled, Ellie carried, as best she could. She dropped him on his bed and turned to leave when he grabbed her hand, "it's late babe, crash here." 

Ellie frowned, as much as she wanted to crawl into bed with Sean and _crash_ it wasn't happening tonight. She kissed his forehead, "sorry Sean, I'm gunna go home, I'll come over tomorrow." She turned off the light in his room and walked through the living room and was about to leave when a voice stopped her, "leaving?"

"Gotta go home sometime Tracker" Ellie said reaching for the doorknob.

"It's one in the morning Ellie, it's not safe to be walking alone in the dark…"

"I'm not helpless Tracker…"

"and I'm not about to let you walk home alone in the dark, grab the extra helmet, I'll drive you home," he said grabbing his keys as Ellie reluctantly obeyed. She closed the front door behind her and climbed on the back of Tracker's motorcycle. The ride was short, but trying to get into her house took much longer.

"You okay?" Tracker asked, pulling off his helmet, the same one Ellie had personalized for him for Christmas. Ellie handed the extra helmet back to Tracker, and avoided eye contact. "Guess not," he said taking the helmet from her. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"You're lying…"

" I know…"she said digging in her coat pocket for her keys.

"is it about Sean?"

Ellie looked up and nearly dropped her keys.

"it's about Sean then…" he said turning off his bike, "what did he do?"

"it's not what he did do, it's what he didn't do…"

Tracker threw the kickstand with his foot and eased himself off the bike, leaning back on it gently.

"he said, he didn't want to do anything, because he'd been drinking, he wanted to be sober…"

"and what's wrong with that Ellie?"

She remained quiet.

"I dunno, I just…needed something more physical than cutting?" Tracker asked. Ellie nodded. "I've been there Ellie, you know that, come here" he motioned for her to come closer, and he wrapped her up into a hug. "Goodnight Ellie" he said letting her go.

Ellie watched as Tracker slipped the helmet back on his head after securing the spare and drove off. She picked her keys up off the ground and walked up to her front door and quietly unlocked it and closed it. She locked the door and leaned back against it for a moment before walking up the stairs to her room, collapsing on her bed in her clothes.

She wanted to be loved tonight. She cut, but her cuts couldn't give her the physical love she wanted or needed. She wanted to feel her body connected with Sean's, she wanted his lips burning across her skin. And he couldn't, **_no he wouldn't_ _give it to me_**. She leaned over her bed and reached underneath and pulled out her box, and placed it on the bed. She pulled off her coat and sat Indian style on the bed before pulling back her sleeves and peeling back the bandages from earlier. She pulled out an exact-o knife and with shaking hands she pressed it against her skin, dragging it across, watching as blood beaded up and spilled out. "Why wouldn't he love me tonight?" she asked herself aloud.

* * *

**A/N: Okay, I didn't, and I don't think I'll make it to the third new chapter I was pushing for guys, I'm so tired, right now, and I have class tomorrow, so I'll try maybe to throw something up tomorrow. I hope you guys enjoyed these past two chapters, Thanks Rhian for the first review since I started posting again...you may have wanted a Mark/Craig fight, but I think you'll like what I did better. I'm thinking of ending this soon, and work on a sequel dealing with the story line with Rick in Season 4 and what not, because i do enjoy that story line quite a lot. I'll also prolly do a spin off about Ash and Mark if all goes good. **

**love all your reviews equally, but i love you for reading more 3**

**oh and the lyrics in this chapter are from Minor Threat _Bottled Violence_, so thank you Arthur (who else) to throwing a song my way...and if you guys are confused about what two-stepping is (and i'm not talking ghetto two-stepping) I mean hardcore/grindcore "dancing" I wish I had something that I could show you guys what I mean, personally I'm terrible at it, so I don't bother, I figure Ellie isn't as terrible at it as I am...**

**much love**


	22. i'm not okay

**Numb  
**_And like the angel you are you laugh creating a lightness in my chest,  
your eyes they penetrate me,  
(never cease to amaze me)  
that's when I got up and left_

"Seriously Ash, spill" Paige ordered as she sat, turned around in her seat, touching up her manicured fingers with an Emory board.

"What are you talking about Paige?" Ashley asked, not even looking up from what she was writing in her small black notebook.

"You know what I'm talking about, rumor has it, that a fight broke out at the Dot on Friday between some boy and Craig, and the other boy is in the hospital, and he's not a boy he's like thirty-something, married, and you're dating him"

Ashley looked up, at Paige in wonderment, "where did you hear that from?" she asked, looking over at Ellie as if to say, _is she for real?_

"Hazel heard it from Heather Sinclair who heard it from some grade nine, who heard it from his sister who heard it from Spinner, who heard it from that girl with the dreds, what's her name? Carly? Cause it was his day off…"

"Paige you have got to be kidding me, you actually believed all that?" Ellie asked, as Ashley looked on dumbfounded at the train of succession.

"Hey, it's from a reliable source."

"For your information Paige…that's not what happened," Ashley said.

"Then what **did** happen?"

Ashley put down her pen and closed her book, gently resting her hands on top of it, and began her story, "I was meeting, Mark, who is **NOT** thirty something and married, he's seventeen and goes to uni, Craig showed up, got jealous, punched Mark, who was just being a nice guy and introduced himself, and **I** was the one who did the fighting, I punched Craig in the jaw, and we left, no big rumble Paige, sorry to disappoint."

Paige started laughing, "You punched Craig? Priceless, what to go Ash."

Ashley smiled and looked over at Ellie, "so how are you?" she asked.

Ellie looked up, "f-f-ine" she answered a bit shakey, _oh yes, fine and dandy…_

Ashley looked at her confused, "You sure,…you seem a bit off today"

"I'm fine, don't worry about it," Ellie answered as Mr. Armstrong walked into the room and class started, but Ellie was not paying attention at all. She seemed lost in her own thoughts. No one seemed to notice as she stared blankly at her notebook paper and just stared.

_If he can drink, I can cut…where's the logic in that Ellie? God, you're so stupid. Who comes up with stupid ideas like that. You do Ellie Nash, you and your stupid ideas. Why don't you just go home and cut yourself some more, find the logic in that, because Sean's not always drinking, if your logic made any sense at all you would only cut when he drinks. It's the same kind of logic as someone who smokes when they drink. They technically aren't a smoker, but they are when they drink. According to your stupid logic, you're only a cutter when Sean drinks, but your breaking the boundaries you set for yourself Ellie, you've lost…_

"Ellie?...Are you okay?"

Ellie looked up, the class was gone, and it was just her and Mr. Armstrong, "I'm fine…"

"I don't think you're fine Ellie, you were completely zoned out all class, I'm writing you a pass to see Suave."

"No!" she shouted, and Mr. Armstrong looked at her funny, " I mean, no Mr. Armstrong, that's okay."

"Better yet Ms. Nash, I think I'll walk you there," he answered, not convinced that Ellie was as fine as she was pretending.

* * *

Ellie closed her eyes. 

"Show me your arms Ellie…" Ms Suave ordered kindly.

Ellie opened her eyes and stared at the young woman, " I can't do that," she answered.

"Why not? Ellie"

"I just can't."

"Ellie, show me your arms," she repeated, "this isn't up for discussion, your mental health is on the line here, and it's my job to make sure you're not hurting yourself, now…show me your arms." Ellie sighed and rolled up her sleeves and pulled down her arm warmers and exposed her bandaged arms to the worried guidance counselor. "Ellie, this isn't good…"

" I know…" Ellie answered blandly.

"I want to speak with your mother"

"NO!"

Ms Suave looked at Ellie as she jumped to her feet and shouted, "You can't talk to her, no one can talk to her."

"Why not Ellie?"

"Because…"

"Ellie, 'because' is not a good enough answer," she paused for a moment, "is your mother hurting you?"

"no…she'd never lay a hand on me…"

"then what's wrong, why have you started this again?"

"I don't know, you're the one with all the answers, why don't you tell me." Ellie pulled back her arm warmers and fiercely tugged down her sleeves. She didn't want to be interrogated anymore, and Ms Suave could tell. There was a stagnant air of silence between them.

"Ellie, this isn't healthy, you can't continue hurting yourself."

"How can you say this isn't healthy, people have been doing it for centuries! People would mourn by mutilating their bodies, people would hurt themselves as tests of strength, people would hurt themselves as pleasure, what makes it so bad now?"

" I don't know Ellie, but why is it you're doing it?" Ms Suave asked, leaning back, interested in what Ellie had to say, but again, silence, "are you mourning? Proving strength? Trying to find pleasure you're not receiving?"

Ellie didn't know how to answer, in turn, she felt she did it as a mix of all three. "I'm all three Suave, all of the above. I'm mourning the fact that I my father can't be here for me, that my mother is a wasted drunk most of the time, that I have to be the one in charge yet I don't get the simple freedom of being a teenager. I have to prove that I'm strong, that a stupid grade on a test or being a klutz won't get to me…"

"but it is getting to you, obviously…"

Ellie glared, she wasn't finished, "I cut because I mourn, because I'm strong, because I can't physically fulfill myself pleasurably, I cut because I can…this is my thing, Suave, don't take this away from me."

Ms Suave frowned. _Ellie isn't suicidal, she's taking care of her cuts, I have no jurisdiction to report this unless it's harmful to others around her. I'm stuck_. "Can you promise me that you'll continue to take care of yourself?" Ellie nodded as she was handed a note to go back to class, "I want you coming back once a week for to check up on you."

Ellie sighed and rolled her eyes, "fine."

"see you next week."

* * *

"Where have you been all day babe?" Sean asked, wrapping his arms around Ellie's waist and kissing her gently on the lips. 

"around" she said blandly, obviously trying to avoid any topic of conversation.

"you okay?"

"WHY IS EVERYONE ASKING ME THAT TODAY!" she shouted in frustration, "I'm sick of it, I'm fine…I'm sick of everyone worrying about me."

"Well I'm the boyfriend, I'm supposed to be worried," he said leading her to sit down on a bench while he gently massaged her shoulders. "You're so tense…" he said leaning down and gently kissing her neck.

"PDA Mr. Carmeron, Miss Nash!" shouted Mr. Radditch from down the hall.

"Sorry sir" Sean answered, still kneading his knuckles into her shoulders, "won't happen again."

"It better not, or I'll be seeing you in detention, again," and with that Radditch walked back to his office.

Ellie laughed softly, "I think he's just jealous."

Sean chuckled and wrapped his arms around her, shifting from side to side, "coming over after work?" he asked. Ellie turned her head, "Of course." Ellie planted a soft kiss on his lips and stood up, "Time for _fun with computers_," she said rolling her eyes. "I'll see you tonight."

Ellie walked down the hall and into Media Immersions and took her seat next to Ashley. Ashley leaned over, "where have you been all day?"

"Suave wanted to see me."

"about what?"

"…the Co-Op, wanted to know how I was doing," Ellie lied.

"it took all day?"

"pretty much…"

"oh…well you didn't miss much, especially at lunch when Spinner's hair net fell in the chili and he started sifting through it with his hands…so gross…reminded me why I need to start brown bagging it again."

Ellie chuckled.

"anyways, what are you and Sean doing this weekend?"

"prolly staying in, or hanging out with Alex and Jay…"

"well if you're not busy, do you wanna go out with me and Mark this weekend?"

"you're seeing him again?"

Ashley beamed, "yup, … he calls me gorgeous El, he's so cute, and urgh…I'm so lucky."

"So…does that mean you're an item then?"

Ashley lost her smile for a moment, "I have no clue…but what ever is going on, I like it, a lot."

"that's good."

"how are things with you and Sean…the perfect couple?"

"things are…" Ellie didn't know how to answer it, I mean, things with their relationship seemed a little, off balance, after all, she was the girl and she was the one wanting to push the physical aspect of their relationship, whereas Sean was holding back, "good."

"that's great."

"yea…" Ellie answered, unsure of herself. "Yea, it's great." Ellie spent most of the class time trying to reassure herself that everything was great, that it'll all work out for the best. At times though, she felt like her and Sean were on different pages. Ellie wanted physical, Sean wanted mental, and Ellie wondered why they couldn't meet somewhere in between. Ellie searched the internet while Mr. Simpson droned on in front of the class, mostly checking out bands that she liked or looking up lyrics. As clichéd as it sounds, she found her solace in what was slowly becoming a mainstream hit…

_Well if you wanted honesty, that's all you had to say.  
I never want to let you down or have you go, it's better off this way.  
For all the dirty looks, the photographs your boyfriend took,  
Remember when you broke your foot from jumping out the second floor? _

I'm not okay  
I'm not okay  
I'm not okay  
You wear me out

What will it take to show you that it's not the life it seems?  
(I'm not okay)  
I told you time and time again you sing the words but don't know what it means  
(I'm not okay)  
To be a joke and look, another line without a hook  
I held you close as we both shook for the last time take a good hard look!

I'm not okay  
I'm not okay  
I'm not okay  
You wear me out

Forget about the dirty looks  
The photographs your boyfriend took  
You said you read me like a book, but the pages are all torn and frayed

I'm okay  
I'm okay!  
I'm okay, now  
(I'm okay, now)

But you really need to listen to me  
Because I'm telling you the truth  
I mean this, I'm okay!  
(Trust Me)

I'm not okay  
I'm not okay  
Well, I'm not okay  
I'm not o-fucking-kay  
I'm not okay  
I'm not okay  
(Okay)

"I'm not okay" she said, "I'm not o-fucking-kay"

Unfortunately, no one was around to hear her speak those words…

* * *

**A/N I hope this makes everyone happy, because I just got my schedule for class, and I honestly don't know when I'll be able to update again, I'm hoping that I'll be able to get something down later on this month or that I'll be able to get some stuff down here and there to be able to post again in March, once again, I'm not making any promises, it's very hard for me to keep up with a lot of the projects I have going on. I wish I had more time and energy, but I don't, but resassured I won't leave you guys hanging for too long...**

**thanks for the reviews, and keep them coming, any ideas are welcome as well, sometimes I need a kickstart to get me writing when i'm blocked. **

**that's all for now, I hope I'll be writing another author's note soon in the near, the very near future...**

**Oh and the song is MCR (My Chemical Romance) _I'm not okay (I promise)_**


	23. hello ladies and gentlemen

**Numb**

_It's so hard to see when your eyes are rolling in the back of your head __It's even harder to speak when everything you say just comes out wrong __Gutted like a pig, all you want is the world to bleed, __Someone somewhere stole your desire__The pain akin to, being punched in the throat, and stabbed in the chest_

- Atreyu Ain't Love Grand

Grunt work.

Today it was all grunt work. "Here's your coffee Caitlin," Ellie said shifting several different cups in her hands and setting the right one down on the desk. Caitlin looked up and smiled, thanking Ellie for the coffee. Ellie spun around and made her way out of the office and finished delivering the other cups of coffee to the rest of the station. Finding herself in her closet office she fell back into her broken metal chair and dropped her head to the top of the black table. She rolled her head forward resting her chin on her hands and starring at her pile of loose papers and binders. Sitting up straight she reached forward and grabbed the binder marked: "teen news" and got to work on the proposal for the short half hour news segment.

"Ellie?" followed by a knock at the door. Caitlin. "How's my favorite little intern?"

"Tired" Ellie laughed. Caitlin smiled and took a seat on the other side of the table.

"Are you working on your proposal?"

Ellie nodded.

"Great!...Look, I came to talk to you about…"

"oh my gosh…I got you the wrong coffee again, didn't I?"

Caitlin laughed, "no, you got the right one this time." Caitlin's smile grew bigger, "you're time here at the station is growing pretty short Ellie, and –"

"yea, I know, I was thinking, can I still come by and help out, I mean you don't have to give me extra credit or anything…"

"Ellie…actually, I wanted to offer you a job, here at the station as my assistant."

Ellie's eyes lit up and she jumped to her feet "really? Oh my…wow…Ms. Ryan…I mean…Caitlin, thank you so much." She reached out and shook Caitlin's hand before losing her composure and tightly wrapping the news anchor in a tight hug.

"Now Ellie, you don't have to come in everyday, I want you to focus on school, so whenever you're not busy."

Ellie beamed. Caitlin left the small closet office and Ellie returned to job, a smile on her face.

* * *

"She gave me a job Sean!"

"That's great Ellie…more time for you at the station." Sean hung his head, he seemed a bit disappointed. Ellie frowned.

"But this is good for me Sean, she's going to pay me."

"And you'll be at the station more…"

Ellie just didn't seem to be catching on as much as he had hoped. Between school and her Co-Op work, Sean rarely saw Ellie, alone anyways. If she wasn't at work or school she was with Marco and Ashley. "Sean…look" and she smoothed the collar of his shirt, "I promise we'll still spend time together."

"yea" he answered gently placing his hands on her waist.

"promise" Ellie answered.

Sean smiled and leaned into kiss her, "Dinner!" Tracker's voice boomed through the house. Sean groaned and pulled away before standing up from his bed and pulling Ellie up quickly to her feet. Ellie laughed softly and grabbed his hand and followed him into the kitchen.

"And the famous chef orders pizza yet again" Sean muttered.

Tracker glared, "would you rather eat my cooking?"

Sean laughed. "Pizza's fine, Tracker," Ellie said as she gently punched Sean in the arm, and messed up his hair. Sean rolled his eyes and sat down at the small kitchen table.

"Oh Ells, I have something you left here a few weeks ago…" Tracker said as he passed out paper plates between the three of them.  
Ellie raised an eyebrow, "Okay, I'll get it before I leave."

Sean looked between his brother and his girlfriend and found an awkward ambience in the space linking them together. Sure Sean knew his brother was a cutter, and Ellie was slowly overcoming that point in her life, so there was bound to be that bond connecting them. But there was something else. Pushing in out of his mind he looked down at his plate. "Yo, Track…this has pepperoni."

"Sorry Sean, forgot" Tracker said, mentally slapping himself in the forehead before exchanging the pepperoni slice in front of Sean with a plain cheese one with peppers and mushrooms.

"I can't believe you're making me watch this Ellie…" Sean said as he rolled his eyes and pushed himself further back into the cushions of the ratty old couch.

"It's a classic Sean…"

"It's a chick flick…I didn't even know you owned this…"

"the _Princess Bride_ is not a chick flick…there's fighting in it" Ellie argued. Sean groaned, "Fine, Sean, what do **you** want to watch?"

"can we watch X-2?" he begged.

"after what they did, cutting Gambit out, turning Jean into Phoenix at the end?...No" she answered, matter of factly.  
"leave it to my girlfriend to read comics…"  
Ellie crossed her arms.

"look, is there something we can both agree on?" Sean asked.

"well I brought _Drop Dead Fred_?"

"what?" Sean asked sitting up.

"_Drop Dead Fred_, it's about a girl who starts seeing her imagin—"

"no…I know what it's about, I haven't seen that in ages…Tracker and I used to watch it all the time when we were younger…it was the only movie I ever wanted to rent."

Ellie smiled and passed him the DVD box, "put it in then."

Sean smiled and took the box from her and walked over to the DVD player and slipped the disk in and returned to the couch, where he stuck his finger up his nose and then wiped it down the side of Ellie's face, "snot face." Sean smirked and laughed hysterically as Ellie's face went from one of utter contentment to one of disgust and horror as she began tugging at her shirt sleeves to wipe the supposed snot off the side of her face.

" I don't think it's funny Sean" she said as she kicked him with her tiny feet while he carried on laughing at her reaction.

"yes it is…" he said leaning over and kissing her face in the spot where he had just wiped snot, "it's very funny."

Ellie pushed him away gently and settled herself next to him, under the crook of his arm, snuggled up against his strong chest and watched as the opening credits rolled.

Characters danced across the screen and dialog was muttered, it wasn't long before Ellie was sound asleep in Sean's arms her arms crossed tightly across her chest, hugging herself as Sean hugged her. Sean looked down and smiled, gently kissing her forehead before sliding his arm under her knees and another behind her back and stood up, shifting Ellie in his arms and she fell into his chest. He gently began walking towards his room. He looked down at Ellie's solemn face and smiled, "she's so tiny" he said softly as he realized how light she was in his arms.

He rested her gently on the bed and climbed in next to her, lying on his side he wrapped an arm around her waist possessively and the other he bent and rested his head upon it. He leaned his head down nuzzled his head into her red hair, breathing deep. She smelled like home, it was an angering yet comforting smell. Of course for him, he didn't know where home was, but he felt it, he could smell it and he felt it, smelt it, was there when he had Ellie in his arms. He leaned down and nuzzled his unshaven face into her neck, gently pressing his lips to her soft pale skin. Ellie moaned in her sleep and smiled. He laughed to himself, and gently opened his mouth and traced a heart with his tongue as his lips laid pressed against the skin of her neck. Ellie giggled, "Sean, quit it" she said opening her eyes. But Sean didn't quit, Ellie giggled some more and moaned as he sucked gently on her neck. "Sean stop, you're going to make it look like I got attacked by a vampire." Ellie rolled over to face him, Sean's hand now resting on her hip. She took a moment to look around the room, "I feel asleep again?" she asked. Sean nodded. Ellie yawned and curled up, gently closing her eyes.

Sean looked down and noticed that Ellie's arms were always held tightly against her body. They had been since she was cuddling with him on the couch. And when she walked through the halls, when she doing anything that didn't require her to use her hands. **_They were always being held_**. Sean reached down and gently began to run his fingers across her arms. Ellie's eyes opened wide, a frightened look plastered across her face. "What's wrong?" Sean asked concerned. Ellie crossed her arms and held them tighter against her.

"nothing" she muttered, and it was now Sean knew that she was avoiding something.

"liar" he said simply. He wasn't mad, and it was said so monotonously that it worried the girl.

"I'm not lying" she said, "nothing's wrong, everything's fine."

"then why are you always holding your arms like that?" Sean asked.

Ellie froze, she stopped breathing, **she**** was a deer caught in headlights**.

Ellie relaxed for a moment and her arms dropped from their tight cross position against her chest. Sean gently rubbed her arms, and pulled up the long sleeves to the crook of her elbow. Ellie was involuntarily crying as Sean's fingers slowly ran over each and every cut she'd made that day, that week, that month. "Ellie" Sean said.

**Silence**.

Sean lifted her arm and he gently pressed his lips against her torn and scared arms. Ellie sobbed heavily. It was the moment that Sean's hot lips pressed against Ellie's cool skin, causing a sweet burning sensation that Ellie slowly stopped crying after that heavy sob. With tears still fresh in her eyes, and running down her cheeks she threw her lips to Sean's nudging his face away from her arms, throwing them around his neck, and rolling on top of him. She feverishly began planting kisses from Sean's lips across his face and down his neck before Sean grabbed her wrists, causing her to stop, and look down into his eyes. He slowly traced his fingers up her arms and gently rested his harm hand on the back of her neck and brought her face down to meet his. He pressed their foreheads together and leaned forward and kissed her tear stained and puffy, red eyes, each one, and then her nose, finally resting his lips on hers. " I love you" he whispered, and Ellie collapsed onto his chest and he wrapped his arms protectively around her once against sobbing figure and holding her tight and close as she laid on top of him.

Running his hand up and down her back he placed his chin atop her head and used every ounce of his being not to cry. _"Why do I feel like this is my fault?"_ he thought inside his head, as he held her crying figure. It wasn't too much longer before Sean felt Ellie's breath slow down and turn into calm rhythmic breathing.

**She was asleep**.

He slowly rolled onto his side still holding to Ellie. He placed his chin on her shoulder, and didn't let her go the rest of the night.

* * *

The next morning Ellie was bouncing like the night before hadn't happened. Sean found her in the kitchen making breakfast with Tracker, as he sat at the kitchen table laughing hysterically as she literally bounced around the kitchen to the music on the radio. And then Sean heard her open her mouth and belt out the words…

_constellating__ pulling pieces together  
making a whole  
of the parts i gather what will form?  
constellating pulling pieces together  
under an infinite ebony sky  
a pools reflection of the intramural endlessness of life  
and i think that star is my mirror image  
see how its brighter  
then it dims like a light bulb on a shaky circuit  
i will induct my wires into a concrete foundation  
originating from your eyes you are the very first time  
i felt alive  
an unacquired sense in your impulsive vibe  
that just defeats the fiction in my mind  
and now every line is drawn to your light  
the endless fight between foes who align  
as if to see eye to eye but its those love overrides  
shattering consistency  
where the air is easy to breathe around you  
and trails of thoughts are lost inside the pause around you  
a secret spot for broken minds  
like mine to find a home inside  
high above those who light and stoke the fires underneath you  
and who do you redeem and who begins to fly  
and now i know what the pieces  
will form together_

Sean smiled, but thoughts of the night before were constantly running through his head. She was cutting again. He was feeling guilty. Was he supposed to be watching her? Does she want him to make sure she's not cutting? He was trying to put those thoughts out of his head as he sat down at the kitchen table and leaned back as Ellie began serving up pancakes. "Eat quick" she said, "we're already late for school." She said with a smile. Sean picked up a fork and dug in, watching Ellie, watching Tracker. Just watching.

Ellie pecked Sean on the cheek, "I'll be back to walk with you," she said, "I'm gunna run home and shower and change." Sean nodded, and watched as she jogged out of the house.

Ellie unlocked her front door and crept inside. She walked over to the couch and peered down, "still where I left you" she said to herself as her eyes fell upon the vision of her mother passed out on the couch. She made her way up the stairs, peeling off pieces of clothing as she rushed down the hall to the bathroom, where she jumped into the shower. The water poured out an ice cold, making Ellie leap back out of the shower and wait for the water to warm up before climbing back in and taking a quick shower. She grabbed a towel and ran down the hall, her wet bare feet, slopping against the hardwood floors. She burst into her room and began rummaging through her dresser and closet, and finally pulled out a pair of worn in black jeans and a long sleeved grey shirt and a torn and worn green shirt that bore a white star and the words "something new." She laced up a pair of green chucks and threw her hair back in a quick braid to let it dry and then grabbing her eyeliner and mascara she tossed it in her purse, grabbed her bag and rushed down the stairs and out the door, running right smack into Sean who was waiting on her front porch for her.

Ellie smiled and took his hand and walked to school, calmly, taking in their surroundings, even though they were nearly an hour late for school.

* * *

**A/N: I promised a new chapter in March didn't I? I got to it, it took me a while, but I did it, and I'm proud, i dont' know whatn I'll be able to get another one up, but I will try, every free chance I get I'll jot down another bit of the next chapter or so, this story is coming to an end, there will be a sequel though, no worries, and included will be lots of drama because Degrassi wouldn't be thus unless there was lots of Drama. Thanks to everyone who reviewed...**

**The song is by a band, Estrela Intramural and it's a pretty upbeat song, really cute band to check them out hit up either purevolume or myspace. I'm basically giving them free advertising right now, they were at my house one new a few weeks ago. **

** chapter is dedicated to a few people: Arthur (as always) and to Topher (my best friend whose coming to visit me at school) and to Neven ( my ex who was in a car accident recently, so I hope he's okay, him and his girlfriend who was also in the car)**

**and finally to my Brandon, who's super pretty and I am crushing on him so bad... hehehe 3**


	24. Ain't Love Grand?

**Numb**

_You would rather bleed than be without her_

_Gone are the tender whispers dancing in your ears_

_Replaced with lackluster memories you cry, your screams play in your empty room_

_It's so hard to see when your eyes are rolling in the back of your head_

_It's even harder to speak when everything you say just comes out wrong_

**Atreyu** / Ain't Love Grand

* * *

"Miss Nash, Mr Cameron, you're late" a voice boomed down the hall as their sneakers scuffed against the linoleum floors of DCS. Ellie spun around her braid swinging around and whipping her gently in the face as she turned to face the head principal. 

"Sorry Mr.Raditch, we have notes." Sean looked at her funny as she pulled out a folded piece of paper from her jeans and handed it the aging man. Mr.Raditch took the paper reluctantly from between her fingers and read over the neatly formed lines. He looked up and looked between Sean and Ellie and back to the note. The hallway was silent as they waited for him to speak. Sean was positive that he'd be sitting in detention after school.

"Very well, get this to the office and then get to class," Mr.Raditch said as he handed back the note and continued walking down the hall. As Mr.Raditch rounded the corner Sean grabbed Ellie and spun her to face him. She was smiling brightly.

"What the hell was that?" he asked, smiling.

" My **_mom_** wrote me a note," she said showing him the yellowing piece of paper.

_**To Whom is May Concern:**_

**_Sean Cameron is currently staying with my family for a few days while his brother is away on business. Please excuse him and Ellie Nash for being late for school this morning, as they were dropping off some charitable items for me at the church on __St.James Blvd.__ I know this may not be a reasonable excuse but I was unable to carry out the task on my own, being fairly busy as I am. Thank you, and have a great day._**

_**-Judy Nash**_

"So…your, _**mom**_, wrote it? Eh?" Sean said linking arms with her and walking her to the office.

"No Sean, the tooth fairy did."

" yea, a tooth fairy named Eleanor." With that statement Ellie punched him gently in the arm and Sean leaned in and kissed his cheek. "I'll see you at lunch El," he said, "I have to get to Ehl's class." Ellie smiled and walked into the office and handed the secretary the note before making her way to her geometry class.

"Nice of you to join us, Miss Nash" Mr. Armstrong said, motioning for Ellie to take her seat.

Ellie blushed and slid into her seat next to Marco and pulled her notebook from her bag and nudged Marco, asking him to borrow his notes so she could catch up. He reluctantly handed over his notebook. Watching intently as Ellie rolled up her sleeves and got to work, he noticed the red cut marks laced across her arms, frowning slightly. Ellie passed the notebook back and smiled. And he took that time to notice that it was a real smile tugging at her lips. Marco smiled back and gladly took his notebook back and ripped a blank sheet from the back, and began scribbling furiously.

**_Ellie you might wanna pull your sleeves down_**

He folded up the note and cautiously passed it to her. Ellie read it and immediately blushed and tugged her sleeves down.

**_THANX_**

Marco smiled warmly at her from his seat.

**_no problamo Ellie…you okay?_**

Ellie's smile faded for a moment.

**_I haven't been, but I'm doing fine now, cross my heart._**

Marco stopped for a moment to solve a problem on the board and returned to his seat to finish his response.

**_that's good, Ellie_**_, **I'm glad, so why were you late?**_

Ellie blushed furiously, but knowing it was only Marco, she was able to tell him everything.

**_I spent the night at Sean's…No worries Marco it wasn't a booty call last night, I went over after my Co-Op and had dinner with him and Tracker and fell asleep watching a movie. All innocent, besides if there were any dirty details, you know I'd tell you…_**

Marco smiled.

**_So what did happen? You're pretty happy to have just spent the night_**

Ellie stifled a giggle.

**_Well I started cutting again, and he noticed on his own, just by how I was acting and my body language. I got upset and started crying and he kissed my cuts and I lost it and crawled on top of him and well…he stopped me, and…_**

Tears were falling from Ellie's eyes as she slowly finished.

**…_he told me he loved me, again._**

Marco noticed her tears, and felt something inside him break.

**_Do you love him?_**

Ellie wiped her eyes.

**_I think so…_**

Marco looked at her confused.

**_You think so? _**

Ellie shrugged over at Marco.

**_I really don't know, I'm confused, I don't feel like we have a normal relationship, I mean, the sex is great and we have this amazing connection, but I feel like we should be going about this differently. I'm so confused now…I don't even think I'm making sense._**

Marco was confused, but began writing a response that took him the rest of the class time to write. Hehanded her the note as they stumbled out of class. Ellie rushed to her science class and took a seat in the back, curled her knees up to her chest and unfolded Marco's note.

**_Ellie, obviously Sean loves and cares about you very much. I love you, you're my best friend, and I care about you and your feelings deeply. You need to talk to Sean about this. If you're having doubts with how your relationship is going, maybe you should take a break and figure things out, figure you out. If you continue in a relationship that you are questioning, that makes you confused, then maybe you're not ready for a relationship right now. Looking back at what I've already written, I almost regret saying it. Cause after spending time with Sean you have the biggest smile on your face. You're happy with him. And seeing you happy, it makes me happy. I don't want to you to hurt yourself anymore, I don't want you to be sad. _**

**_Gosh! I feel like such a bad guy for suggesting that you and Sean take a break. Maybe it'll be a good idea though, perhaps it'll help you figure out how you really feel about him, especially when he's not around. I love you Ellie, you're smart, I know you'll make the right decision. _**

Ellie folded the note back up and slipped it into her pocket. She looked up and began jotting down her anatomy notes. She felt like she was losing focus in everything after reading the end of Marco's note. She had to decide, she had to figure out what she was going to do.

* * *

Sean turned the corner and instead of walking towards Mr.Ehl's class he made his way to the guidance office and found himself sitting in Suave's office. He sat nervously in the leather chair as Ms.Suave watched him from behind her desk. The room was uneasily silent. Sean cracked his knuckles nervously. 

"So Sean, what brings you to my office?" she asked.

Sean looked up for the first time, since he stepped into her office and opened his mouth to speak. The only word to come out, "Ellie."

" what about Ellie, Sean?"

" I dunno" he answered.

" so, tell me about you and Ellie" Ms.Suave suggested.

" She's amazingly strong, I think, no, I know I love her. She helps me out with school, and we do everything together." He got more excited to talk about Ellie, " she brings out the best in me, I mean I thought I loved Emma, I still do, but I love her more as a former first love, like unconditionally, but I _really_ love Ellie. She's amazing…" Sean stopped for a moment as he realized he was starting to gush.

"So everything is great then?"

" Not really " Sean answered.

" What do you mean Sean?" she said, trying to get Sean to open up.

" You like, can't say anything to her or anyone else right?"

" Unless someone is in severe danger, no, everything is confidential, just between you and me. " Ms.Suave answered resting her hands on her desk, and pushing herself to stand. She slowly walked over to the couch that rested against the wall behind Sean. She sat down, and offered Sean a new, comfortable seat.

Sean stood up and replaced the empty space next to the young guidance counselor. "Well, Ellie has been cutting again, though, I'm sure you know. And I think my own brother knew before me, too…I feel like…like it's my fault?"

"And how do think it's your fault, Sean? Ellie is her own person, she makes her own decisions, how are you responsible?"

" well, I feel like it's my responsibility to be taking care of her, watching out, and if she's cutting, then I'm not doing my job. I feel like I'm slowly becoming my parents, I don't want to be like them."

" that's very chivalrous of you, Sean, but you can't always protect someone like Ellie, she's a very independent person."

" I know, that's what I love most about her, and she's beautiful, and has her own mind, her own style, she's beyond the stereotype of a typical punk." Sean said. Then another period of awkward silence took over for a moment before Ms. Suave brought up a very touchy subject.

" Sean, you said you feel like your becoming your parents, what are you parents like?"

" pathetic, stupid, and drunk." Sean said, not wanting to expand on the topic.

"and you feel that you're pathetic stupid and drunk?"

" pretty damn close to being there…"

"how so Sean, your grades are looking a lot better than last year, you're undeniably good a math, your top of your mechanics class with Mr.Ehl, you are by no means stupid or pathetic…"

"but I'm a drunk…even you're admitting it."

"you're only what you want to be Sean."

" but I don't' want to be a drunk…I don't to be like them."

" then don't drink."

"it's not that easy…"

" yes it is…"

"IT'S NOT!" he shouted.

"just like it's not easy for Ellie to top cutting regardless of how many people are looking out for her?" Ms.Suave reasoned. Sean looked at her. " What someone else does is not your fault, just like you can't put the blame on someone else for the things you do. You are your responsibility, just as Ellie is hers."

"drinking is part of who I am…"

"but it's not who you are" Ms. Suave began talking very softly, " Sean, you need to look out for you, before you can look out for Ellie. Maybe you should take some time apart to re-evaluate yourself." She stood up and walked over to the wall in her office that held a variety of packets and picked out a few and handed them to Sean, " AA meetings are Thursday nights at the rec-center, I think you should go or at least to Al-Anon on Wednesday nights. I think you should also attend the AlaTeen meetings on Tuesday nights."

Sean was silent as he shoved the pamphlets in his book bag and took a note from Ms. Suave, covering for his whereabouts while missing class. He began walking down the hall towards the cafeteria to meet Ellie for lunch. And there he found Jay, standing alone waiting for Alex and Amy. "Hey Cameron," Jay said shaking hands with Sean as they walked into the cafeteria.

"hey, brah, can I talk to you?" Sean asked.

Jay looked at Sean funny and walked with him to their table, "yea, sure." Jay was unsure of what Sean wanted, but the serious look on Sean's face announced that it was something important. "so what's this about?" Jay asked, taking at seat at their table.

"Ellie…"

" what about Vampy?"

Sean rolled his eyes, " I think I might need to take a break from her?"

Jay laughed, "why? Is the sex bad?"

" no!" Sean shouted, and quickly got angry as he realized how it came out.

" they why?" Jay asked, stifling his laughter.

" it's me…"

" oh god Sean, you're not gunna tell her that are you? You know how that sounds to a girl, **oh it's not you, it's me**" he said, imitating what would happen.

"But it is me, Jay, I need to figure some stuff out for a bit."

Jay sighed, " Sean, I know all about Ellie and her little _habit_," he said making cutting motions above his wrist with his hand, "do you really think this is a good idea?"

" Ellie's a strong girl, Jay, stronger than you give her credit for, she'll be fine." Sean said uneasy of his own words, _'I hope_' he thought to himself.

"So what do you need to work out?" Jay asked.

" family issues…"

" okay?"

" I'm thinking about going to some AA meetings."

" Oh come on Sean, your drinking isn't that bad!"

" I know, I know, but my parents, dude, I don't wanna end up like them."

Jay nodded. " I get you man, so what's gunna happen with vampy? She still gunna chill with us?"

" prolly, I mean we're not like, gunna break up, we're just takin' a break."

" yea…you gunna pull that whole, '**we can still be friends**' line?"

Sean rolled his eyes, " I intend to stay friends with her…"

" so you guys will be together without the sex?"

" dude…that's the dumbest idea you've ever had."

* * *

"Hey Alex, can I talk to you?" Ellie asked, as she walked up to Alex and Amy in the hall, just outside the cafeteria. Amy watched on glaring at Ellie jealously, still a bit peeved that it had been the vampire girl that had sunken her fangs into _her Seany_. " Alone?" Ellie added as she felt Amy's glare burning into her. 

"yea, sure Vamp," Alex answered and ushered Amy inside the cafeteria, "what's up Ellie?"

" I think I need to break up with Sean, or take a break or something?" Ellie said nervously while completely unsure of her words, and if she had even said them right as she snapped her rubber band against her wrist. Alex looked at her funny and looked down and noticed her snapping the rubber band against her wrist. Alex grabbed Ellie's arm and drug her down the hall, away from nosey ears. "Alex, what are you doing?" Ellie said grabbing her arm away as they stood in the dimly lit hallway.

"Why are you telling me this?"

" Because I need some help with this?"

" What you want me to pretend were having an affair so he'll leave you alone?"

Ellie groaned, "no Alex, I don't want him to leave me alone, I just need to take a break, relationship wise from him."

"why? And why aren't you telling queer boy about this?" Alex asked, "I'm not a girly girl, Ellie, the only thing that makes me a straight girl are these," she said grabbing her breasts, " and this and what I want to put in it."

" Because you're friends with Sean, and I hoped that we were friends enough that you could help me."

"Look Ellie, is it something you want to do?" Alex asked, "Like really do? Because from what I've seen you and Sean are a great couple, and you aren't nauseatingly cute like Miss Bitch and her little love slave" she answered referring to Paige and Spinner.

"Marco said that I should take a break, because I'm questioning the relationship."

"well Marco is a fag, what does he know about how girls feel?" Alex said, and noticed the angry look on Ellie's face as she insulted her best friend, "sorry, look sometimes questioning the relationship, isn't always a bad thing, it can give you a chance to make things better."

Ellie sighed, "I still dunno what to do,"

"Me, neither, but right now, let's eat."

Ellie rolled her eyes and silently agreed.

Alex and Ellie slowly made their way into the cafeteria and over to the back corner.

* * *

Amy rolled her eyes, '_who does she think she is_?' she asked herself silently. She slowly made her way over to her normal table in the back of the cafeteria. She watched as Sean and Jay conversed. Carefully and intently she noticed the way Jay's facial expressions changed and the way his body language showed it was something serious, and then she noticed Jay's hand motions, and realized they were talking about Ellie. She inched closer, her ears perking to attention, realizing that they were discussing the fact that Sean might be breaking up with Ellie. Amy smiled inside. 

" so you guys will be together without the sex?"

" dude…that's the dumbest idea you've ever had," Amy heard Jay mutter as she got closer to the table.

"Hey guys," she muttered sweetly slipping into her normal seat. The boys got silent and then slowly turned into normal conversation, hoping Amy hadn't heard the entire conversation.

" Hey slut," Jay said.

" Are you talking about me, darling?" Alex wondered aloud, kissing Jay hard on the lips.

"Always" Jay said, grabbing her rear in between kisses.

Ellie took a seat next to Sean and rested her head gently on his shoulder. Sean wrapped an arm around her shoulder and gently massaged her shoulder. "Hey babe" he said sweetly, "how you doing?"

"fine" Ellie said, a bit unsure of herself, "I'm fine."

" good" he said smiling and pecking her on the cheek, " you coming over tonight?"

" yea, but I think I need to go home tonight eventually," she said, and slowly stood up, "I'm gunna go grab some food, you want anything?"

" just grab me some fries and a chocolate milk, I'll pay you back later." Sean answered, and watched as Ellie and the girls walked up to grab some food. Sean turned to Jay, "Brah, you think she heard anything?"

"who? Amy? Prolly not," Jay answered while shrugging his shoulders.

"she's the last thing I need on my back with all this," Sean said.

"or on your lap…dude, she's still all about your cock, man."

" I know, now I have to worry about her and Emma."

"What's this about Cause Girl?" Jay asked, now confused.

" She's getting weird on me again, I dunno,…"

"Sean, you're just a little stud, everyone wants a piece of you, I know I do," Jay said while flirtatiously joking with Sean and playfully touching his shoulder. Sean laughed. "Cause you're so- hot, baby, I'd leave Alex for you any day."

"Jay are you hitting on my boyfriend?" Ellie asked, setting the tray down on the table.

"You know it Vampy" Jay said winking and sending a flirtatious smile Sean's way.

" Did I just hear right?" Alex asked, "my boyfriend's gone queer? Hold on, let me grab Del Rossi, you two would make a good couple."

Jay laughed, "no he's too girly for me, I like men rough and tumble."

"you're a red neck gay!" Amy laughed.

" that's a contradiction if I've heard one," Ellie said laughing and smiling as she passed Sean his fries and chocolate milk.

And then silence. An awkward silence, that needed to be filled.

"So…Amy, where were you this weekend?" Jay asked, "You weren't down at the ravine."

" Out of town…Bradley had a motocross competition, he needed some _help_ preparing for races," she answered, smoothly, casually sending a flirtatious glance Sean's way.

" slut" Alex said laughing and gently nudging her.

" a damn good one" Amy laughed back.

The whole table had a good laugh, even Sean with an uncomfortable laugh, he didn't like the way Amy was looking at him. '_Please don't let her have heard…'_ Sean thought to himself; having Amy know about his plans to voice to Ellie his feelings about the idea of a break put an unhealthy feeling in the pit of his stomach. It was bad enough that his mind was wandering to Emma and why she was being so weird, he didn't need Amy added into this mix. He looked over at Ellie and watched her smile. He watched her laugh. This was killing him. But he had to do it, he had to do it, because he loved Ellie. He wanted to give her the best, Ms.Suave was right, how could he, how could anyone expect to take care of Ellie if they couldn't even take care of themselves. '_Look at Mrs. Nash, she can't even take care of Ellie, I can't put her through something like that anymore._"

Sean reached down under the table and gently rubbed Ellie's leg and grabbed her hand as it rested on her thigh and squeezed it tightly. His eyes watched her as she smiled gently. '_God, I hope I'm making the right decision._'

* * *

**A/N: Okay, didn't actually expect to be writing or posting tonight, but I wrote this all this evening and I'm quite excited to have finished it. This story is coming to a slow end. You all might hate me for what's happened in this chapter, and what you can expect to happen in the next one or two. But I promise you there will bea sequel, for which you won't hate me. I've also got some ideas in the works for an Ashley/Mark spin-off that I know some of you might be happy with. We'll see. Next month I'm filming our 16mm student film, so I'll be fairly busy, but I'll try and get done what I can. I promise. I cross my heart.**

**I didn't include a set of lyrics, because there really wasn't a need for it, and the chapter was fairly long as it was. I didn't have any lyrics to really fit the chapter, except for the usually beginning of the chapter lyrics. **

**Chapter is dedicated to Arthur (because he secretly reads this), cause he's silly...and makes me cry happy tears! And it made me want to get off my lazy ass and write for you guys. He put me in the writing mood. And he reads the reviews as well, so if you'd like to thank him, your more than welcome to mention a thank you to him in your review, if you review.**

**Very important **

**W****hen I first started writing this, I was not sure of Amy's name because I started this before season 3 really started, it was based on the promo shots for the season. So Amy's name was Jules in previous chapters. I would hope that you all read this, because her name is now Amy, I'd go back and change her name but I feel there is really no need to, so long as you are all smart enough to understand, and I figure if you're reading this, you can surely comprehend what I'm talking about, and you obviously aren't illiterate.**


	25. the end?

**Numb**

_Your bed swallows you whole as the days bleed together, torment on the lips _

_Of a loved one, and if you try hard enough,_

_you__ can almost taste her, feel her pass and _

_Scream, OH GOD WHY ME_

_You would rather bleed than be without her _

_Gone are the tender whispers dancing in your ears _

_Replaced with lackluster memories you cry, your screams play in your empty room_

_It's so hard to see when your eyes are rolling in the back of your head _

_It's even harder to speak when everything you say just comes out wrong_

**Atreyu** / _Ain't Love Grand_

Ellie tugged her braid loose and her usually straight hair fell into a wavy mess of red locks as she walked up to Sean and Tracker's. She ran her fingers through her hair mussing it up gently as she adjusted her bag and kicked gently on the screen door. She rubbed her palms with her fingers and wiped her hands on her faded jeans, sweaty palms; she was nervous. What was she so nervous about, she knew the break would only be temporary, she just needed to figure things out, she'd go back to Sean and everything would be okay, _he loved her_.

Tracker answered the door and smiled as he leaned one arm against the opposite door frame to where he stood and Ellie ducked under his arm as she slipped inside the house, gently dropping her bag on the floor by the door and falling down on the couch. "Sean ran out to grab some soda, he'll be back in a few Els," he said closing the door and walking back to the kitchen. Ellie pulled her knees up on the couch with her and she fumbled with her dirty shoelaces. Tracker watched intently from the kitchen as he poked the chicken in the frying pan with a fork. Just by the way she sat with her knees curled up to her chest and how she fumbled nervously from her shoelaces that she was nervous, that she was scared. She stopped playing with her shoelaces and her hands traveled to her arms and she hugged herself. "How's it goin' El?" Tracker asked as he turned the chicken over in the pan on the searing stove.

Ellie looked up and into the kitchen, she shrugged, "fine."

" What are you and Sean doin' on Friday?"

" I dunno," Ellie answered softly, '_depends on how well Sean handles my news_,' she thought to herself while staring at her shoes, again finding something interesting in her dirty shoelaces.

"Well are you coming over for dinner? Kemmie's coming over I need to know how much to make."

"Depends on if Sean takes the break well." She said in a whisper, hoping that Tracker would hear but at the same time not.

"what break?"

Ellie looked up, " you heard that?"

Tracker gave her a confused look and turned off the stove and walked over to the couch. He sat down on the open end of the couch and looked at Ellie, still playing with her shoes. "what break?" he asked again. Ellie rolled back and rested her head on the arm of the couch.

" I want…I need to take a break from Sean." She answered sitting back up.

"Why?"

" I dunno," she answered, "Marco says…."

"does Marco make decisions for you?" Tracker said getting a bit angry. Here he was, sitting on the couch with his little brother's girlfriend trying to convince her not to break up with Sean. The girl that helped Sean bring up his grades; gave him a reason to be a good kid again; helped him realize that life goes beyond first heartbreaks.

"why are you getting upset about this Tracker?" Ellie asked, "I just need to take a break, I'm so confused." She was starting to get upset, "I don't know if I love him as much as he loves me. I can't say it back, …I haven't said it back." She took a moment to breathe and calm her nerves, "I don't want to break this off for good, I just need to re-evaluate myself, I need to fix myself, I'm broken."

Tracker stared at her with a soft gaze.

"I don't want to hurt him because I hurt myself."

"Ellie, don't you think if you were hurting him, he'd let you know?"

Ellie shook her head, "he knows what I do, don't you think that he feels if he leaves me on his own accord that I'll go cut myself?"

" do you really believe that Ellie?" Tracker asked. Ellie nodded and focused her gaze, on the couch pattern. " Look at me Ellie," Ellie looked up, "do you really think he'd do that, he's lived with me Ellie," Tracker held out his arms, baring for the first time his deepest scars, "do you really think he'd think like that?"

" I don't know…I need to talk this out with him." Ellie said.

" yea…maybe that's a good idea." He said standing up, just as Sean walked through the door.

"Are you guys talking about me?" Sean asked carrying the plastic bag of soda, "my ears are burning."

Tracker tried to avoid his gaze and walked into the kitchen, and attempted to finish cooking the meal. Sean dropped the soda on the table and made his way to the couch and kissed Ellie on the cheek, "hey babe."

Ellie attempted a small smile, as Sean's lips touched her cheek, and raised her arm to play with his hair.

"Alright love birds…dinner's ready." Tracker called from the kitchen.

Dinner was a bit awkward. Tracker stared at Ellie

Ellie stared at Sean.

Sean stared at Ellie.

Ellie changed her gaze to Tracker.

Tracker disagreed with Ellie when it came to her taking a break from Sean.

Sean knew what he was going to do.

Ellie, she wasn't so sure. She had almost hoped that Sean would make this easy.

"Why is everyone so quiet?" Sean asked, looking back and forth between Ellie and Tracker. More silence, and Sean came to a very outlandish conclusion, he turns to Ellie, "Are you…you two?...are you…" Sean couldn't get the words out, but Tracker's eyes bugged and he coughed up food into his napkin before laughing hysterically.

"No…Sean…No, as much of a looker as Ellie is, and as much as we have _in common_, I'm not bumping boots with your girlfriend, I have one remember? Her name is Kemmie…she's coming to dinner on Friday?...does it ring a bell?" Tracker answered, hoping his brother would calm his nerves before he had an aneurysm.

Sean took a calming breath and smiled in relief, "good…"

"Speaking of Kemmie…and Friday…are you two joining us for dinner?" Tracker asked in between bites.

"Um…" Ellie answered, "I might be doing something…" she continued as she stirred the rice on her plate with her fork.

Sean looked over at Ellie, "yea, me too…" he said distantly as he quickly looked over to his older brother.

Silence.

"So…" Tracker said, trying to start up conversation.

"You know what, I think I'm stuffed, you stuffed Els?" Sean said, then casually asking his girlfriend in code to join him in his room.

Ellie nodded and followed suit to empty her remaining portions into the trash before gently placing her plate in the sink.

* * *

Ellie sat nervously on the edge of Sean's bed. Sean seemed frightfully distant as she leaned into kiss him, pressing her lips hard against his, '_why am I doing this? I shouldn't be trying to kiss him before I ask him to take a break…this is so wrong…_' Sean broke away from the kiss, startling, yet relieving Ellie. 

"Ellie…"

The tone in his voice was worrying her. She was running through thoughts in her head as if it were a marathon. She was supposed to be the one who's voice would sound like that, '_what is going on?_'

"Ellie, I think…" Sean was struggling with his words. He closed his eyes for a moment, going over the words he's planned so delicately in his head. His thoughts wandered to the meeting he had with Sauve, ' _Sean__, you need to look out for you before you can look out for Ellie_.' He took another deep breath, "I think we could take a break…I'm drowning Ellie, and I don't want to bring you down with me." He said opening his eyes.

Ellie sat on the edge of his bed, she was silent. She opened her mouth to speak, but it was several unsettling seconds before a word slipped out, "yea…" Ellie was mentally beating herself up inside, '_yea? That's all you can say! He has the same idea and all you can say is yea?_' Ellie took a deep breath, "I understand, Sean."

" I mean…I don't wanna break up Ellie,… I just need to settle myself out." Sean said, gently taking her hands, "are you sure you're okay with this? I mean…we don't have to do this…"

"No, fix herself up Sean…" she said sniffling, '_oh gosh, you're crying! Ellie stop crying, you both want this!_' she yelled at herself, she wiped her eyes, before tears could fall, "fix yourself up and come back to me."

Ellie stood up.

Sean jumped to his feet.

Ellie began walking towards the door, Sean still holding onto one of her hands.

"Um…I'm gunna go home…homework," Ellie said smoothly.

Sean was getting worried, "you're sure about this? you promise you're okay with this?"

Ellie nodded, "yea…homework…it's calling my name" Ellie said boldly as she made her way to the door, "I can hear the numbers shouting to me**...Ellie! what's the difference in the circumference of these two circles!...Ellie! what's the area of this octagon!...Elllllie! come solve me**..." she said sweetly, "**Ellie! Solve me….**" She continued laughing, " hear that Sean?...I really gotta go," she said as she reached the door and walked out, "I'll see you tomorrow."

Sean laughed, and leaned in to kiss her on the cheek. Ellie froze for a moment, and then gently hugged him before making her way out the door.

Sean watched from the screen door as Ellie wrapped her arms tight around herself and made her way down the street, walking home.

" You're not walking her home?" Tracker asked from the couch.

" I don't think she wants me to," Sean answered as she fell down on the couch next to him, kicking his feet up on the coffee table.

"Why?" Tracker asked amused, after all, why would she be mad at him if she was going to initiate a break? '_it__ can only mean one thing_' he thought to himself, '_she didn't go through with it_.'

" I told her, that I think we should take a break," Sean said.

Tracker's amused smile faded from his face as he turned his head, "You what?"

" I need to settle myself out," Sean answered, "I thought it was the best idea."

Tracker rolled his eyes and stayed silent.

There was nothing he wanted to say to his little brother.

* * *

­ 

Ellie fell down on her bed, " why am I crying?" she asked herself aloud, as tears fell down her cheeks. She sat up and wiping her eyes dry with her sleeve, " you were going to do it first, he just beat you to the punch." Ellie laughed, "great, now you're talking to yourself." Ellie climbed off her bed and ambled over to her stereo and CD rack and pulled out her **Killswitch**** Engage**, _the End of Heartache_ CD and popped it into her stereo, her fingers skipping the CD to track seven.

Seek me, call me  
I'll be waiting

This distance, this dissolution  
I cling to memories while falling  
Sleep brings release, and the hope of a new day  
Waking the misery of being without you

Surrender, I give in  
Another moment is another eternity

(Seek me) For comfort, (Call me) For solace  
(I'll be waiting) For the end of my broken heart  
(Seek me) Completion, (Call me) I'll be waiting  
(I'll be waiting) For the end of my broken heart

You know me, you know me all too well  
My only desire - to bridge our division

In sorrow I speak your name  
And my voice mirrors my torment

(Seek me) For comfort, (Call me) For solace  
(I'll be waiting) For the end of my broken heart  
(Seek me) Completion, (Call me) I'll be waiting  
(I'll be waiting) For the end of my broken heart

Am I breathing?  
My strength fails me  
Your picture, a bitter memory

For comfort, for solace  
(Seek me) For comfort, (Call me) For solace  
(I'll be waiting) For the end of my broken heart  
(Seek me) Completion, (Call me) I'll be waiting  
(I'll be waiting) For the end of my broken heart

Ellie laid back on her bed and closed her eyes and found herself drowning in the music. Still confused about why she herself was upset, she managed to tell herself it was for the best, and reminded herself that she wanted it as well. "Everything will be okay," she told herself, "worry about yourself." Ellie knew when she woke up the next morning, that she'd be nursing a partially broken heart, but she'd be nursing her head as well. "No more broken Ellie," she told herself as she closed her eyes, slowly drifting off to sleep.

* * *

**A/N:** **Alrighty all...welcome to the end of Numb! everyone pat yourselves on the back, and prepare yourselves for a sequel that will make Degrassi's intenseness look like an episode of Dawson's Creek. Just know that Sean and Ellie are not broken up...they are on a break, but that doesn't mean it'll stay that way forever...it can go either way, and with what I have in store...:shudders: **

**Keep a look out for the sequel, and the spin-off about Ash/Mark, and a side note with that project, What issues haven't been done on Degrassi?email me with anything of that caliber please, or any ideas you wanna throw at me about Ash/Mark...**

**I've also been bored on Spring Break, so I made dolls for all the characters that may or may not be mentioned, and they can be found on my photobucket account under the name: justmaibe, I'd add a link, but they don't seem to work for me...**

**Hope everyone had a great holiday, and I'll try and get the sequel up ASAP:crosses heart: **


End file.
